'AITA for how I told my ex that my wife is pregnant?'
"AITA for how I told my ex that my wife is pregnant?"
Successful_Panda4758
Context: Back in 2015, I (M now 35) had a major mental breakdown and a short stay in hospital after my ex-wife Lauren (F now 36) abandoned me and took our 5 month-old baby son, James (M now 9), 250 miles away, under the pretence of "getting more help" with caring for him.
After finding out she wasn't coming back, and several weeks of very weird discussions and therapy, I said I wanted to separate, and Lauren started a very, very messy divorce, including false accusations (threatening behaviour against her and James) against me that still hurt to this day.
It has taken YEARS, child contact centres, and a lot of compromising to get to a stage where Lauren and James (and her partner) are all happy for me to visit (I always travel up to them, as they refuse to meet in the middle).
We have reasonably open lines of communication and plan these visits together. It's also very important to know that James is autistic, and finds change very difficult and anxiety-provoking. Current Day: After rescheduling two visits (one after Christmas (James felt too overwhelmed), one in February (James was ill)), I finally went up to see James!
He even asked if my wife Kathy (F 35) could come with me, which is a huge deal because he decided a couple of years ago that he'd rather it just be me. The visit went so, so well! James was very playful and more affectionate than ever. He got on well with Kathy, and I have some wonderful memories from it!
A couple days after the visit, Kathy and I messaged Lauren and partner to tell them about how we're expecting a baby. We didn't tell them before the visit because I wanted the focus to be solely on James and I.
They have also always expressed that visits should be as positive as possible. We asked if we could discuss the best way to give this news to James and started talking about planning the next visit.
CHAOS. Lauren and partner replied, saying how disappointed they were in how we'd handled this. Lauren broke down in tears due to anxiety of what this could mean for James, and James figured something was up and basically put 1 + 1 together.
He is furious and extremely upset, thinking he's being replaced. He doesn't even want my name mentioned. Cue Lauren accusing me of not doing enough to visit (I have sought counselling and have been told I have a form of CPTSD from the abandonment at my weakest time, and not forgetting the amount it costs to travel and stay where they live).
The partner (who typically goes above and beyond and is an excellent role-model to James) telling me it wasn't the "courageous thing to do" and that we should've brought it up on the day (why would I spring that on them with zero notice?!). We've been told to leave them alone for a while.
I can't see how we could have approached this any better than we did. When messaging, I also asked when a good time to message would be so that James wouldn't be using Lauren's phone for games etc. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
SheLikesToWatch_1989
May I suggest, that your son's autism is not a/the, problem at all? But rather his mother's reactions that exacerbate things for him? And in this case, I think she's done it on purpose. James has proven in the past that he's able to adjust well to new people in your life. He reacted positively to Kathy.
Until you broke the news to his mother, it reads like he was really happy with her. Albeit his reaction might be down to early sibling rivalry, but I think it's being blown out of proportion by Mom in this case.
I think your ex might still harbor some resentment from your break up and it burns her to see you come out the other side, in therapy and doing the work, with a new partner who you're starting a family with. I think for her, Kathy was okay, so long as she wasn't permanent? But now with a baby, I think your ex is spiraling.
I think some small part of her was hoping you'd keep begging her to take you back, rather than realize it wasn't meant to be, and move on from her. You didn't move on from James though, and it's weird for her to want to burden your young son with whatever feelings of rejection, frustration or loss of control she feels.
You have a right to move on (after all, she did??) and you can't be held hostage to this idea that every change you make in your life will negatively affect James. That's absurd. You can't erase one child to suit the needs of the other.
Get a family lawyer and seek legal advice on what to do about seeing James more regularly. Get a family counselor who specialises in blended families and has some experience with autistic children of divorce and go from there.
Successful_Panda4758 OP responded:
...holy crap, that was amazing to read. I'm autistic myself and I'm proud of James and how he's navigating the world, so rest assured I don't see his neurodivergence as a problem at all! Everyone has different needs, after all.
I think you're on to something with the resentment, although I'd be a hypocrite to say I don't have resentment either. I try so hard to be diplomatic and friendly, because I want to be on the best terms possible with my son as he grows up.
You're suggestion about going down the legal route is good advice, but I'm worried that if it goes as far as visiting rights, I'd be very unreliable, as my own capacity and mental health means that sometimes visits get rearranged (thankfully less so than previous years, though). Eep.
CommanderChaos999
"Lauren and partner replied, saying how disappointed they were in how we'd handled this. Lauren broke down in tears due to anxiety of what this could mean for James, and James figured something was up and basically put 1 + 1 together. He is furious and extremely upset, thinking he's being replaced. He doesn't even want my name mentioned."
---There was nothing for you to handle since you didn't tell your son. Your exe acted all emotional as though having a sibling is a bad thing and riled him up. This is entirely her fault, not yours.
Trace9217
NTA. Omigoodness, OP, you’re doing everything you possibly can to be a good dad and you’ve had every obstacle in your way (most of them put there by your AH ex!!!!) I think you handled everything perfectly. I think your ex is jealous. I think HER reaction set off your son’s reaction. You sound like a great dad. Please don’t feel like the AH. You’re absolutely not.
Successful_Panda4758 OP responded:
I can't tell you how much your reply means to me! Thank you so much 🥹 I feel like I'm always being criticised for not doing enough, even when I'm at full capacity, so to speak, so this was really comforting and validating to read!
ilikecams
NTA. But this is kind of above Reddit’s pay grade. There’s a lot of info missing regarding the dynamic of your relationship with your kid and ex-wife. That coupled with the needs of your child, you should really do what’s best for James.
Your ex isn’t helping with her reaction and not wanting to see you - but hopefully she’s doing out of love for your child and not to be malicious to you. Maybe you need to involve the courts - depending on what your visitation rights are and if your ex is denying your mandatory visits.