"AITA for telling my step-daughter to 'go ask her real dad' when she asked me to pay for her plane tickets?"

I married my wife Elise 12 years ago. She has a 16 year old daughter (Ana) from her previous relationship and we have a 7 year old son as well. From pretty much the beginning of our relationship, Ana and I have never gotten along. I don’t know how to emphasize that it is NOT because of a lack of trying.

She just does not like me. When she was young she was just scared of me and “afraid I’d tear their family apart”. Nowadays it’s more of a neutral dislike rather than strong antipathy so I suppose that’s progress.

Elise is a stay at home mother, so she relies on me for income. As a result, I pay for everything for Ana. Food. Clothes. Volleyball fees. Field trips. I take an interest in her hobbies. I go to her games. I’m not saying I’m perfect but I try my damn hardest to be the step-father I can.

But it’s so... hard. Always giving me curt 1-word responses. Always having to have an attitude. She does things to get a rise out of me. Staying out late reeking of booze. Always trying to sneak boys in. Typical rebellious stuff. But I always let her know I love her and I’m there for her in hopes of her “sh!thead teenager” phase pasts.

The opposite is true for her biological father. She adores him. Can’t tell you why. He never goes to her games, always makes excuses for why he doesn’t want to see her. He forgot her birthday last month and she cried herself to sleep.

Well anyways, Friday, I came to her room to check her phone and read her messages (not a permanent thing, but she’s been caught sneaking out twice in the last month so this is her punishment). I ask for the phone, she says “no, I’m tired of you checking my sh!t, leave me alone."

I tell her I’m not asking again and she goes “just f&$* off already. You’re not my real dad. You never have been. Stop acting like you can tell me what to do” before getting up and slamming the door. Like I said guys. I’m tired. Tired of the blantant disrespect. Of being the verbal punching bag while still providing more for her than anyone else in her family.

We haven’t really talked since until this morning during breakfast. She asked if I could pay for her plane tickets so she could see her boyfriend cross-state. Like I said, her mom doesn’t work and her dad is a POS so I normally would be the one to cough up the money. Not this time. I responded “go ask your real dad”. I could tell she was hurt.

Tears swelled up from her face and she excused herself from the table. My wife took me aside later and said my comment was extremely disrespectful. I said if anything’s disrespectful, it’s her treating me like a doormat and a credit card, and I will no longer tolerate this treatment in my house.

I told her we don’t have to be friends, but if she can’t at least be cordial to me or respect my position as an authority figure, she can find someone else to pay for her non-essentials. AITA?

TLDR; My step-daughter continuously disrepects me and my authority. She told me that “I’m not her real dad”. Later on, she asked me to buy her tickets and I told her to “go ask her real dad”. AITA?

And to add more context, my wife is a saint. She DOES stick up for me when Ana says something rude or snarky. She just said “stooping to her level” was inappropriate. But she’s a wonderful mom and tries her best.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

breakfastpitchblende said:

NTA, but you barely mentioned your wife, her mother. Why is she not handling this with her daughter? You’ve been in her daughter’s life since she was 4, as (step)dad, and your wife has continued to let this fester? She’s continued to let her daughter disrespect you and continued to mislead her daughter about her father’s true character. This is all kinds of wrong.

[deleted] said:

NTA. Maybe your daughter can have a first-hand look at how much words can hurt. I think you should go to her, apologize (never mind the fact she doesn’t deserve it. You’re the adult, be the bigger person), and set firm, fair, and strict rules about behavior going forward. Tell her what you told us; that you don’t have to be friends, but you need her to respect your authority and at least be cordial to each other.

Maybe ask her why she doesn’t like you. Ask if there’s anything you can do to support her better. And most importantly, remind her that you love her and will be there for her. Teenage girls are hard man. Keep trying; a decade from now, she’ll be grateful that you chose the high road

snailsandstars said:

ESH. She's the bratty teenager, not you. Also, please for the love of god don't look through your teens' phones. That's not going to help sh!t. They're just going to get better and better at hiding things from you.

Alx101598 said:

I just want to give a slightly different perspective. When my parents divorced, I "adored dad" and was mad at mom. But you know what? I did not dare be angry at my dad. He might go away and I never see him again. I trusted my mom enough to dare to be angry - I knew she would not abandon me. But I agree that stepdaughter needs to be respectful. But she might like you more then you think.

Two weeks later, he shared this update:

It’s been a good 2 weeks since I’ve posted and I figured you guys would like an update. A lot has happened since the last time I posted. So that night, I did what many of the comments suggested I do, which was to apologize. I told her that I’m sorry that implying that I’m not her real father, but like it or not that I consider her MY daughter. That I loved her and will always be there for her.

She started to cry and sob uncontrollably and said “Why doesn’t he [her biological father] love me?” I held her and told her she didn’t need to fight for his approval. I also apologized for looking through her phone; that I’ve come to accept that it’s not an appropriate punishment for a teenage girl, and I was going to find other alternatives.

Lastly I brought up therapy and while she was hesitant at first I let her know it was nothing to be ashamed of, that everything she said at therapy would be entirely confidential, and that it could help to have a confidant to help her sort through her feelings.

She sat on this for the day, but the next day let me know that she was ready so I set up the soonest appointment (which was last Friday and her second appointment this afternoon) It’s only been a week so I don’t want to get too optimistic but honestly I feel like I’m noticing an improvement already. She’s actually been engaging back in small talk when normally she wouldn’t give me the time of day.

She’s been following all of the rules, coming home at a reasonable hour, she’s been less withdrawn and more social even to the point where her brother commented on the change today! But the most exciting news of them all is when getting out the car on her way home from therapy, she said and I quote “thanks dad”. She’s never called me dad before so honestly I’ve been riding off that high for the last two hours

I’m not delusional enough to think everything’s peachy but honestly the behavior change in the last week was the most progress we’ve had since, well, ever. I’m cautiously optimistic going forward. Thanks again everyone for your comments, especially the ones who gave me the kick in the butt I needed.

Edit: in the comments on the update, OP specifically referenced a comment on the first post that opened his eyes and made him see things differently. The comment is from a now-deleted account and I can add it here:

You know, it was not so bad that you did that. It is an important lesson for her to learn that you, as a human being, also have feelings and she hurt them. That's an important lesson. She should not be able to talk to you like that, set the parameters of her relationship with you, and expect you to have no boundaries. I know you are more her father than her sperm donor. You know that.

She also knows that. She's acting out because her own father hurts her. So she's hurting you, because she knows you will take it and not abandon her. It's messed up, but she really does not know what to do with that pain. You just taught her that this is the wrong thing to do with her pain.

That's not a bad thing. You had a very human reaction in the heat of the moment. Apologizing to her teaches another invaluable lesson. NTA. You're a really good father. I am betting she'll realize what she had in you someday, probably around age 25.

OP’s comment on the update post referencing this comment:

Just went back to the old post, your comment was actually the one that convinced me that even if I was right doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be the adult in the room and apologize. Thank you for your comment; I truly haven’t felt this optimistic in a long time 🙏🏼