'AITA for telling my dad's husband I don't want him to adopt me?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my dad's husband I don't want him to adopt me?"
Minimum_Succotash526
I (16m) have two dad's. One died before I was born; daddy. He was my non-bio father and his best friend was my parents surrogate. She's my Aunty Giga. My dad is my bio parent and my daddy's widower. And yeah, I say dad and daddy, and still say daddy as a 16 year old guy. Dad always referred to daddy as... daddy to me so I use it.
A month before I was born daddy died. My dad changed completely that day. Because of where we live, even back then, my daddy was still able to be recognized on my birth certificate.
It was a fight and involved the courts. But it happened. It was really uncommon back then but he won the case thanks to Aunty Giga and other family members recognizing my two dads.
I grew up always knowing about daddy and I always cherished the connection to him. I was always glad my dad won the right for both of them to be legally my parents. I was also always treated like their son, not just dad's or not dad's and Aunty Giga's.
When I was 4 my dad tried to date again and he met Sam. They dated for about 3 months but dad wasn't ready and Sam didn't like what he saw. He felt jealous and insecure that he wasn't being brought in as another dad for me.
They reconnected when I was 8 and got married when I was 12. My relationship with Sam is complicated and weird and he wants to adopt me. But I don't want him to be my dad, I don't want to be adopted by him or to have him take care of me if I become an orphan.
He has always made it a point to bring up the fact daddy wasn't my bio father in the first place and how legally it was a miracle he's even on my birth certificate. I hate it. It feels so gross.
He has told me at least I'll know him while daddy is someone who is just faintly in my mind because I wasn't allowed to process only having one parent. Even though I know I was raised by one parent.
But I still had two. He just wasn't here. But I read the book he was putting together for me. He documented a lot of the parenting journey and surrogacy stuff and the pregnancy until his death. He was so excited. He loved me so much. He wanted me so badly.
On Father's Day we had a big fight over adoption. Dad was out and Sam brought up the adoption to me. He told me he's tired of feeling like an outsider because I always treat him like dad's spouse instead of my stepdad or my parent.
I told him because that's what he is and he has to learn to accept that. I told him nothing changed for me. He told me it's stupid because I love one stepdad so much more.
I told him daddy is more than just a stepdad and then I told him I don't want him to adopt me ever and bringing up daddy isn't winning me over. I told him if anything he's making me wish dad had found someone better. Dad doesn't know what happened but things have been tense since and Sam said I went too far. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Ready-Replacement181
You need to talk to your Dad and tell him everything. Does your Dad know out what Sam is doing? Sam has no right to try and erase your Daddy regardless if you met him or not. He still is and always will be your Daddy. Your NTA, Sam however is ah.
Minimum_Succotash526 OP responded:
Dad doesn't know. I always knew this would be the end of their marriage if he knew. I want my dad to be happy so I kept quiet. But I guess that's not such a great idea anymore. Especially if it comes out in a more explosive way eventually.
raulpe
TELL HIM, specially before Sam twist it to make you look bad.
Cakeliesx
NTA. I can’t even understand how Sam could think you went too far. You basically told him to stop pressuring you to feel a way you don’t feel. I do think you need to talk to your dad about this though.
Make it clear that you don’t want the adoption that Sam keeps bringing up and that his pressure and trying to say your feelings for your daddy aren’t important and real bothers you. If Sam wants a good relationship with you, then Sam needs to stop this, and your dad needs to be fully aware of the tactics Sam is using on you.
229u3h28r0242
NTA. You are entitled to your feelings, and you are not required to accept your dad's husband as a father figure. I mean... legally he is your stepdad, but if you don't feel he is a father figure for you, then he isn't. I would say bring this up with your dad in front of Sam, and then ask your dad to make Sam stop any talk about this stuff in the future.
Affectionate_Bar8887
NTA. You do need to tell Dad, and you need to tell him everything and that you didn't speak up in the past out of love for him and respecting his right to a loving relationship. But Sam has gone way too far.
ExtendedSpikeProtein
You treat Sam like dad‘s spouse because he is. Sam is not entitled to you calling him your parent, or for him to adopt you, and I don‘t understand why he would. Flipping the script, this would more obviously give off really weird „stepmom“ vibes.
NTA. I suggest you talk to your dad about what happened, because you haven‘t made it clear in your post, and I wish you all the best! Don‘t be discouraged and don‘t let anyone invalidate how you feel!
Griffin_EJ
NTA - sounds like Sam is bringing this up to you as your dad has shut him down already. Please tell your dad what Sam is saying as he needs to deal with him. Doesn’t matter if one parent died before you were born, they are still your parent.
OP responded to a comment with an update:
Let us know how it goes, remember that if your dad divorces Sam it is NOT YOUR FAULT. The result of Sam's actions are his fault only
I know you want your dad to be happy and have been keeping your mouth shut about it, but imagine yourself in his shoes, wouldn't you want to know that your partner is crossing boundaries you've made abundantly clear and antagonizing your own son?
Minimum_Succotash526 OP's update:
I told dad everything. He brought me out to get ice cream and we just talked for like 4 hours about everything that happened. My dad was so upset. He had no idea Sam had ever mentioned adoption to me.
Sam never mentioned he wanted to go that far. We both ended up crying because dad felt so guilty and I felt awful hurting my dad. All I ever wanted was for him to be really happy. He got really mad when I told him what Sam said about daddy being just a stepfather. My dad isn't a guy who gets mad so to see him that way was surprising but also not really because he still loves daddy so much.
I ended up spending the night at my best friends house and I'm still here. He said he needed to take care of things without me there and he'd pick me up later today. He sent me a text late last night that said Sam won't be at the house when we get back home. And he apologized again (he apologized a lot yesterday).
Also, Sam sent me an angry text at some point and I blocked his number. I figure I don't need to have it anymore.