'AITA for taking my savings behind my mom’s back?' UPDATED

"AITA for taking my savings behind my mom’s back?"

when i was around 8, my mom opened a savings account for me so i could start saving. birthday money, holiday money, all the like. but i never actually had access to it. i would give money to my mom and she put it in my savings. when i asked her to take out a couple bucks for anything it was always no. i had no idea what the balance of that account was for most of the time that it existed.

i got older, things got tense with my mom. she’d find any reason to get angry and when i showed any unhappiness, i was “ungrateful” and would throw everything she ever spent money on in my face. haircuts, clothes, glasses, school supplies, these were tools to use against me later. she’d often cut corners and lie to people to save a couple of bucks.

once i started college, i freelanced to buy groceries. she cosigned some loans. i trusted she’d manage them so i didn’t think about it til my last year of college. i looked into it since i need to be ready for it.

i noticed discrepancies in my refund amounts vs the aid i got. during my last school year there was 18,000 in loan refunds that i never knew existed. this term i had about 4500 in refunds that hadn’t been dispersed yet.

i talked to my mom over winter break about refunds and that id like to keep some of the money since it would be really nice to have after college, she said ok. i asked her for a update on the refunds and she ignored my texts or told me she “forgot” to check (shes extremely financially savvy and wouldn’t forget that).

after days of dodging my questions she said she wasn’t gonna give me the refund because she needed to reimburse herself for expenses this year. i had a discussion with her and got her from no to maybe. i thought it was fine til last week, i checked the website and saw it was disbursed.

i asked about it again. she avoided answering me and ignored my texts for days until she said she changed her mind and was keeping it for herself. i wasnt asking her for it just because, i wanted to use it for groceries because i was (still am) completely broke and couldnt afford those things.

so i told her that i needed it for that, and she proceeded to tell me that she has spent over 4500 on my school supplies this year and she needed it to reimburse herself to start saving up for retirement.

ive been worried about my savings, so a few months ago i opened a checking account with the bank that held my savings so i could keep an eye on it. she had also mentioned she was suspicious of me having another bank account, so i immediately went into the app and transferred everything out so she no longer has control over it.

i didnt even respond to her text. she texted me an hour later telling me i crossed a line and she can’t believe i would do something like that, i have no respect, etc etc. i closed the savings account on friday. she hasn’t spoken to me since. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

sinloxie said:

NTA- ummm keep your financials from your mom. Forever from now on. Also check the legality because I don’t think she can take your dispersement just because she’s co signed. That money if for YOU. For you at school.

She’s essentially stealing from you. Also that 18,000$ will have an insane amount of interested in your future loan payments and you’ll have to pay it back and she won’t help you. There is a reason that student load debt is a problem for an millions of people.

OP responded:

i told her this and my dad called me and tried to lie to me and say that i was just “confused” and i didnt know how loans work.

frozenmoose55 said:

I would reach out to your loan provider ASAP, I’m pretty sure your mom is committing loan fraud, she is only co-signing the loans and is not entitled to any of the money herself. Also keep ALL of your financial info away from her from now on, and I would also do an annual credit check to make sure she hasn’t taken out credit cards in your name or anything.

Sea-Tea-4130 said:

NTA-You were right to move your money. Do not let her have any access to your account info.

Question-Has she bought anything for you for school or has she put all these refunds in her account? How much of this does your dad know?

OP responded:

she has paid for my school supplies for college, but i know she just “reimbursed” herself for it later with my refunds. so not technically. my dad claims he doesn’t know whats going on with my loans so either he’s lying or she really didn’t tell him anything.

my dad tried to tell me that she has helped me pay for groceries before when i know for a FACT that isnt true, because i NEVER asked her to. i think he knows something.

Nursec0co said:

NTA. I’m not a parent but I was blessed with pretty good ones… and I’m pretty sure they’re not supposed to hold extra money for themselves when their kid is struggling to buy groceries. Are these student loans or bank loans? Federal student loans are largely under your name, supplemented by parent plus loans.

With each dispersement your loan provider gives you an analysis that shows which loans the money came out of. You can take a look at that to find out what is legally yours and legally hers. If you’re using a federal student loan provider they also have helpful loan counseling on their website. You could use that to beef up for battle. Good luck.

OP responded:

they’re student loans, i will have to do some looking but she has told me that the vast majority of the debt is from the parent plus, which is hopefully good(ish?) news for me if true

And PeKKer0_0 said:

NTA and I'd start looking deeper in to how much money she could have possibly stolen from you or loans she took out in your name. She reeks like identity fraud.

She later shared this update:

i applied for a new savings/checking account at a completely different bank that i know she doesn’t have accounts with. as soon as everything is verified im moving all my money to the new accounts.

Second update:

all my savings is officially in a different bank :-) she emailed me her little “expense report” along with a massive essay on how ive “hurt her” and i still haven’t responded. i will update again if there are any new developments.