"WIBTA for telling my daughter the truth about her dad?"

I (45f) divorced my ex (49m) about 10 years ago after he accused me of infidelity. We have 3 kids (17m, 13f, 12f) and for the first 2 kids, it took quite a while to conceive. We originally wanted 3 kids back to back to back, but things didn't go according to plan. When I was pregnant with my youngest (Julie, fake name), he started getting distant.

He always blamed himself for our issues conceiving, even though we never got things tested. So when I was pregnant with Julie so quickly after our middle child, his behavior changed. After she was born, he'd say things like "How come she doesn't look like me as much as Amy (our middle)?" and then straight up accused me of cheating on him.

That's when things fell apart. I never cheated on him. I never did anything of the sort. But the final straw was when he demanded a DNA test. I told him if he doesn't trust me and takes the test, then I will file for divorce. He took the test, Julie is his. But the damage was done. We divorced when Julie was 2.

His relationship with Julie has always been cold. He would call his 2 other kids nicknames like "buddy" and "sweetie" but he would always call her Julie.

Julie, unlike my two other kids, was always into sports. She’s really good at soccer.

And suddenly, my ex now has more interest in her. He's attending her games and even drives her out to tournaments a few hours away. Apparently he talks a lot about her, because our mutual friends would say "Jake said Julie was doing so well in soccer" when he never really talked about her at all before this.

I know he is only interested in her because of her abilities and it hurts me. I told myself I would play nice because Julie is happy and that's the most important thing. Recently on a long tournament trip, it was just me and Julie in the car and she asked why her dad suddenly started liking her.

She told me she always wondered why she wasn't given the same attention as her siblings and asked what happened and why did we get divorced. My go-to-line for the divorce question is sometimes people fall out of love with each other and that's what happened. And from my understanding, that's what my ex also said. But when she was talking about this, I looked over and saw she had tears in her eyes.

I talked to my parents and some friends, and half of them are telling me she needs to know, and the other half tell me that I would be an AH for ruining a father/daughter relationship that finally got off the ground. I know HE doesn't deserve it, but Julie does.

She deserves a dad that loves her and treats her like his other kids, and her finding out the truth may ruin that (I mean, my ex already ruined it for 12 years). So, WIBTA if I tell Julie the truth about her dad?

What do you think? WIBTA if she tells her daughter the truth? Or are some things better left unsaid? This is what top commenters had to say:

MousingJoke said:

Now I was prepared to tell you to clench your teeth and don't tell her cause she does not deserve that burden. But then I read she already knows/noticed and is fully aware of her father's change (it must've been really horrible before). So Now I think you should explain carefully, but truthfully. She can move on from there.

Historical-Goal-3786 said:

I think you should talk to a child therapist first. Explain how Julie knows something is wrong and ask how you should proceed. NTA

Mera1506 said:

No judgement here. I'm torn on this since she already knows something isn't right. The not knowing why might be just as bad as knowing why. She's not 8 anymore and sooner or later she will find out the truth. Will when she finds out say five years from now she'll also have to come to term that her mom has been lying to her for many years.

I would say she deserves the truth and she already suspects it's not pretty. But you need to be very careful with choosing your words.

And heathelee73 said:

I was 12 when I found out information about my father that clarified a lot about our lack of relationship throughout my childhood. It sorta hurt to hear, but made me realize that he was the one with the issue, not me. NTA.

UPDATES:

1.) Last night, Julie was practicing and being very aggressive with her shots. Afterwards, I went into Julie's room to talk about what she said and she let out 12 years of anger and frustration in about 30 seconds . She said she tried so hard to get her dad to like her and would copy her siblings hoping he'd treat her like them. I didn't say anything except comforted her and listened.

2.) I am looking to send Julie to a therapist soon and maybe all 5 of us later on. She needs one and I think it would be best for all involved.

3.) I will be speaking to my ex this weekend and telling him what happened and see what he says. And honestly I don't know what to do in order to protect the truth from being misinterpreted.