Man reveals to pregnant SIL her husband is cheating, he ends up being the one served divorce papers. AITA? FINAL UPDATE
"AITA for going behind my wife's back and telling her pregnant sister that she's being cheated on?"
Traditional_Hour_483
I have been married to my wife for 3 years, I am 27 and she's 26, my SIL is 30 and my pos SIL is 31. I always had a close relationship with my SIL. We are friends, also has a decent connection between my BIL, not that close but we often talk and get along. My wife and her sister didn't get along as much as you would expect from siblings, it wasn't just normal siblings rivalry but constant fights and arguments.
Anyway, 3 weeks ago when I was having dinner with my friends, I saw my BIL with another woman, they were just eating, I didn't think much of it. I wanted to go and greet him but I kept talking to my friends, after a while I saw that he gave a light kiss to this woman I was so shocked.
I decided to not confront him and when I got back to my home I told my wife everything. I told her that her sister is getting cheated on and we need to tell her. My wife said we should talk to my BIL instead of telling her sister and we should not break their marriage because her sister is pregnant.
I was like wtf? So what is she's pregnant? Her husband is a cheat. I tried to convince my wife multiple times that we should tell her sister the truth. I told her that I know you guys don't get along but she's still your sister and this isn't right but she asked me to stay out of it.
I tried my best to convince my wife but she either ignored me or said we shouldn't break their marriage, I had enough of her and yesterday I told her that I am coming clean to my SIL.
She and I have a great bond and I CAN'T AND WON'T betray her, my wife said if I tell her the truth she will not talk to me, I replied I won't talk to you either if you don't want to do what's right.
Today I told my SIL the truth. I went to her place and told her everything. She was doubtful and she asked me to leave. After a few hours my SIL called me and she was crying and said what I said was the truth and she shouldn't have doubted me and kicked me out. She said she's leaving him.
I asked her where would you go? Do you have have money? She said she does but not that much. I wired her a bit and said she should call me if she needs help and she thanked me and said she will only use the money I sent if it's necessary, otherwise she will return it.
My BIL called my wife and well my wife lashed onto me and said I ruined HER family and HER sister's life. I said I thought the moment we got married your family is mine and my family is yours? Anyway, why tf are you defending that pos so much? What about your sister?
She didn't reply to me and she's not talking to me either. I tried to talk to her and convince her that it was the right thing to do, but she wouldn't talk to me. So, I said fine, stay angry and if you want to divorce me, then go ahead. I think I have nuked my marriage; I do not know if what I did was truly right.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's inital post:
Horror-Reveal7618
NTA. Your wife's stance regarding cheating is worrisome.
"My BIL called my wife and well my wife lashed onto me and said I ruined HER family and HER sister's life."
Why did the POS call your wife?
A normal reaction would have been to confront you directly.
Apprehensive-Pea5212
I wonder if his wife knew about it and kept it a secret cause her sister is pregnant and that's why her BIL called her instead of OP.
MadnessEvangelist
She may not have known about that woman. If the bil gets outed for cheating with that woman who else would he get outed for? Who really, really doesn't want it to come to light that the bil has affairs?
MarsupialMisanthrope
A woman who hates her sister and wants her to be miserable or who enjoys knowing that she’s being cheated on. I play devil’s advocate a lot, but there’s no logic I can find that makes the wife look good here.
unusuallysunny76
Sounds like your wife supports cheaters and that should be worrying to you. NTA.
Four days later, the OP returned with an update.
Traditional_Hour_483
It's been a few days since I told my wife's sister that her husband is a cheat. Just to clarify to all the weridos, no I am not in love with my SIL, I don't have any inappropriate relation/feelings for her. I respect her and she's family.
In any case, yesterday I asked my wife why she is so angry with me and wanted me to not reveal the truth to her sister. I know you guys hate each other but you guys are siblings.
My wife said it's not our place to interfere. I asked are you okay with her sister being cheated on? She said she isn't but it will and has ruined their marriage because of my stupidity, she's pregnant and the child needs his father and so does the wife. I was so shocked when she said this, like wtf?
I asked her if I were to cheat on you would you forgive me? She said yes. I also asked her if she ever cheats on me would she hide it from me, she also said yes to that.
I was so shocked I asked her if she knows what she's saying, she said, "yes and she's confident, just because you had relations with someone else doesn't mean everyone else has to suffer and break the family."
I had no words to say, I told her that I also sent my SIL money, she started screaming at me and said I shouldn't have helped her despite knowing she doesn't like her sister. I said if that's what she thinks then it's better if we just divorce, she got angry and screamed "FINE" and started packing her bag.
I tried my best to stop her from leaving, I told her that I love her and I just did what I felt right, nobody has to suffer betrayal like this, she said it is wasnt the "right time." I asked her so when should we tell her the truth? After she gives birth? Because it will worsen her PPD or years after she gives birth, she will just blame us.
She said we should have just kept quite and left it alone. I tried so hard to stop her but she didn't listen to me and left. I tried to contact her, her parents and her friends but they don't know where she is.
Instead, they started interrogating me and saying I am her husband and I should have taken care of her and I should know where she is. I even visited my BIL to confirm my suspicions but I didn't see her car or her belongings anywhere.
I hate that I am being blamed for just revealing the truth and my wife is leaving me right away without a second thought. I was baffled and livid. So, today I called my SIL and told her that she can stay at my place cause I am going to my parents' and my wife left and nobody knows where she is.
She told me she will try talking to her parents but after a while she called me and said that their parents don't know where she is. I told her to think about herself and come over and stay here instead of blowing up her money.
Now, I am at my parents' and my SIL is in our home. Maybe I was being petty, but I hate that my wife gave up on me and left without a second thought. I don't know whether she is cheating or cheated or she would truly cheat on me and her own blood sister with a family relative, over feuds. One thing is for sure tho, I cannot trust my wife anymore. She hurt me.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
jacksonlove3
I’m sorry OP! The way your wife speaks on the subject of cheating is concerning. Especially that she would hide it from you. If I were in your shoes, I won’t be able to trust her either.
How she doesn’t look at cheating on your SO as a huge dealbreaker is beyond me! Some couples can forgive and move past it, but not all. The baby’s father can still in his/her life. I’m sorry you’re hurting & going thru this. Hugs!
Traditional_Hour_483 (OP)
Yeah, I feel like she isn't even the woman I married, she's like a completely different person. Maybe the comments about I married the wrong sister were right haha. In any case, I loved and I still do and will do so for foreseeable future. So, I will just back out of relationship and dating scene, and even I don't trust my wife at this point.
dragonlover1779
Your wife was angry because she’s most likely the one having the affair with your brother-in-law. And if it’s not with the brother-in-law, it’s definitely with someone else where you think she’s been, hiding at her affair partners place.
peter095837
OP's wife is definitely having a form of affair behind the scenes. Her behavior and reactions are VERY suspicious and telling. This marriage isn't going to last at all.
MordaxTenebrae
Either that, or she just told on herself that she'd be able to carry on an affair and sleep like a baby.
Roughly two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
Traditional_Hour_483
Many people asked me for an update and I also do need some outsider's perspective over my situation so here it goes. But before I just want to clarify/ask to people who kept calling me names for telling my sil the truth, why you guys kept telling me to mind my own business?
She's family and if families don't look out for each other and help then who else will? Strangers? And it's not just some harmless/small lie from my bil, it's life changing, my sil isn't just my sil, she's my friend if I didn't tell her the truth now then my pos bil would have just kept cheating and I would lose a friend if I delayed.
Anyway coming back to update, my sil only stayed at my place for 2 days, after then she called me and said she can't trouble me anymore and she's going to live in hotel, I tried to convince her to not blow up her money unnecessarily but she didn't listen and left anyway.
And yes I am divorcing my wife, after a week of nc. She called me and said she wants to reconcile. She said she was angry that I didn't listen to her and went behind her back.
She said she didn't want to break her sister's family so she wanted to hide it and convince my bil to not cheat but I messed it all up and she's coming back. I just asked her to come back cause I wanted to talk to her and it's not something you discuss over calls.
Once my wife arrived and started to explain herself, I told her I am filling, she was pretty shocked, she said we can make it work, I told her we can't, I don't trust you after everything you said and you just left me with no contact and you show up suddenly while I was worried all day about where my wife is or is she safe etc? I can't make it work.
She tried convincing me to not divorce but I had already made my intentions clear, I told her that her sister stayed at our place for 2 days and she got angry and said 'fine let's divorce' and left.
I told my sil that I am getting a divorce, she wasn't happy about it but she didn't try to convince me in or out of it, I told her that she can stay with me instead of hotel, she said it's inappropriate.
I just said either you blow up your money and struggle or she can accept my help. So my sil and I have been living together for past couple of days and we discussed about our spouses and their behaviour, we both got pretty angry about this all.
My sil got even more angry than I was and she ended up calling my wife and called her names and she told me she's hellbent onto ruining my bil, she is divorcing him and will go nuclear on him and ask for as much money as alimony and child support, she wants to drain him.
My wife and I didn't talk to each other after she left and we both know that we are divorcing, my sil tho angry she calmed down cause its unhealthy for her and her baby and she started focusing on career and reads stories about single moms, she's preparing herself.
So yeah that's all, and weirdos stay away, neither my sil nor I have any feelings between each other, I am just helping her and she wasn't feeling good about it that's why she was hesitating so much, call me a moral police but I know I did the right thing not just for my sil but for me as well, I now know what kinda woman my wife is.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
deconblues1160
Did your wife ever tell you where she went. I find it interesting that she has a place where she can just go for an extended period of time and nobody knows where she went to.
MsSpooncats
I'm so sorry you're having to go through with this. NTA, but please get support from whomever you can, and continue providing support to your SIL. Wishing you the best going forward.
Traditional_Hour_483 (OP)
Thanks, I got my parents support but they won't pick sides, after all we both are their children and we are fighting, which is understandable, my mom calls me everyday atleast thrice to check up on me.
Me and my sil support each other and talk alot, I am in pain but her pain is unimaginable, she's pregnant and found out her baby's father is a cheat, also low on money and ashamed to seek help.
Guess she's no longer my sil but my friend, I'll try my best to support her but even tho she's so much in pain she is thinking about herself and her child. Women are truly strong especially when they are pregnant indeed.
Competitive-Cry-1807
Placing bets:
Wife went to her AP in the initial update, only to get dumped, so decided to come back to reconcile. Either way should probably have squeezed that information out of her, but meh divorce either way lol.