Teenage girl calls dad a 'hypocrite'; says, 'Family therapy will never fix what you did.' AITA? UPDATED 3X
When this teenage girl is fed up with her father and risks everythign to call him out, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for calling my dad a hypocrite and telling him family therapy won't fix us?"
After my dad married Jane 7 years ago he started to get really involved in her daughter Amy's (16f) life. I (15f) felt left out. My life had been really difficult up to then and I was struggling with everything.
I had lost my mom two years before, and I also suffered a brain injury and was grieving the loss of a lot of memories of my mom, I was recovering and dad was distracted with Jane. It was tough.
But then my dad got along with Amy so much better and he always seemed more into the time he spent with her than the time he spent with me. He also shared more of his own interests with her.
He took her to special places he adored that he didn't ever take me to. And I wanted to go. He shared with her stuff he didn't share with me. I was jealous and I was hurt.
I tried to explain to my dad but he told me it was selfish to want to keep him to myself and to leave Amy without a dad and how her dad didn't want to know her so he needed to fill that role for her. Amy would tell me to just accept that dad liked her better and he was her dad more than mine now. My dad knew about it and didn't care.
He did spend time with me. But it was stuff I liked and he'd act like it was the biggest burden to spend time with me. He fell asleep a few times and he would zone out a lot and leave me to do the stuff alone even though he was physically there.
My grandpa, my dad's dad, noticed and he started spending more time with me and creating a bond with me that we didn't have before. My dad isn't that close to his dad. But grandpa has been the best. He even loved my mom and he told me how sad it made him when my parents divorced.
He's told me stories about her and about her and me that I don't remember any longer. It has been amazing and apparently it has healed a lot of the pain of my dad's lack of interest because my dad noticed and he got SO jealous.
He confronted me a few days ago saying I was ignoring him and spending way too much time with grandpa. He asked me why I stopped asking about our time together. I told very clear he prefers spending time with Amy and can't stand time with me, so I'm spending time with someone who enjoys me.
He told me I don't have the right to rub my favoritism of grandpa in his face. I called him a hypocrite and told him he treated Amy better than me for years, he showed favoritism to her, opened up to her and shared with her in a way he never did with me and it wasn't okay.
I told him he then called me selfish for telling him how it made me feel. I told him she knows him better than I do and it's not my fault. I said he allowed that to happen and allowed her to feel so smug about it. He walked away from the conversation.
Dad decided the two of us need family therapy yesterday. He came out with it from nowhere. He said it's the only way to fix it. I told him family therapy won't fix us after what he did when he can't even stay and have a conversation with me. He told me I used to be willing to try and now I'm not and it's not okay. AITA?
Before we give you OP's three updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
forgetregre6 writes:
Funny how people see things so differently when the shoe is on the other foot. He played the good daddy to Amy at your expense, let her throw it in your face and now he’s got the nerve to act all hurt and confused when you found someone who actually chooses you?
His reaction is childish and illogical at best and completely self serving at worst. He wants everything his way but too bad, so sad, that’s not how life works. I’d ask him what he expects from therapy.
Because if his only intention is to show you you’re wrong for having your very valid feelings, it’s not going to do any good. Unless he can go into therapy expecting to own his own behavior and accept your feelings, it’s useless.
Some parents see therapy as a way to use another adult to manipulate their child into behaving as the parent sees fit and refuse to take responsibility for his part in how you got to where you are.
I guess I’d ask you to consider it if he’s willing to be open minded but be clear that you’re entitled to how you feel and that whatever resolutions you reach don’t include you abandoning your relationship with your grandfather.
I’m sorry for all you’ve had to go through as such a young woman, but you sound strong and resilient to me. Keep those excellent qualities as you move forward in life. NTA.
opheliasaur writes:
Yep, he needs to admit how he treated you when he met Amy was wrong. He's the grown up, he should have been in control of fairness and equity. He did a shitty job of that now he needs to own up to it.
You're a kid, finding love and support wherever it comes from isn't something you did wrong. You don't have to apologise for that, but make it clear that's what happened. He didn't give you the love and support you needed post'injury and post losing your mother, so you found it somewhere else.
Really he should be happy you found it in your grandfather and not boys or girls that are bad for you, alcohol or drugs... cause that's where kids who feel left out so often end up. NTA much love to your grandfather.
mydogisbest7 writes:
He may not realise his mistake until you went to grandpa. It was selfish of him for sure. If you decide to go to therapy or even if you don't, now is the time to get very clear with him on what is acceptable/not acceptable behavior.
Write a specific list of everything he's ever done to hurt you. Each/every outing with stepsister you didn't get to go to and what that made you feel like.
Example: Took Amy to buy clothes before highschool. I was not invited. I Felt left out. Make this list as big as you can. It might be hard to do this list but do it. It will be good for you to get it out.
2. Write a specific list of what your Dad would need to re-build your trust with him. Be very clear and specific with each need you have.
Example: Always do the same things with both me & Amy or do not do them with either of us. If you do more with Amy, please give me an explanation why you did that.
Example: Stop walking away when a discussion gets difficult. My problems matter just the same as yours.
Example: Allow me time with grandpa and do not take it personally. I like to remember Mom with him and you don't like remembering Mom.
Example: Give the same punishments to Amy that you give to me.
If you decide to go to therapy don't tell your Dad about these lists. make copies and fold up the lusts and put it in your purse. bring these lists with you. Then once you are seated with the therapist hand out the copies.
This way you'll catch him and he can't over talk you in therapy. If after 3-5 sessions of therapy its not working. Then stop going. But if its working keep going.
Let's take a look at OP's updates:
UPDATE 1:
I don't really know that mending is possible. He has done so much harm to our relationship and to my ability to want there to be a fix.
Individual counseling would be good. But that's not what's on offer and I don't feel like I can go to my dad and ask for that.
Also, I lost memories in the accident with my mom. I know I had a mom and I can remember what she looked like, even without photos. But I don't have memories of her. Same with my dad though. I don't remember my first day of school, for example. I don't remember my 6th birthday party.
UPDATE 2:
I also don't retain memories if I get too tired. My brain kind of shuts down to protect itself.
I don't want the hurt to continue. I just don't buy it really and I don't want to put myself out there again. I would rather focus on the good in my life like I have been. I finally got to a good place in my life and I don't want to be dragged back down.
And even if he is genuine, I don't see how I'm supposed to get over the fact he gave Amy so much more of himself than he gave me. I tried for too long and maybe at my own expense at times, especially when I could have focused more on my healing.
UPDATE 3 (with details about OP's mom:
I'm not trying to get revenge here. I don't have that kind of fight in me. My other grandparents are dead, yes. My mom was also an only child so no aunts and uncles on that side.
I don't have much to do with Jane. We don't interact really. I don't interact with any of them in the house much. I have more interactions with grandpa generally than I do my dad, Jane or Amy. Amy I have interacted with more than her mom and it was always bad. My interactions with dad got way less when I shifted my focus entirely onto grandpa.
My mom was an only child and her parents died before I was born, or maybe it was just after, but I know they were dead before our accident. I don't think I am. Not while I'm living with my dad.
My dad doesn't talk about her. They were divorced when she died and they divorced when I was still a baby. I don't think he has much good to say about her. So I'm not sure that makes it worth it.
I have grandpa to hear stories about her. He and my grandma (she died too) both adored my mom. At least I'm hearing from someone who loved her even though she was no longer his DIL.
He's not even willing to admit that he made it all go wrong. He acts like it's all on me. As if that one sided, torturous relationship of the past was healthy or good for either of us.