Teen decides dad is a ‘terrible father’ says ‘you don’t deserve to be a grandparent!’

Teen asks AITA if he doesn't go to his dad's wedding?

Sweaty_Association94 writes:

I (18M) lost my mom 7 months ago to cancer. She had been sick for three years, and in the last two months, we found out my dad had been having an affair almost the entire time she was sick. My mom was absolutely destroyed by the news when she learned it, and what's worse is my dad's affair partner wanted to try and "straighten things out" before my mom died.

My dad was kicked out of the house, and mom changed her funeral plans and everything so that my dad would not be able to go. She changed her will and went out of her way to ensure I would be getting everything and not him.

She set it up in a way where my aunt would have temporary guardianship over it (or whatever it's called), and my dad could not get his hands on it that way either. She was very clear that she had not wanted my dad with someone else while she was alive and would not act like things were okay after either.

When my mom died, it was the most painful time in the world for me, and I am still processing life without her. I also hate my dad for the harm he caused during mom's final months. The fact is he made it all 10,000x harder than it ever needed to be. All because he couldn't remain faithful to her in life.

He got engaged to his affair partner the week my mom died. They decided to wait until mom was gone a year to try and save some of his reputation. But I have hardly anything to do with him, and anything I do have to do with him is because he makes the effort and he reaches out. He wanted me to know he was engaged, and he wanted me to meet his other woman. And he forced those things on me.

The last time they decided we needed to speak, I told them not to send me an invite to the wedding because I won't go, and I won't respect them enough to RSVP officially. They were upset and told me to think about the future and other BS like that. I told them if they thought they were worthy of being grandparents (which they mentioned), then they needed to think again.

Then they tried to guilt me with a sob story of how she was widowed for many years and her kids all turned their backs on her and took her grand kids away because they were disgusted with her for moving on. Didn't move me one little bit.

But my dad's family is kinda mad that I am drawing such a hard line at the wedding. They already know people judge my dad and think it would look way better if I was there.

My dad also thinks I am taking his relationship with mom out on him instead of judging based on how he was as my dad. But I stand by a dad who makes their kids' loss of their other parent harder than it needs to be is not a good dad. And he made losing mom so much harder.

I'm hearing from so many family members that I need to go to the wedding, and I'm wrong to say no. Am I the a%#hole?

OP responded to some comments:

Special_Lychee_6847 writes:

NTA (Not the A%@hole). Tell the family that is harrassing you about it, that the only way you'll go, is if you get carte blanche for the first speech at the reception, and you'd doubt they would want to hear what you'd have to say about the happy couple.

You're just doing what your dad did.. practice what it's like when someone isn't there anymore, and just being a bit early with it.

Also, if all her kids turned their backs on her, and not 'let her be a grandparent, there has to be more reason than 'poor her'. Sounds like a good plan, I'd follow suit.

OP says:

I wasn't even really thinking about that. To be honest I don't care if her great sin in their eyes was not remaining alone forever. She was a knowing part of the affair while my mom was dying and that alone means no sob story would make me feel bad for her.

StrikingCow4967 says:

First and foremost, OP, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom a bit ago, and I still mourn her passing every day. I could not imagine my father cheating on my mother and then getting engaged that soon. It's almost hard to believe... but it's true. I don't think my parent would like the response they got if I had been in your shoes.

You are NTA for not going to the wedding. Like others have commented, being no contact is likely the way to go, and there are a couple of reasons for that in my opinion. 1. Less reminder of what your biological father did. This will allow you to put aside the rage and focus on healing for yourself. 2. It sets a set of expectations on both sides.

Given enough time, hopefully, your biological father gets the hint and leaves you alone. Your biological father didn't just hurt your mom (his wife), he also hurt you. Your family and basis were ripped apart too many ways, especially for someone so young. You need time to build back your own sense of self.

Even though I didn't have quite so much involved with my mom's passing, I started therapy after her passing. It really helped me with my anger. It also helped me find little ways to honor my mom's memory, which has made me become a better person overall.

For the family that is trying to get you to go to the wedding, tell them your answer is a firm no. Also, remind them if they want any future relationship with you, they need to respect your decision. Good luck, OP.

OP responded:

I hope he does leave me alone. I don't want it to become this constant I'll always show up and try to get back in your life regardless of how much you don't want it and I don't want to go to any extreme measures to be left alone. Right now I am hoping that missing the wedding might piss them off enough that they decide I'm not worth knowing, which would be fine by me.

Aggravating-Owl-8974 says:

NTA- I’m so sorry for your loss. You don’t need to go to the wedding or even talk to them. It sounds like they are trying to salvage whatever is left of their reputations.

OP responded:

Pretty much and also trying to have a future with grandkids, which isn't going to happen through me.

What do you think? Should OP go to the wedding?