'AITA for telling my daughter it’s none of her business if I date?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my daughter it’s none of her business if I date?"
My wife passed away from a terminal illness 5 years ago. My daughter was 17 at the time, and it really affected her a lot as she was really close to her mom. I struggled a lot the next few years.
I had a lot of really dark thoughts, which I also shared with my sister, as my sister and I really close. My sister supported me through my grief, but also encouraged me to start going out because she did not like the dark thoughts I was having.
I gradually started going out, and my sister encouraged me to start dating too, and said I have grieved a lot and I do not deserve to grieve the rest of my life. I went on a couple of dates from dating apps, but I still had a lot of grief and just wasn’t feeling it.
Last year, my sister set me up with her childhood best friend Hailey, and said Hailey has always had a crush on me. I’ve known Hailey for years, but to be honest, I was shocked Hailey was interested in me.
She is gorgeous and has a really sweet personality and I don’t know what she saw in me. Hailey and I started casually dating, but in just a couple of weeks, we realized there were really strong feelings, and we made our relationship official.
It was the first time in a really long time I was feeling something other than grief. I was feeling happy and blissful. Hailey moved in to my house a couple of months ago. I am still trying to take it slow, but Hailey just has a lot of strong positive feelings for me, I’ve never felt like this ever in my life.
Of course, now that I moved Hailey in to my house, I had to loop in my daughter and let her know that we were official. My daughter was obviously not happy at all, which I understand.
When my daughter came over to my house for Thanksgiving and Christmas, she told me she did not like how Hailey and I were all lovey dovey with each other. I tried to be understanding, but my daughter just kept insisting on how this was disrespectful to her mom’s memory.
Last night, my daughter video called me and again talked about Hailey and how our relationship was disrespectful to her mom and how I was never lovey dovey with mom like I am with Hailey.
I kind of reached my limit and snapped and told my daughter it’s none of her business if I date. I also told her I don’t care if it’s disrespectful to my late wife, I’m allowed to move on.
I sort of regretted what I said, because my daughter just broke down in tears after that and hung up the call. I do feel guilty about it, but also, I just think my daughter can’t control my life, she’s an adult and doesn’t live in my house anymore. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Info: did your daughter only know you were dating when y'all moved in together?
He said they were casual first, then official, and when she later moved in the daughter was informed that they were official, so it sounds like the daughter knew they were casually dating but not serious, let alone move in together serious.
The daughter is nearly 23yo right? And she doesn't live with her father? He's been struggling with his grief for 5 years? I'd think, if anything, she'd be happy for her father. Or perhaps she needs counseling to move on?
You’re allowed to move on, of course… but do you talk to your daughter so rarely that you couldn’t have introduced the topic of your dating early, you could have mentioned you met someone special sometime BEFORE she moved in.
It had to have been a shock to suddenly see some other woman (because that’s who she is to your daughter) in the house she grew up in, with you loving on her, a woman who is not her mother. You could have just been a little more kind to your child. YTA.
No disrepect and it's great you have found someone else to share your life with. But please be kind to your daughter. She is obviously still grieving even if she is an adult and moving Hailey into your home without talking to her beforehand must have upset her.
Talk to her and make her understand you loved her mother and losing her was devastating, and that Hailey isn't a replacement. Telling her to mind her own business was harsh.
You should’ve explained why it isn’t disrespectful to move on and shown empathy for your daughter’s side of things. Instead, you berated her and said you didn’t care about your dead wife. You are most definitely an AH.
NTA for moving on but YTA for saying "I don’t care if it’s disrespectful to my late wife". You are STILL her father. Your job is to let her know how you are NOT disrespectful to your late wife.
Instead your words make it seem that you didnt give a darn about her mother. One thing does not out weight the other. Two wrongs do not make a right. You are both being AH to each other. You are her father. Make it right!
After my mom died, my dad waited until he was engaged to tell us about the new woman. All of his kids were shocked and it did not go well. He should have introduced us to her casually when they started dating.
Okay, so I kinda see both sides here, but that last comment was a big yikes. It’s been 5 years, and it’s totally fine for u to find happiness again, but dismissing ur daughter’s feelings like that was just cruel. She’s obv still grieving her mom and seeing u move on so quickly, especially with someone u already knew, is probably really hard for her.
Even tho she’s an adult, she still lost her mom, so maybe try to have a more empathetic conversation with her instead of shutting her down like that. It’s not about controlling ur life, it’s about her processing her grief and feeling like her mom is being replaced.
About 11 hours later OP came back with this update:
I realize I messed up. I shouldn’t have said what I said to my daughter last night. I was really insensitive and if I could take back my words, I would.
I video called my daughter an hour ago, and apologized for what I said last night. My daughter told me she would never be able to forget my words. My daughter told me she cried a lot last night. My daughter said she would go temporarily low contact with me, and she would never come to my house for holidays as long as Hailey was there.
I got the feeling that my daughter thought Hailey was just a temporary fling, so I decided not to beat around the beat around the bush and tell my daughter everything. I told her I’m marrying Hailey this year in October.
It’s just going to be a small private wedding in Italy, and my sister is going to be only guest at the wedding. I told her Hailey was always going to be in my life, I would grow old with her.
My daughter seemed shocked and really sad after to said that. I told my daughter I would always welcome her with open arms, but if she wants to go low contact with me because of Hailey, I understand that decision. At the end of the day, we’re both adults who live adult lives and we control our lives. That’s probably my final update, thank you everyone for the advice.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Sorry OP but you're still seriously f^%$&^% this up - the way you apologize here is to tell your daughter that you wouldn't pressure her to attend, but it would mean the world to you for her to support you in this.
That your wife's memory is going to live with you forever and no matter what kind of a life you build with Hailey she will NEVER replace her mother. That while you're moving on from your life, you're not going to forget.
Instead, you told her that she's an adult, the Hailey is more important, that she's not welcome at your wedding. Just wait for the gut blow you're going to feel when you find out your daughter had some other man, or no one walk her down the aisle. When she doesn't have a father daughter dance at her wedding.
When you find out about her getting married on Facebook, because she's cut you out of her life. There will come a day when you're going to realize how badly you fucked this up, and all you're going to have is regret to keep you company. UNLESS YOU FIX IT NOW.
Yta I didn’t think you could get worse but congrats! You have now lost a wife and a daughter. Not inviting your own kid to your wedding? I would say that I hope Hailey is worth it, but anyone attracted to you is probably just as bad. Water rises to its own level.
Enjoy the rest of your life filled with loneliness and resentment. You both deserve it.