'AITA for suggesting my fiancé and I spend Christmas apart this year?'
"AITA for suggesting my fiancé and I spend Christmas apart this year?"
My fiancé and I come from very different backgrounds when it comes to holidays. I grew up with small family gatherings that were more about good deeds and travel, while he comes from a big, tight-knit family that treasures being together during holidays.
Over the years, holidays have become stressful for me. Our families live far enough apart that visiting both on Thanksgiving or Christmas is inconvenient. My relationship with my mom is strained, so spending holidays with her often feels like an obligation rather than something I enjoy.
Meanwhile, my fiancé loves being with his family and wants us to continue celebrating with them. This has caused conflict because he doesn’t see rotating holidays between our families as fair—especially since he knows I don’t enjoy the holidays with my mom and doesn’t want to sacrifice the fun he has with his family.
I’ve tried to compromise. I told him we could always spend Thanksgiving with his family since it’s his favorite holiday.
But for Christmas, I want to start creating traditions that we both enjoy, rather than always defaulting to his family’s plans. However, he feels strongly about continuing his family traditions and doesn’t want to miss out, especially since we moved out of state last year.
This year, I proposed something different: I stay home with our dogs and relax while he spends Christmas with his family. For me, taking a break from the stress of holiday obligations—watching movies and truly unwinding—sounds like bliss.
I framed it as a win-win: he gets to enjoy time with his family without compromise, and I get a peaceful holiday. We can celebrate Christmas together when he returns.
His response was that he doesn’t want to spend Christmas without me because we’re partners, but I know he’d be unhappy if he stayed home just for me.
I suspect he’s worried I’ll be upset if he goes without me, but honestly, I’d rather he enjoy the day with his family than resent missing it. I also think his nieces and nephews will love having him there, and that feels like a meaningful gift to everyone.
I know this doesn’t solve the bigger issue of how we handle holidays as a couple long-term, but with just a few days until Christmas, this seemed like a reasonable solution. Still, I wonder if I’m being too rigid or selfish for wanting this time for myself. So, AITA for suggesting we spend Christmas apart this year?
Let's see what readers thought:
paagl6 writes:
Soft YTA. Holidays are stressful and unpleasant for me too, but you’ve said you want to create traditions with your boyfriend but you also just want to stay home and watch movies alone, and that’s a contradiction.
Why not go to his family’s place and plan some new traditions with him? Plan a movie and date night, take a daytrip to a nearby city, go to the park with his nephews, etc. When everyone asks where you are and your bf says “Jen’s staying home alone” it makes you look bad.
palga3 writes:
NTA. Holidays can be exhausting. It’s ok to want a break. A friend is in a similar situation. He had a tough year caring for family and wanted a low-key Christmas to recuperate (after already spending a tiring week with in-laws over Thanksgiving and seeing them again for a weekend).
His wife was upset but I think he paid his dues and also got presents for her side of the family, which she never thinks to do for his side (she doesn’t even call or text them, even though they fuss over her).
I’m curious to hear other takes on this. For example, if your SO only sees his family twice a year then I can see why he might want more time with everyone. I still don’t think YTA!