Parents question intentions of daughter's much older boyfriend; 'but I love him.' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for telling my daughter her much older boyfriend isn't welcome in our home?"
Practical-Buy-3266
My (F48) husband (M46) and I have a 20-year-old daughter, Ellie, who is currently on vacation from college. About 5 months or so ago, Ellie told us that she had a new boyfriend (who I'll call Tom). This came rather out of the blue as Ellie hadn't mentioned seeing anyone or that she was dating, but both my husband and I were supportive and happy for her.
However, Ellie was strangely secretive about the whole situation. Usually, she's an open book (especially with me) and would always share details of her personal life. On this occasion, she wouldn't show any pictures, and we knew next to no information about Tom, other than that they met at a party through a mutual friend.
Ellie's spent the past month of her vacation in her college town and the plan was always for her to come back this weekend. Ellie asked if she could bring Tom with her for a few days of the trip as they were "getting serious", and she wanted him to meet us.
Although we mentioned that we knew barely anything about him, Ellie expressed that it would be a surprise and that we'd "love him". Given he's clearly an important part of our daughter's life, we agreed and said we'd look forward to spending the weekend together.
Yesterday morning, we went to pick up Ellie and Tom from the airport to drive them to our place and we were shocked. We knew instantly that Tom was much older than Ellie and he certainly wasn't a college student.
I was just in a state of surprise but didn't want to cause a scene (and told my husband to do the same). We drove home but it was a frosty journey, which Ellie commented on.
When we arrived, my husband point blank asked Tom how old he was. Tom said he was 44. I was immediately disgusted. He's only two years younger than my husband and old enough to be Ellie's father.
My husband continued to interrogate him, asking how they met and the whole background. Ellie explained that it was at a party and Tom was there because he's "well known around the town" and they realised they had a lot in common and hit it off from there.
I really didn't want to hear any more, and my husband told Tom to leave. Ellie shouted and said how unfair this was and we hadn't even given Tom a chance and that he made her happy.
Tom could sense the tension so left and Ellie followed behind him. I texted Ellie to tell her we'd love to see her and to come over to discuss the situation. She asked if Tom was welcome, and I said he wasn't.
Therefore, after labelling me a "judgmental a**hole", she told me she wasn't coming and that they would be staying at a local hotel and catching up with friends. I feel terrible about the whole situation and don't want to lose my daughter over it. My husband isn't budging and says he'd have to be held back if he ever saw that man again. Am I AITA for saying he isn't welcome or have I done the right thing?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
maroongrad
Play the long game here. Best story I have heard, the dad befriended the guy. They talked about stuff relevant to their age group, did Dad-aged stuff together, talked about things like insurance and retirement and house payments, went out to eat at boring grown-up places instead of sports bars, and just generally acted like middle-aged men.
She realized she was basically dating her father, they had almost nothing in common, and broke up.
lmirandas
This is the way. Also, if he abuses her, if your reaction was like this it can take her longer to reach out to you.
OkieLady1952
The more you object the closer they’ll get if nothing else to show you you’re wrong.
sugarxdream
NTA. Instead, you ought to approach him from the other direction—invite him inside and persistently remind her that he's older than you. Tom, you have to recall when... Ellie, we used to like [insert name of movie or song from your era here]. Tom, how about you? Parental disapproval makes these situations worse and the younger party more needy.
Ok_Play2364
You sure he wasn't one of her professors?
AbsolutelyOccupied
From the read, he's the party stalker. Chasing college girls.
PinkPencils22
Sometimes they're the same thing, especially in areas where there are several colleges. I was friendly once with a professor in suburban Philadelphia who was always dating college women...just not from the one that employed him.
Leading-Summer-4724
I was your daughter once. Nearly same age gap with the guy I was dating. The absolute best thing my parents did was keep the lines of communication open between us, because as the guy started to systematically cut me off from all the other people in my life, when I finally went to cut bait it was my parents who stepped out to catch me.
Ziako24
NTA. However, you should take the opposite approach… invite him in and constantly passive aggressively remind her that he’s your age. Tom, you must remember when… Ellie, we used to love insert movie/music from your generation here. What about you Tom? Nothing makes these situations worse and the younger party more clingy then parental disapproval.
SnoopyisCute
NTA. Former cop. Advocate. I would suggest you don't give her a reason to distance herself further from you and your husband because Tom needs to stop your support and brainwash her to think you are against her and you're not.
I encourage you to not exclude him. You can get together somewhere public so he's not in your home but you aren't letting him keep your daughter away while you navigate this precarious situation. All the best.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update as to how this all went down.
Practical-Buy-3266
First off, I wanted to thank everyone for their comments and messages yesterday. I was overwhelmed with the responses and didn't expect my post to gain so much attention.
I know opinions were quite split, but I appreciate everyone for being honest. Please accept my apologies for not responding to anyone, but there has been a lot on my mind so I thought it would be best to provide an update for those interested.
For those who haven't read the whole post, a brief summary is my 20-year-old daughter, Ellie, brought home her boyfriend of 5 months, Tom, to our house. Tom happens to be 44, and my husband and I told Tom that he wasn't welcome in our home.
Ellie and Tom are currently staying in a nearby hotel. I was incredibly down throughout most of Sunday, so I spoke to my husband and said that I really wanted to see Ellie.
However, I knew that wouldn't be possible without also seeing Tom, so I mentioned to my husband about meeting Ellie and Tom at a neutral location for brunch today. I asked my husband if he wanted to join, but he said he didn't feel in the right frame of mind at this stage, so we agreed that I would go alone.
I was anxious throughout the drive but when I met Ellie, those nerves subsided relatively quickly. I was generally just happy to see her and that she was well. I still felt a bit uncomfortable around Tom, but I thought this was the opportunity to find out more about him and his "intentions" as it were.
We sat down and I tried to find out as much information about Tom as possible. When I asked him to elaborate on being "known around a college town" and being at the same party as Ellie, Tom said he used to go to the same college when he was Ellie's age, loved the place and decided to never leave.
Throughout his time, he still frequented the main bars and places that college students do, which meant he remained in the community in some form. I found it quite an unsettling response but remained polite.
In terms of other details I learned, Tom has never been married, nor does he have any children. He works as a software engineer and enjoys cooking and meditation in his spare time. Something felt off about him, but maybe I already had my preconceptions.
Ellie spoke more about what a "good match" they were and how much "in common" they had. When I asked her to elaborate, she spoke about how they both love the same spots around town and campus (with apparently the same love of sushi), and she's never met someone so mature and understanding.
Tom also said that Ellie was perfect for him and he was serious. I probed if he'd had many other relationships with younger women; Ellie didn't enjoy this question, but Tom said that he generally "didn't do relationships", yet something about Ellie had drawn him in.
Eventually, after about 2 hours, we ended the brunch. Ellie said how nice it had been and she was so happy I had shown an interest in Tom before asking whether they could both come to dinner some evening. I told her that would be nice, but I would have to speak to her dad. Tom shook my hand and that was that.
My husband remains reluctant, but I feel it's the right thing to do if we want to maintain a relationship with Ellie. I didn't like Tom off first impressions and this hasn't done much to convince me.
Something is just "off" there and some of his answers solidified my thoughts about him not being right for Ellie. I suppose I'll have to remain open minded but appreciate any thoughts.
Here were the top rated comments after the update:
lynnlugg7777
Please make sure she’s on reliable birth control.
GoldberryoTulgeyWood
And with him being so "well known around town" it's probably best they use condoms too.
ellabelle33
The fact his favorite spots are where college students hang out is such a red flag. He’s stuck in a frat boy mentality and never grew up. I can only hope your daughter sees this sooner than later and that the dudes a total creep.
WebInformal9558
Rejecting him outright is probably not going to change her mind, but could leave her more vulnerable to isolation. I think you're making a good choice, although I'm sure it's tough.
120ouncesofpudding
Go to a restaurant for dinner instead of your home. Make an excuse that you had a water leak or you didn't have time to get groceries. Stay away from your home as much as possible with him.
You pay for the meal, it will make him feel like a child, which he deserves, but it will look like you're being kind. You and your husband should be able to tolerate him well enough for as long as you have to. He likely isn’t in to this relationship either.
A week later, the OP returned with another update.
Practical-Buy-3266
First off, apologies to everyone for not updating sooner and my lack of replies. I post and read everyone's replies and messages, but it's so overwhelming that I struggle to know who to respond to. However, a lot has happened in the past week and enough people asked for an update so I thought I would provide one.
For context for those who haven't read the original post and first update, my 20-year-old daughter Ellie brought home her boyfriend, Tom, from college for the first time. He turned out to be 44, and it's been a huge shock to my husband and I.
I met him (without my husband) and my daughter for brunch without feeling entirely comfortable about the situation, but my biggest priority is not losing my daughter.
After I came home from brunch, I spoke to my husband about the possibility of Tom and Ellie joining us for dinner one evening. My husband was completely against it, but I told him that if we still wanted to exercise some degree of control over the situation before we pushed Ellie away entirely, this was something we had to agree to.
It took a lot of convincing but my husband agreed and we invited Tom and Ellie to come round the Saturday just gone. Before then, I ended up talking to my oldest daughter and Ellie's sister, Holly (23) about the situation. Holly was shocked and Ellie had told her nothing.
Holly decided to do some social media digging but struggled because Tom didn't have much of an online presence. She said she was coming to dinner on Saturday; although I was reluctant because it seemed like it would spiral, I eventually said yes.
So, we get to the dinner on Saturday, and Holly just continually grills Tom; it was far, far worse than I did. She asked him if "younger girls were his type", "why someone his age is still hanging around at college parties" and other small remarks.
Ellie told her multiple times to leave her alone, and I tried to act as a mediator. My husband was just silently seething, and I could tell how uncomfortable he felt in Tom's presence.
Eventually, Tom and Ellie said they had some big news to share: Ellie announced that she and Tom were planning to move in together for the upcoming college year. I almost spat my drink out.
Ellie had planned to live with other friends and when I questioned this, Tom answered that "he realized that he probably won't have another long-term relationship, Ellie makes him so happy, and he doesn't want to waste any time with who I want to be my wife and the future mother of my children".
At this point, my husband lost it and told Tom to get out of his house. Tom stood up and seemed affronted and Ellie started crying. I couldn't remember the last time my husband had shouted like that, and I think it surprised Ellie.
Holly said it was deserved and said she needed to get away from the "pedo freak". It all ended up with Ellie leaving in tears with Tom, my husband going upstairs, and I was just inconsolable.
I've reached out to Ellie since but she hasn't responded. I don't want her to move in with Tom and it seems he's trying to derail her whole life. She's 20 and does not need to be married and have kids, especially with someone his age. She's never had a relationship before though, and she appears infatuated to the extent she's not going to listen.
My husband has told me that if Ellie marries Tom, that is it and he wouldn't want a relationship with her going forwards. I can't agree with that and will always love Ellie, but it doesn't mean that the whole situation hasn't made me incredibly sad. I would appreciate any advice.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's latest update:
MostlyValidUserName
"who I want to be my wife and the future mother of my children"
lol. Tom is into young girls. He does not want a long-term commitment and kids. Your daughter is going to age out within the next five years. This is not Tom's first rodeo. He's met the parents before.
He knows how it goes. He knew that talking about marriage and kids was throwing gasoline onto the fire, and he did it because he wants to drive a wedge between you and your daughter. You want to get rid of Tom? Start planning the wedding and put down a deposit on the venue.
Asmo___deus
He's in his 40's. This may not be his first rodeo, but chances are it's his last, and he knows it.
Nily_che
I would totally hire a PI. This dude is shady. There is something in his past and even in his present that he is hiding. A 40-odd year old man can't be going among college kids for any other reason than to hunt.
He is either married or an abuser. Except in rare cases, men who gravitate towards very young women tend to manipulate and mold them into what they want. Your daughter is very young, naive.
She is now mesmerized by this man's maturity, his charisma. You can't save her from that by leaving her to her own devices. You must take a more active role. You can't convince her by talking.
You have to somehow make her face the bitter truth. I'm trying to think if there is a very small possibility that he has good intentions, but the fact that he hangs out with people half his age gives me the creeps no matter how I look at it.
virtualchoirboy
So, Tom is 44. I wonder if Ellie has considered what that means for a future. Tom will be retiring in about 20 years. Unless he's truly independently wealthy, there's a good chance that Ellie will still have to be working for another 20 years into HIS retirement.
Tom will likely be going into a nursing home around the time that Ellie is ready start enjoying a retirement filled with activities long put off including travel. Even if they got pregnant this week, Tom will be at least 63 when their first child graduates high school. He'd be 67 or older when they graduate college.
He'll barely be able to keep up let alone do things like help move in and out of college dorms. Tom will die of old age LONG before Ellie does which will leave her mostly alone in her old age.
If Ellie gets pregnant and abandons college, she will lose all prospects of a career. If she finishes college but quickly transitions to being a stay at home mom, the same thing will happen. That means that if they ever split, she won't be able to support herself or a child.
If they don't actively create financial accounts in her name from the start, especially retirement, she will be 100% dependent on Tom without any option for recourse.
And most importantly, what happens when she turns 30 and Tom is still interested in 20 year olds? Advice? Send her your threads. Let her see how you feel, how you're trying, but what the wider Reddit audience feels as well. She's in limerence right now, not love. This won't end well.