'AITA for taking my niece and nephew to a hockey game instead of their mother's wedding?'
"AITA for taking my niece and nephew to a hockey game instead of their mother's wedding?"
My Sister in Law (to be referred to as Sil going forward) is getting married in a month and instead of going to it, I'm taking her two kids 18m and 12f to a hockey game instead.
Backstory: My brother, my niece and nephew's father passed away a little over 7 months ago, had been together for 23 years and brother passed just a couple weeks short of their 20th wedding anniversary.
To say my Sil was devastated is an understatement. She has a horrific childhood founded in abuse, neglect, and stories found on crime drama's and her mother passed within a year of them dating.
My family had a very rocky relationship with my brother and sil in the beginning of their relationship and marriage but over the last 20 years grew extremely fond of her and absolutely love the kiddos.
Main Event Within two months of my brother's passing my Sil met a man and started a relationship with him. That in itself I wouldn't have minded, I love my Sil and want her to be happy and will be the first to admit that my brother was an AH and Sil deserved better.
In fact when my nephew was first born we told her that if they ever divorced that we had no problems taking her and the kid in and kicking my brother out. He was the oldest and never got along with my dad as they were too similar in personalities. (Our father passed 17 years ago before they could bury the hatchet).
So Sil seeing or dating someone, not a problem for me. However she moved this guy into her home within a week of meeting. And were engaged by Fall. These two are like fire and gasoline and create an absolute dumpster fire of a stable environment.
He has yelled at both my niece and nephew to the point my niece didn't feel safe and we had to move her from her home to live with me and my mother the next city over.
I had to stop allowing my niece to stay overnights as their drinking and fighting and chaos was leading my niece to self harm. Luckily my nephew moved away to college. They had a blow up the week of thanksgiving because the fiance has told my niece that her mom would choose him over my nephew.
This set off a huge fight and my Sil told him to get out and they were breaking up. Unfortunately within the week she called and told my nephew that it hurt too much to leave him and they were getting back together.
Literally no one on my side of the family agrees with my Sil's decision to stay with let alone get married, and no one on my Sil's side agrees with her decision either, her God mother is threatening to travel to see her and chew her out for all of her poor decisions this year if she doesn't travel down to see her during Christmas so they can talk.
Nephew finally updated Sil's side with everything going on behind the scenes and confirmed their suspicions about him and his abusive behavior. Hasn't hit anyone yet, but has punched multiple holes in walls. Oh and Sil has literally gotten rid of everything of my brother's from the house and just this week gave my nephew his father's ashes.
Edit: Thank you all, my main priority has been to give stability to the kiddos unfortunately I lost my dad when I was 18 and mostly trying to just give the kiddos something that I didn't have.
Fun fact not even the oldest brother, I'm middle of 5 boys and the oldest is the one who passed away. My older brother lives a state away but helps wherever he can, and my two younger brothers help where they can.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. sounds like an awful situation fr. It’s really hard to watch someone you care about make such harmful choices, especially when it affects their kids. Your priority should absolutely be your niece and nephew’s safety and well being. They’re the ones who need support, and I think they’ll remember who had their back in the long run.
Just remember, when they grow up and write their memoirs, they’ll definitely remember who saved the day. Keep being their safety net they’ll thank you later, hopefully with more than just a cool aunt mug!
Well, if the wedding is anything like her new fiancé, I’d say you made the right call! At least a hockey game has a better chance of being drama-free… unless someone throws a nacho at the referee!
It is so sad that a hockey game has the potential to be less violent than a wedding lol
NTA - taking the kids to a hockey game is probably more enjoyable and less chaotic than a wedding with an abusive soon-to-be stepdad. Good on you for looking out for their well-being.
AdIll1672 (OP)
Oh I've made it clear to my niece that she in no way has to refer to him as step dad if she doesn't want to. That she has her own autonomy and her thoughts and feelings are as valid as anyone else's. Unfortunately a$$hat is very much of the opinion I'm an adult I deserve absolute respect and you are a kid so you don't have any say.
NTA. It sounds like sil never got therapy and resolved her terrible childhood. The underlying problem is she doesn’t know what to do alone, hence moving this guy in. She doesn’t see that she’s jumping from the frying pan (life with brother) into the fire. She needs help.
AdIll1672 (OP)
Unfortunately this is the underlying issue. I did what listening I could during the first few weeks after my brother's passing, but kept telling Sil that I wasn't a trained professional and I couldn't be her therapist and encouraged her to get trained help as they would have more resources that could help.
She's gone to a couple that weren't all that good and Sil ended up having to comfort them when they started crying so she doesn't really like opening up to them. It doesn't help that my Sil is an alcoholic going through a handle a day at times. She is supposed to be doing better and drinking less but I couldn't say if that was the truth or not.
I don’t think you’re the AH. You’re looking out for your niece and nephew, who clearly aren’t safe or comfortable with their mom’s situation. It’s a tough choice, but you’re prioritizing their well-being.
Forget the wedding, I hear hockey games have way better vows—like 'I vow to score more goals than your mom's fiancé!' 🏒😂