'AITA for telling my fiancé I don’t want his last name or his mom at our wedding?'
"AITA for telling my fiancé I don’t want his last name or his mom at our wedding?"
CheescakeQueen
Last December, my fiancé (m25) and I (f23) became engaged. The engagement itself was very unexpected, and felt very sudden, as we had only been dating for 2 years since. However, I accepted, as I love him, and I couldn’t imagine a future without him in it.
Since our engagement, we’ve had several wedding related conversations, and I’ve expressed to him numerous times that I would like to keep my maiden name, and not adopt his. The reason for this is that my parents never had any sons, and I am an only child.
I want to carry on the family name for my parents, and I want my children to have the choice of which last name they want to go by and/or both. I’ve expressed all of this to my fiancé, and he complied, and reassured me that he was ok with my decision on the matter.
As the wedding draws closer, I received a call from the cake planner last night regarding our cake, which we had met with him and designed a few weeks prior. He informed us that he had a sample prepared for us to come and see, so we drove there the next morning to sample it.
Needless to say, I was a bit shocked when he pulled out the cake, which had the words “Mr. And Mrs. Smith” (my husbands last name) printed on top. Thinking it was an accident, (though I had strictly told him just to write ‘Mr and Mrs’ on the cake), I asked him to correct it for the final wedding cake for our wedding.
The wedding that was suppose to take place in two weeks. He informed me that my fiancé had called him yesterday morning and had asked him to include “Smith” on top, along with the previous initials.
On the car ride home, my fiancé informed me that he was not comfortable with me keeping my last name, and that he had had a conversation with his mother two days prior, in which she informed him it was “feminine, weak, and woke” for him to comply to my wishes, and that he was signing himself up for an abusive marriage.
Talking with the rest of the wedding planning staff, I found out he also instructed that the table centerpieces, official handouts, etc. all be changed to have “Mrs and Mr smith” on them instead of our separate last names, with the help from his mother.
After our argument, I informed him that I would call off the wedding if he did not comply with my wishes, and that I didn’t want his mother attending our wedding ceremony either way. He moved out and refuses to talk to me since. AITA?
EDIT: To clarify: I gave him the opportunity to do couples counseling as well as agreeing that we could do joint last names on any future children’s birth certificates, along with trying to have a rational conversation with him.
The argument STARTED when he called me a “woke #h0r3” for my decision (the one he had previously agreed to), and that’s when I told him it may be in our best interest to call off the wedding and banned his mother.
The main reason I’m upset is not because of his desire for me to take his last name, but that he originally told me he was fine with it, and then went behind my back and changed things against my wishes.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Impressive_Dog_9845
Call off the wedding anyway. You just got a preview of how his mother is going to overstep in this marriage and how he's going to go along with whatever mummy says. NTA, your finance is weak and needs to unlatch from his mother's teet.
The OP responded here:
CheescakeQueen
Thank you for your perspective- I agree that it’s probably wise to call off the wedding, for both his benefit and my own.
Tiger_Striped_Queen
He called you a whore. The only benefit he should get is not having “visits” from your friends and family to vigorously discuss how you don’t speak to women.
no-user-names-
For me the biggest issue isn’t about the name change, it’s how your disagreement panned out. He went behind your back and made decisions he knows you’re not comfortable with, became overbearing and abusive towards you, and his mother thinks that’s good, manly behaviour.
Any disagreement you might have in the future will follow this path, and as time goes on the domineering and abusive behaviour will become more and more extreme. Run, girl, run.
RichDark3047
NTA. That right there is a guy who's trying to marry his mom...not you. Fuck a bullet, that's a nuke and you best dodge it. Think about how he and his mother will try to control your life and your future children's lives. Run girl...run.
The OP responded here:
CheescakeQueen
I really thought I loved him, and I just don’t know anymore 😭 I can’t imagine a future being tied down to a man that doesn’t agree with me, though.
Frozefoots
He SAID that to you?? Cancel the wedding. Cancel relationship. Give him the dress and tell him to go and marry his mother and FF all the way in the direction of OFF with his one true love. NTA. Freakinging Mama’s boy.
The OP again responded:
CheescakeQueen
This comment made me chuckle. In all seriousness, you’re right. Marrying him would most likely end in a divorce certificate being drawn up and signed for the ex Mr and Mrs smith :/
star_b_nettor
NTA. The lying to you is not okay. The calling you a derogatory term when he wasn't getting his way is abusive. Accusing you of abuse right after he did something abusive is gaslighting.
Add in the momma's boy (and he is weak, you just aren't the one he's being weak for, momma got her way) and you've got a trifecta with an exclamation of why you shouldn't be doing this.