Cultural clash over babysitting expectations causes friction between wife and husband; 'you're failed parents.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my husband that I think his brother and wife are bad parents for trying to make us watch his kid 24/7 when we visit?"
Nightmarket_Owl
Whenever I’m visiting the in laws (~3-4 times per year), we stay at my brother in laws house because they have an extra bedroom (and also insist we stay with them). My brother in law and his wife expect near 24/7 babysitting because I’m not working during these trips.
They leave my niece with me and start asking and telling me to do things like can I feed her, why doesn’t she read a book with me, and not to let her watch tv. They basically just disappear into their own worlds the whole day (one goes to work and the other works at home).
I don’t mind helping out for a few hours here and there but being expected to just watch her the whole day during the whole vacation (if I don’t have plans outside of the house) seems excessive to me and I find myself growing very resentful.
I honestly don’t understand what they do when I’m not around as they don’t have a babysitter normally. Whenever I express that I’m tired or try to get away for some rest, they end up commenting later on in a “joking” way how me and my husband should reconsider having kids in the future since we get tired so easily.
Or that we should watch my niece for a longer period of time (I.e. weeks) before seriously considering a child. These comments rub me the wrong way and seem so inappropriate to me because obviously having a child is a lot of work, but just because I don’t want to watch their child 24/7 doesn’t mean they can say such rude things to me.
I’ve complained to my husband a few times but he seems to think that this is all normal and that this level of expectation for babysitting is also totally normal and “part of the culture” (they are south Asian).
However I’m not really sure if this is the case because the tried to have their other sibling (sister) who lives in the same city agree to scheduling babysitting their kid one to two weekends every month and they obviously refused leading to a small fight.
Recently I got so annoyed at their behavior over the past few trips (especially leaving their child with me and my husband when we have been feeling unwell and sick), that I told my husband that I don’t like his brother.
I said I don't think that him and his wife are extremely self centered and demanding people who are bad parents because they are always trying to pawn their kid off on other people. This obviously started a big fight as my husband feels close to his brother. Am I the ahole?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
OK_Playboy_WhatNow
Next time you visit, you get a hotel room (on the side/him clueless), and leave him with their kids, right after they leave. Say your going to get chicken nuggets or some BS, then call and tell him you will see him Mañana.
If he flips out, just tell him what he tells you. It’ll never happen again. If you flew in, fly right out if he starts up. Probably, should record him flipping out, if it leads to divorce. Good ammo. Best of luck.
DogLvrinVA
When our twins were infants I was at home with them while my husband was working 70 hour weeks. Every time he saw me, he had something negative to say about how I was dealing with our preemie, ill, constantly screaming babies.
I’d I spent all day upstairs in my PJs he wanted to know why we bought a big house when I was only using one room. If I spent all day downstairs he has some other BS. One Friday night I hit breaking point.
After stewing all night, I got up at 4am, left him a note that I was going to Walmart to pick something up. I stayed away until 7pm. Each time he called to find out where I was I had an excuse.
I came hole to him in PJ’s, dishes in the sink, and I could see he’d spent most of the day upstairs. I looked at him and just parroted some of his BS back to him. Then I went and soaked in the tub.
We never spoke of it again, but he’s a clever man. He got the message and the BS stopped. My personal experience agrees with your solution. I think actions speak louder than words OP’s husband needs the pain of babysitting and she needs to look after her needs.
Stranger0nReddit
NTA. Of course they insist you stay with them, because they get to force you to be their full time babysitter for the duration of your vacation. They are taking advantage of you and moving forward I would just refuse to stay with them.
As for the argument with your husband, I would just tell him that they don't even have enough respect to ask if you can watch their child, they just pawn her off on you and leave and it's not right. Maybe that's "normal" in their family but it's not for you, and you're not comfortable with it.
PrairieGrrl5263
NTA. Your in-laws are completely out of their lane, expecting you to spend your entire vacation providing free childcare. Start making extensive plans outside the home when you visit.
See everything there is to see in that area. Visit all the relations. Leave the house and go to a coffeehouse to read. If you have to be in their house, nap. A LOT. And of none of that works, let your husband visit his family on his own next time while you go do something you would actually enjoy. Good luck!
VastConsideration126
Don't go with him when the visits happen. Let him go alone and babysit alone. Everytime he makes plans to go see his brother, you make spa plans with your friends or have a girls trip.