'AITA for telling my husband if we divorce he's no longer stepdad to my daughter?'
"AITA for telling my husband if we divorce he's no longer stepdad to my daughter?"
Throwawayequeste
My (42F) 16 year old daughter is not my husband's biological daughter. Her dad decided after I got pregnant that the mom of his child wasn't the woman he wanted to marry and is not in her life.
It was just me and my daughter for the next 7 years until I married my husband. We had 3 kids in quick succession after we got married. They are now 8M, 7F, and 5F. I recently found out I was pregnant, and that has made my marriage worse.
My daughter's dad first lived off of others giving him money to be an equestrian. He later, I found out, started getting hired as a riding instructor/ helped others take care of their horses ( his inconsistent income/ 1099 status was what he used to dodge his financial responsibilities).
I started my daughter on this path as a hobby, but it was clear that she was talented. I would work a second job as a stable aide so that she could afford the lessons, would drive other kids to and from lessons and do other odd jobs to put towards her training expenses until I married my husband and became a SAHM.
My husband was very supportive of her pursuit until she entered high school. We were looking into possible future scholarships ( which I understand are rare) to come out of her competing/ colleges with equestrian programs. My husband started lying about how my daughter did not want to do this, and how he loves her more than me because he understands her better.
He embarrassed me by complaining about the other moms whose kids competed saying they were snobs, or that he didn't want me to try to fit in with them or get their approval. Then he'd complain to parents about the new group lesson costs etc.
I found out I was pregnant and went with my daughter to an event, and got too sick and tired to attend a school open house and he flipped out on me when he came home.
We got into a fight and he told me that this isn't working out. I feel he says that to scare me, but I was not scared of divorce because I'm not going to grovel for his approval, and I can make it work without him.
I told him I'll happily grant his divorce. He then says he wants joint custody of all the kids. I told him that legally he has no grounds with my daughter. He says she can still come to his place when he has the other kids, and I remind him she doesn't have a license and I don't owe him any agreement to drive her to his place.
He screams " she is my stepdaughter- I've been her dad!" I told him he cannot just want to divorce his pregnant wife and get the benefits of that ( including my general cooperation with this divorce) and still claim the title of my daughter's stepdad. He can't have his cake and eat it too. Legally I am in the right since he never adopted her.
He does not want to support my 16 yo's goals. With the divorce he's doesn't have the responsibility that being an equestrian's parent entails, all her bills will be coming out of my account, but that means he cannot just continue to enjoy all the benefits of that without any of the responsibility- I don't think that's fair.
I told my daughter that her stepdad wants a divorce because he absolutely hates paying for her lessons, says they are making her into a snob like me and the other moms. She's a people pleaser so she'd say yes to seeing him just to not hurt his feelings.
But she has said that if he really hates her because she wants to be an equestrian then she just wants to continue her passion and it seems most conducive to do so where she's living with me and not seeing somebody who actively wants to stop her future dreams. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
RandomReddit9791
It sounds like you're weaponizing your daughter because your husband wants a divorce. Has he actually said these things about her and her lessons? Something seems a bit off with this story.
ConsiderationJust999
Also the message to the daughter, "your hobby caused you to lose your stepdad." Super messed up. Even if it were true, I wouldn't tell a kid that.
shammy_dammy
Does your daughter want him in her life still? And you told her that he wants to divorce you because of her lessons? Wow....um...yeah. YTA for that alone.
This is really tough. I think a lot depends on how your daughter feels. Does she love him and see him as her dad? If so, she may resent you if you don't allow him to be in her life.
Throwawayequeste OP responded:
He doesn't want to pay for her passion anymore. Period. He's trying to claw away resources for that hoping I'll grovel and plead for it when he's far from rich and he acts as if I married him for the money now.
He thinks I need to rely on him to pay for it, and will likely try to dodge that responsibility as well when the divorce goes underway.
I'm doing him enough of a service by just giving him the divorce but he will not have his cake and eat it too in terms of continuing to maintain a relationship with my daughter he didn't even adopt.
My daughter is a people pleaser- and will say yes to seeing him just to appease him. But after talking to her about her schedule and priorities she told me she'd rather follow the plans of somebody who actually cares about her passions than a stepdad that's leaving because he wants to stop financial support for it.
So no, she is not choked up about not seeing him but I'm sure he'll play vicitm over it.
He wants to be the fun dad without having to provide any financial support.
Throwawayequeste OP responded:
Exactly. And he is acting like I will grovel at his feet for his money when I will be just fine paying for my daughter's expenses from what will be MY accounts from this point forward.
He acts like he's one of the other equestrian kids' moms with their five carat rings and million dollar homes whose kids' expenses can be paid with only a half day's worth of billable hours by their attorney/ management consultant husbands. If I were to marry somebody for money, it wouldn't have been him, but he can walk around thinking that I suppose.
I will do just fine financially without him.
My own mom met her husband when she went back to work and was climbing the corporate ladder despite all the naysayers. Her husband ended up being an exceptionally high earner for his profession and they also fed off each others' energies.
Just because I'm a SAHM doesn't mean I will not have a way of making money or finding a partner who also shares my ambitions.
The commenters also act like he's my last chance at having a happy long term relationship. There are plenty of single parents who go on to get married to well adjusted, successful people, but I'm sure if that happens to me they'll find a way to discredit that too.
One of the other moms who has an equestrian kid married her law firm partner husband as a 32 year old divorcee despite them coming from the South.