Woman upset after fiancé fails to prioritize her on Mother's Day, 'I am an afterthought.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my fiancé don't bother coming over on Mother's Day?"
cstanley2752
So my fiancé and I are supposed to be getting married next month. We have a 2 year old daughter together. When I was pregnant, he moved 2.5 hours to be with me and our child, so he doesn't get to see his family too often.
Since we've been together (3 years) he has always gone to see his mother for Mother's Day. I am entirely okay with him wanting to visit his mother, especially because he doesn't get to see her too often. The problem is, I feel like I am always an after thought.
For example, last year I went with him to visit his mom on Mother's Day weekend. He took her out for dinner and got her beautiful flowers. I witnessed him spoil her all weekend, and then Sunday he scrambled into the store on the way back home and got me some dead flowers, a teddy bear, and a card.
At the time I just pretended it didn't bother me. This year, he tells me about a week ago that he is going to visit his mother for Mother's Day weekend again. This time I opt not to go with him. He asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day, and I simply told him:
"I just don't want to be an afterthought like I was last year." He assured me I wouldn't be. He told me that he would be back on Sunday to spend Mother's Day with me. Sunday arrives and I put on my nice clothes, expecting that he may come home and take us out for dinner or something. I don't hear from him all morning.
I'm checking my phone waiting for a call or a Happy Mother's Day text, but nothing. I finally get a text from him at 2pm wishing me a Happy Mother's Day, but still no word as to when he will be home.
I finally call him around 6:30pm and ask him where he was at. He said he was about an hour away from home. When I asked him why he was so late, he told me he fell asleep after he made breakfast for his family.
I told him I was really disappointed in him and don't even bother coming over to my place. He said "Okay" with an attitude as if I was in the wrong. I told him I asked for just one thing, to not be an "afterthought", and that's exactly what I was. He just kept saying "Okay" so I hung up the phone. So, please tell me, AITA here?!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
TraditionalRule6814
Why are you marrying someone who doesn't give a flying frick about you?
OkieLady1952
That was my thought too! He doesn’t care about you much less love you. Just bc you have a daughter together doesn’t mean you have put up with neglect or to even marry him. I sure wouldn’t! If he doesn’t even have it in him to phone you to explain what happened and blows you off. You deserve better.
HeartAccording5241
Please think before you marry him if he is this way before marriage how’s it going to be after?
Individual_Plan_5593
NTA He told you he'd be spending the day with you, coming home at about four hours to midnight is not spending the day together. If he had said you wouldn't be an afterthought but didn't specifically promise to spend the day with you I could see it from his side.
It sounds like you two need to work one laying out your wants and needs more. Where were the specifics from either end? All in all the whole not calling and then showing up late is a total show of disrespect regardless.
Loose-Chemical-4982
if this is how it is now, it won't get better after you're married. this man has been waving red flags in your face for years now. he's showing you who he is. move accordingly.
No_Winner1131
NTA, lots of people are blaming you for not holding his hand through this difficult process ( /s ). He obviously knows how to make a mother feel appreciated, just doesn't want to make that effort for you. Actions vs words, belive his actions and act accordingly.
Capable-Zombie1593
NTA. If some of the commenters above actually read the full thing, they wouldn’t be posting YTA. Yes, his mother also deserves Mother’s Day too, but he was there earlier in the weekend for her, so the least he could do is make sure he gets back on the Sunday for some time.
You need to sit down and really talk about fiancés priorities. Currently it doesn’t look like it is you at all, and trust me - that will not change when you get married if that is already the case now.
Independent-Tea8516
What’s with these grown men putting their mothers above their own bloody wives on mother day?? We had our Mother’s Day back in march my husband didn’t even go over to his mothers he spent the day with me and our kids took us out for a nice meal etc. He did phone her and pop round the next day with her card and flowers but he would never do something like that so disrespectful.
Candid_Land8857
I’d be rethinking the marriage. Women always hope a man is gonna change. Pro tip: Men hardly ever change. This is him before marriage. This is him on his best behavior. If you marry him, plan on being an afterthought for your whole marriage.
MasterCafecat
You’re not an AH for wanting more from him. And you’re right that coming home at 7:30 pm is not spending the day with you. However, why didn’t you call him earlier in the day? Why didn’t you ask him what the actual plans were for the day? You both need to communicate more and better.
whichwitch9
Probably because the one day a mom shouldn't have to do all the planning is mother's day. Seriously, what is with everyone acting like a grown man can't make and set plans ahead of time?
I've seen this way too much lately, from comments asking why mom didn't arrange a baby sitter instead of asking a spouse to this. Asking an adult to plan ahead is not crazy, especially when the point of this day is literally to show appreciation for moms. Why on earth are moms always expected to plan everything? It's kinda like asking here "why didn't you just do the work again"