'AITA for telling my half sister she never deserved my mom and she can't change my mind?'
"AITA for telling my half sister she never deserved my mom and she can't change my mind?"
Healthy_Wrongdoer248
My dad had a child before he and my mom met. My half sister (33f). Her mom walked out when she was young (not sure on the age) and left her for dad to raise (they weren't together). He met my mom not long after and my mom was slowly introduced to her and they got married when my half sister was about 9 or 10 and I (22f) was born a year later.
I don't remember much of my half sister living with us. I just know she treated my mom like absolute garbage, would yell at mom for everything and anything, got mad at her for doing her laundry, got mad at her for not doing her laundry, got mad at her for looking at her, got mad at her for making her lunch, then for not making it, or making the wrong lunch.
She'd get mad at mom if the school called my mom over something (like she was sick). She got mad if mom had to take her to the doctor instead of dad. She got mad at mom whenever someone implied mom was her mom even if mom wasn't there. I remember my half sister telling mom she hated her.
My mom always loved my half sister. She always thought of her as her first kid and she felt a duty to her despite everything. She was as loving to my half sister as she was to me and she never ever allowed anyone to say my half sister wasn't family.
Some of my mom's family really disliked my half sister as an adult and it caused some fights. Mom would defend my half sister even when said half sister wished my mom dead.
Part of me didn't love it because I really felt like mom was wasting her time on someone who didn't deserve it. Especially when my half sister had many years of therapy, and my mom was always there and supporting her and would speak up for my half sister when required. Yet mom allowed some adult woman to treat her like garbage.
My mom died a few months ago and she left my half sister a locket that's a family heirloom for us and has passed down three, now four, generations. It was always meant to go to the oldest daughter's oldest daughter and mom left it to my half sister.
It broke my heart because my half sister always denied mom was anything to her. Apparently she regrets it now, especially after the locket, and she was trying to start a relationship with me after we had no relationship my whole life. I have no wish for that to happen.
I told her that. She started her own personal pity party and was talking about the regrets she now has to live with and how the locket now meant so much to her. I told her she never deserved my mom, or the locket, and she won't ever change my mind. I told her I hope she feels that guilt every time she sees it. I told her I hope that locket haunts her because it's tainted being hers now.
She started crying and when my dad heard what happened he got so mad at me and told me I was wrong to say those things and my half sister deserves compassion. I told her I'm tired of her getting compassion and I'm not going to show her any because she has regrets after all these years of being so awful. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
itsmeally86
And where's your dad in all those fiasco (during your mom still alive I mean)??
Did your dad allow her daughter to treat his spouse like that??
The OP responded here:
Healthy_Wrongdoer248
He would punish her and had her in therapy but he could never get her to stop. I remember there was tension between them over the years because of it.
MidwestNormal
Question: How would your mom want you to treat your half sister? You don’t have to be best friends, given the history, but you can be respectful. A detente, so to speak. In honor of your mother’s memory, and ultimately as a service to yourself, set your bitterness aside.
The OP again responded:
Healthy_Wrongdoer248
She always wanted me to love my half sister even when she acknowledged my half sister didn't love me. But I'm no saint like my mom. My best is walking away entirely and never seeing her again. Because I can't have a healthy relationship with her after everything she has said and done.
Longjumping-Bet5293
NTA, though I don’t think saying those things to her was the best option. She’s clearly already feeling guilty so kicking her when she’s down seems like you’re just trying to hurt her feelings. But also, I think it’s a little cruddy of her to expect pitty from you because you just lost your mom.
Your sister should not have been so hostile towards her but I tend to put myself in everyone’s shoes, and it’s hard when your parents get remarried. Sounds like she took anger out on your mom that may have really been directed towards her own mother.
While it’s no excuse to have treated her like that, I can understand the frustration and I’m sure it wasn’t easy watching your mom being loving towards you when her mom couldn’t do the same. Though you say your mom treated her the same.
Plus your mom came along as your sister was getting into her teenage years, which let’s be honest we’re all kind of assholes at that age. I don’t know. This is a tough situation.
Again, the OP responded:
Healthy_Wrongdoer248
I also just don't have a relationship with her. I never got to love her because she was always so shitty to me or ignored me and refused anything to do with me. So I don't have anything to pull on to want to make her feel better or to feel bad for her.
She's someone I grew to wish I wasn't related to and I always wished she'd just leave us alone because she was quick to make things terrible. And now I guess she can live with her regret because she can't take it back or make amends.
Wanderer_3773
Yeah NTA, I think that it is great that she is feeling guilt over how shitty she treated your mom. Feeling guilty and then trying to bulldoze a relationship when nothing can be done for the person that they wronged is just a way to try and easy their own mind rather than actually improving. I also think your dad is trying to ease his guilt over allowing his wife to be treated like that for nearly two decades.