"AITA for suggesting I stop paying child support?"
So I know that after reading that title I have an uphill battle to be labeled ‘not the @$$hole’, and if I truly am the asshole I’d love some advice on navigating forward.
As a quick overview, my ex wife got pregnant on accident after our marriage was already on the rocks. Before our son was even born we decided to divorce, we lived together for the first few months on his life in separate rooms for logistics and baby bonding, and were divorced and living separately before he was one.
Here are the basics of our custody agreement that are relevant: our custody schedule was up to us to determine and could be flexible, there was no court ordered schedule/division of time and I pay $600 a month in child support, based on the fact that I likely would not have him 50/50 due to work schedule and lack of local family support.
At first I did not have him 50/50, I had him on weekends only until he was 2 and I found a new job to give me more time with him. So then I would have him every weekend + some week days, we were about 60/40. Once I had been with my now wife for over a year, we changed custody again to be exactly 50/50. It’s been like this for about 2 years now.
Our son is 6 now and getting into sports and more paid activities and while we’re getting by financially, my pay went down when I switched careers to be more involved, and my wife is a teacher so it doesn’t pay much.
When we sat down to review our budget I took a look at what a difference $600 could make. It would help with our food budget, and free up some more money for my son’s activities he really wants to do.
So I brought up the idea with my ex wife about eliminating child support or lowering it to 250 a month, which I knew would cover a good amount of monthly costs centered around him. She was so pissed about me even suggesting it she called me, screamed that I’m taking food out of his mouth and it’s not fair that I have a two income household and am asking to support him less than her as a single mom.
She said no way and if I tried again she’d take me to court for full custody. Later that day even her mom was texting me and calling me a deadbeat dad.
I really didn’t think I was an @$$hole for asking to at least lower it, considering it would go directly to supporting him, just at our house instead. I get that we have a two income household but she does have a partner who lives with her, so I would hope they’re helping out with household things at least. I also pay for his health insurance, and a larger portion of his school tuition.
And when we divorced, I gave her the house that I had already paid a large chunk of by myself so her mortgage is less than average rent in our area. I don’t know the full breakdown of their finances but I do know that our son has a massive amount of toys at her house, and an iPad, and eats out regularly. So I’m wondering what his $600 a month goes to?
I was confident in my ask and my wife says it was a reasonable suggestion to at least lower it but she did say maybe I should have just asked to lower, not totally eliminate. I can see that, but if I’m being honest, I’m struggling to see a side where I’m in the wrong and deserve to be called a deadbeat dad. So what do you think?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
Butter_Thumbs said:
Just go to court
WanderingGnostic said:
Lawyer and court. Get it all official and in writing. Anything else is meaningless, unenforceable drama that a child doesn't need hanging over their head.
TallRelationship2253 said:
Your current partner's income has no impact on whether you should pay child support or not. Her boyfriend is not responsible for your child either.
But, IF you and your ex both made the exact same income and you had 50/50 time, then there is no reason to pay any child support at all. But, it is the income disparity between you two that would determine what you should pay.
If you make substantially more than her, it would be fair for you to pay her even if you 50/50 time with the child . Most countries/states have a income calculator to estimate what child support is due. You might owe more or you might owe less. So it might be reasonable for you to pay less. It is hard to judge without knowing your boths incomes
And anameuse said:
It looks like you are afraid to go to court.
Five days later, he shared this update:
I responded to a lot of comments in my last post so I won’t spend much time clearing things up here or making my case. I also was downvoted quite a bit on most of my comments so, not I’m sure how this update will go over.
I will clarify that we do have a custody and support agreement. It’s not a super common one but it set my child support and essentially said we have shared custody and we can decide what the schedule is. I brought it up with my ex first instead of court because for one, I didn’t want to blindside her.
And two, we have talked through and agreed on the custody time changes together each time before and agreed it was nice to keep it out of court.
I let things be for a couple days after asking her. The day after I posted, I apologized to her for how I brought it up and asked if she would be willing to go to mediation to at least discuss the topic. She agreed, and my area has a community dispute resolution center that is accepted by the courts and takes cases either same day or pretty quickly, so we went there the next day.
I came with documents for my income and budget, medical records to show my proof of payments, school pick up and drop off data (we have to check in and out) to show my involvement, receipts for extracurricular fees and materials, and communications between her and I on extra things I have paid for and any changes in custody.
I was asking for an official 50/50 agreement and an evaluation of my child support. She still said that it would be killing her budget and she wouldn’t be able to provide for him without the 600. So the mediator walked us through the formula. Turns out, she should owe me. Not much, around $100 a month, but I could go after back support from when I was technically overpaying. She was pretty shocked.
We agreed to formalize the 50/50 and put some standard holiday guidelines in place. We also agreed I would pay $200 a month and not go after back support. The mediator did say they will be suggesting the courts open a FOC investigation to see that financial responsibility to the child is being met in both homes.
Which I didn’t know was a thing but apparently it was a big red flag to her that I was paying that much support in addition to the custody and other things I pay for, or the majority of. So we’ll see what happens after that, I’m not sure what comes of those considering I just found out about them.
I appreciate the constructive comments on my original post and am just thankful that I have a more formal agreement. I don’t think there was anything wrong with our first one for the time being, but situations change and we’re figuring this out as we go.