'AITA for telling my husband that he absolutely ruined the birth of our child?'
"AITA for telling my husband that he absolutely ruined the birth of our child?"
Former_Monitor_4860
Hi everyone. Our daughter is now 8 weeks old, so obviously this whole argument has gone on a very very long time. We both have been holding grudges and neither of us think that we are wrong.
My husband does not know I am posting this, so I am going to keep it as anonymous as possible. So when I got pregnant with my daughter, my husband started in immediately telling me that I should have a home birth.
I really do not know why he was so adamant on it, but he was. At first, I brushed him off and told him I would think about it because I was only 6 weeks pregnant, and the birth seemed so far off.
Of course, it came quickly, and my husband would literally speak over me at doctors' appointments when my doctor would ask if I had a birth plan. This caused a few arguments between us in those 39 weeks of pregnancy, but I never really changed my mind.
Eventually my husband's mother sat down and talked to me, and she told me all of the reasons why they did not want me to go to a hospital for the birth. I expressed my concerns about you know, safety of the baby and myself but just like my husband, she brushed me off.
I ended up telling my husband that I would take myself to the hospital when it was time and that I did not want a home birth. He acted as if he didn't hear me. We met with a doula who was also very pushy. I felt overwhelmed and not supported at all. I was 36 weeks at that point.
So, when I went into labor, I was 39 weeks, and I begged, absolutely begged my husband to take me to the hospital where my doctor is. He wouldn't. He spoke to me condescendingly and called the doula instead. I was in labor for about 3 days, active labor for around the last 22 hours.
I cried the whole time. I just felt something was wrong. I was scared and often times they left me alone. The doula told me that if active pushing and labor reached 24 hours, I had to go into the hospital.
I remember thinking that I could not decide which was worse- staying in labor for another 2 hours or having my baby right there. When she was finally out, I don't even remember wanting to hold her. I just remember crying out of relief.
Obviously, I am okay now, but I did not have a good experience. On my first appointment after birth with my doctor, she was very shocked I had the baby. She was concerned. I was so upset.
I told my husband that he absolutely ruined it for me. I truly never want to go through that again. I hear mothers say that they forget all the pain the second they have the baby, but I didn't.
I love my daughter so much, but it was horrible, and it was entirely his fault. So, I told him that, several times. He rolls his eyes every time and tells me how mothers are "strong" and how I am not trying to be strong.
I told him that if we ever have another baby - which he wants - that I will never do a home birth ever again. His response is "we'll see". I cannot possibly be TA here, can I? Everyone around me is acting like this is so normal, but it's not. Is it?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Cute-Profession9983
This man and his family are a clear danger to you and your child.
Historical-Goal-3786
CALL THE POLICE. REPORT EVERYONE. TAKE THE BABY AND LEAVE.
ShadowySylvanas
Why are you still with a man who ignored all your wishes, and was able to ignore your crying, fear and pain for hours just to get his way? A normal loving person wouldn't be able to stand seeing you suffering at all, let alone for this long. NTA but YWBTA if you stay with this abusive prick.
agreensandcastle
You are dramatically under reacting. Personally I’d try to press charges. I hope you learn to love yourself enough to leave.
Queasy-Sport-7234
NTA. I try not to be quick to judge on here but you definitely aren't overreacting and this is a massive red flag. Obviously a father should be involved in decisions for his child, he should get a say and it should be respected.
But when it comes to birth, the mothers choices should matter so much more. Requesting you consider a home birth and asking you to research it even is fine. Forcing you is so beyond okay.
Childbirth is so hard on a woman's body. And there are so many things that can go wrong. Choosing a home birth isn't wrong, but it should be the mothers choice. Putting you under unnecessary stress could have caused complications, all so your husband could be in control.
Financial_Bear_5071
YTA if you even contemplate having another baby with this man?. Are you crazy !!! He didn't care one iota about what you wanted, your comfort, or your safety. He just wanted what he wanted, and he'll do it again.
Personally, I'd have gone straight home to my family until after the baby was born, the second his mother and the doula rocked up and started pitching in with an opinion.
Watson424242
I’ll be honest, I don’t understand. Why the hell didn’t you call an ambulance and go to the hospital? I’m mean you are NTA but you have to learn to stand up for yourself.
LoosePassage4058
NTA. You’re not his wife, you’re his incubator. This is insane. “Mothers are strong, you’re not trying to be strong”. And just like that, he is blind to her humanity. Get out OP.