'AITA for suggesting my grandson could come live with my husband and myself?'
"AITA for suggesting my grandson could come live with my husband and myself?"
My daughter Jasmine (36f) has three children. Her oldest Dylan (14m) is from her first marriage to Chris, who sadly passed away when Dylan was 5. Her younger two children Frankie (7f) and Chase (5m) are from her present marriage to Will (40m).
This post is about my offer to have Dylan come live with my husband and myself, of which my husband knew and supported given what our daughter has told us and how our grandson feels.
This problem started months ago now. Will read a homework assignment of Dylan's and was unhappy by it's contents. He showed Jasmine the document and then she was unhappy with what they read.
From what I was told Dylan and his class were asked to write a personal essay or story of some description on their biggest wish for one of the classes. Dylan wrote that his greatest wish is for his dad to be alive and for his family to be together again.
The section that upset Will were parts where Dylan mentioned how he'd give anything or do anything to have his dad back and how he misses being a family. The other part that upset will was when Dylan talked about growing up without his dad.
Jasmine had similar feelings to Will and the two of them sat Dylan down and asked him if he realized what the things he wrote would mean overall. She told him that writing that he misses being a family implies they aren't one with Will, Frankie and Chase. And that it sounds like he would trade the three of them to have his dad back.
She asked him if he actually meant those things he wrote and Dylan said he did. She asked if he realized how that made Will feel and he said he didn't think he was wrong to feel the way he does. He also told them he doesn't regret feeling that way.
Will's hurt and angry about this. Jasmine wants Dylan to feel differently and she's spoken to him about his feelings multiple times and tried to make him say that he wouldn't change the family they have now but he told her it would be a lie. He told her if it was possible he would trade Will, Frankie and Chase for his dad back but he knows that's not possible. That it doesn't mean he wouldn't.
Will's anger is getting worse. Jasmine is talking more about how uncertain she is about the future of her family. She and Will don't want to hear about speaking to a professional. Will doesn't like that Dylan is benefitting from having him around while also wishing he could trade him for his dad back.
The household is tense. Jasmine has her own grudge/unhappiness toward Dylan. She feels like he was young enough for this not to be an issue. That Will has been around for more than half his life and his younger siblings adore him in a way that he shouldn't be able to think about them not being there.
My husband and I spoke to her about it a few times since this issue came up. I asked her if she couldn't understand Dylan's position, asked her to consider being in his shoes, but she always thinks it's different.
She also said she never wanted to think about losing one of us in her childhood and how it would destroy her. But she said it's still not the same. My husband asked why but she refuses to answer. She told us nobody is happy in their home currently and Frankie and Chase can pick up on the tension.
Dylan said Will looks at him now like he wants to punch him. We asked if he felt unsafe and he said he thinks Will would love for him to go. He admitted he'd like to leave because of how tense things are.
He said he doesn't feel like Jasmine wants him around anymore and that's what hurts. He said he doesn't care that Will wants him gone but he never thought his mom would feel that way.
The last time we saw them all together there was just so much animosity and tension and Will was very short tempered with Dylan. It was after this my husband and I talked and then I mentioned to my daughter that Dylan could possibly live with my husband and myself if they were open to it.
My daughter was furious. She told me I wasn't trying to help at all and what kind of mother did I think she was. She left very angry and Dylan told my husband and I afterward that she asked if he'd put me up to it. So she blamed him.
That makes me sick because I didn't want her to turn on him more. But I don't see how anything can change when they don't want professional help and it seems like everything is worsening with time instead of improving. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. All your trying to do is look out for him and there's nothing wrong in that.
And just because Jasmine feels like enough time has passed, doesn’t mean Dylan feels the same way. He is old enough to remember the family he lost. Of course he mourns it. Shame on the parents for making this a bigger thing than it needs to be and not seeking professional help. They are headed for NC w Dylan when he is able. NTA.
NTA at all. Its infuriating when adults feel that their feelings supercede the very real trauma that your grandson has been through. You sound like an amazing grandparent.
She doesn’t want help professionally or by her own parents but is happy for her son to feel the way he does in a home that should feel safe for him. they’re both TA’s and being so selfish without looking at this poor child who clearly is feeling the way he feels due to not seeking the proper help from professionals.
I think you should both advocate as much as possible and ask them how they expect him to feel any differently when they’re basically abusing him emotionally and robbing him from getting the help he deserve?
This will only cause more resentment as he grows older. Please don’t give up on him! His Dads gone, Step dad basically hates him and so does his mum (that’s what’s going thru his little brain) so don’t give up!
GramsSeees (OP)
We'll do everything we can to support him. I just wish I could do better.
Your daughter is the kind of mother that prioritises her husband's feelings over her son's feelings. That's what kind of mother she is. You are NTA, you offered a temporary solution to a current problem.