'AITA for telling my friend she can't bring her son (who is on the spectrum) to my wedding?'
"AITA for asking a friend if SHE understands wedding courtesy, or else she can't bring her 4 year old son (who is on the spectrum)?"
I feel like there are 2 types of parents in this world. The first type of parent goes: "I won't be raising a little sh!t." The second type of parent goes, "The world should revolve around my perfect angel."
I myself have autism and so do most of the people I socialize with, and this goes double for us. And I have noticed a huge difference in outcomes for kids who were raised by Parent Type 1 vs. Parent Type 2.
The vast majority of my friends with kids are Type 1 parents. That's why I have absolutely no problem with having kids at my wedding. Because I know they will prevent their kids from being disruptive during the serious parts, and not just let them loose as hellions during the fun parts.
I have ONE friend who is a type 2 parent, and I really feel for her son because he is going to face a lot of social rejection when he gets older. He is probably one of the most spoiled, inconsiderate children I have ever met, but it's really not his fault.
My friend his mother is adamant that he should NEVER have to be considerate of others, and all adults and children should just accommodate all his whims and be "understanding." So I don't hold it against him even though he's awful to be around, because it's truly not his fault. Nobody has ever taught him how to act in any form of interpersonal interaction.
That being said, I really don't want him at my wedding, but I cringe at the idea of singling my friend out as the only person whose child can't come. And she certainly will want him to come, she doesn't go anywhere without him.
The problem is I could see her handing him an iPad and having him play games on it at full volume during the entire ceremony and find it outrageous if anyone has an issue with it, because her son "needs" it and can't tolerate headphones. There are a number of things like that which I could see her doing or allowing.
I wanted to broach the subject with her but not be insulting towards her son. The way I approached it was trying to get at whether or not SHE understands wedding etiquette. Such as not playing loud videos during the ceremony. I just wanted to figure out if there would be any issues, but apparently this approach made me an @$$hole according to her.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
dryadduinath said:
ehhh. nta. i wouldn’t have done it? but mainly because i would have just gone ahead and told her he wasn’t invited, and i understand if she won’t be able to make it. maybe you were condescending, but if her parenting has reached a point where you actually believe she’d bring an ipad to the ceremony i think she’s been an ah to everyone around her for a while.
also, i find it telling that you mention she found it condescending, but you don’t mention anything about her saying “of course i understand that, hdu”. maybe she did. but i suspect not.
OP responded:
You're correct, she in no way conceded that any of the rude things I mentioned would not be okay to do. And yes, she 100% would bring an iPad to there ceremony there's no question in my mind about it. She lets her son yell out at classical music concerts, like the type that people pay money for.
No-Sea1173 said:
NTA. That's a difficult conversation to have. So can I clarify - you're trying to avoid having to say outright he can't come, by working out whether she understands that the behaviors you mention above are inappropriate at a wedding? Is that right?
Even if she says she understands wedding etiquette, so you think she'll actually manage him properly on the day? If not, then why have the conversation at all? I suspect you're best option is just to say outright her son is not invited (but you'd love to see her) because you've observed he struggles to be quiet and still when necessary.
If she objects, you just cite examples of him being disruptive (I'm sure you've got loads). And you understand her position that it's tough being autistic, perhaps he can't help it etc etc. But you still want ppl to be quiet at times in the wedding. That way it's not a criticism, it's an observation.
OP responded:
Yeah, I'm not the best at these types of conversations myself and that was the only way I could think of opening a discussion about these issues without talking badly about her son directly or just saying he's not invited.
I guess I was hoping for her to say on her own that she understood the things I was talking about and that she would make sure he wasn't disruptive? Like if she voluntarily pledged to prevent him being disruptive I'd trust her.
Instead she just got really defensive about everything so....
lemon_charlie said:
NTA. She's raising him to have no capacity to process rejection or not being the center of attention, and things are going to get worse if there's any chance of them getting better.
OP responded:
It sucks. Even though I don't want to be around the kid I still really feel for him. There's a lot of neurodiversity in my family and I have a cousin who was raised exactly like this kid. My cousin and I were the same age and he told me all the time how he played his cards on purpose and got away with everything.
He had plenty of capacity to be a much more functional person but it was so much easier not to. Now my cousin has completely withdrawn from society and doesn't leave his studio apartment, and he's been that way for over 10 years, it's awful.
And Restaurant-Usual said:
NTA....You're in a tough spot and you’re not wrong for wanting your wedding to be a certain way. If she truly thinks any request for basic consideration is an attack on her and her son, there’s not much you can do without additional drama. Some people just don’t take hints and you’ll have to decide if it’s worth having the blunt conversation and ensuing fight/fallout. Sucks, but this is your day.