Wife refuses to live with husband’s affair child; 'His kid is not welcome in my home'. AITA? + Update
"AITA For telling my husband that his affair child is not welcome in our home and if he wants custody he will have to move out?"
Icy-Frame-666
My husband and I have been married for 9 years. In 2021, we found out my husband was being sued for child support. Turns out my husband had an affair shortly after we were married. It nearly ended our marriage, but we went to counseling together and I agreed to stay in the marriage with the following provisions:
My husband was to get a second job so that his child support payments did not affect our household budget and that at no point in time would I ever consider having a relationship with this child. If he wanted to pursue one with them, fine. But I have absolutely zero interest in this kid.
So my husband has been getting to know his kid over the past couple years and recently my husband came to me and informed me that there was some sort of baby mamma drama. Apparently, she has to self-surrender in May and is going to be incarcerated for 8 months.
My husband told me that he needed to take custody while his affair partner is locked up, otherwise the kid would have to go to their grandparents who basically live on the opposite coast from us. Their kid doesn't want to have to change schools or be so far away from their friends, dad and mom (she will be doing her time fairly local to us).
So, after my husband told me that, I got up and left the house. I went to the grocery store on the corner and grabbed a copy of our area's apartment guide went back home and handed it to him.
He asked if I were serious. I told him I still felt the same way as I did 3 years ago. He said he didn't think that was fair considering the extenuating circumstances. I told him I don't care about the circumstances.
His kid is not welcome in my home, if he wanted to take custody I will grant him an amicable divorce, but I am not changing my mind. I am not taking care of some other chick's kid.'
EDIT - For all the people concerned about what a whip cracker I am in making my poor husband work 2 jobs... He has never had a fulltime job since we have been together. He works 2 part time retail jobs now that add up to 40-50 hours a week.
He currently only has supervised visitation with his kid. The see each other once or twice a month for a couple hours with a social worker present. And for those who seem to think that I need to be the one to file for divorce. No. I will not.
I am not the one who created this situation. If my husband wants to pursue custody, I have told him I will not fight it. I will grant him an amicable divorce and let him be on his way.
However, I am not going to waste my own time, energy, and money to do so! He is responsible for getting his own ducks in a row for the situation he created. That includes being the one to go through the headache of filing.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Major-Distance4270
This marriage should have ended years ago.
VerbalGuinea
The counselor is too good at his job.
donalddick123
You ever get in a cab and they take you the longest way because they get paid more the farther they go?
ethernate
It’s like what they say about consultants: “if you can’t be part of the solution, there is plenty of money to be made prolonging the problem”
Effective-Help4293
Why are you still with him? In no way do I think it's your responsibility to raise this child. But it is his responsibility. And this poor kid didn't ask for any of it. The whole situation would be happier and healthier if y'all just split up.
ThatInAHat
Yes exactly. If she’s not ok with him having a kid, well. He has a kid. That part isn’t going to change, and the child still needs care. Just divorce him already. The idea that she WON’T divorce him.
So long as he doesn’t have anything to do with his kid/leaves the child for foster care or whatever is the bit that makes this nauseating to me. Like. Would that really make OP happy? To know that a kid is suffering? Just divorce him.
lboogie757
I don't think that's what she meant. She said, repeatedly, that he was able to have a relationship with the child so long as it excluded her and he didn't bring the child to their shared home. It worked out (somehow) for 3 years but since the situation changed, she's going back to the divorce stance.
So again, not that he couldn't have a relationship with the kid, just not with her involvement. She also didn't tell him to send the kid to foster care. She immediately told him to find an apartment and move out.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE: AITA For telling my husband that his affair child is not welcome in our home and if he wants custody he will have to move out?"
Icy-Frame-666
After posting, my husband and I continued to discuss the situation. I held firm and iterated again I will not live with a child and if my husband wants to pursue this, he will have to find other housing
We discussed divorce. We discussed temporarily separating. We discussed a lot. We sat down and had a pretty big financial talk (he is not involved in our financial planning) I showed him the numbers he realistically had to work with.
I told my husband the truth, that while I love him, I won't lose sleep if we divorce. He has to do what's right for his own happiness and his kid. My husband had a bit of a breakdown over that.
There was a lot of crying and him telling me that he loved me and didn't want to lose me. I broke down myself. We had a real good cry together. He asked if we could go back to our marriage counselor.
So, I made an appointment. We went. We discussed the same things above but with a counselor present. It basically boils down to my husband being very overwhelmed and conflicted about everything.
He confessed he didn't really want to be an active parent but feels like he is supposed to (there's some deep stuff in there about his own family and race tied into that. So complicated emotions). He is terrified of losing me. He wants to prioritize our marriage. Hearing me say that I wouldn't lose sleep over divorcing left him shook.
Our counselor strongly suggested that my husband get into individual therapy and gave some referrals. My husband has not pursued that. It did become pretty obvious to my husband that he was not in a place mentally or financially where he could take full custody though.
So the kid is now in Virginia with maternal grandparents. My husband was actually going to go and visit the kid for their birthday this weekend. I gifted my husband some of my airline miles to buy his plane ticket. I did his laundry last night while he was at work so he'd have clean stuff to pack.
However, my husband dropped the ball on his trip. I had a plans for this afternoon that I left early for so I wasn't home when he was supposed to get up and leave. He stayed up late playing video games last night and overslept.
Ended up missing his flight and couldn't afford last minute tickets on another. He's in an angry mood and is playing elder scrolls now trying to get his mind off of it. I've got my sister and some friends coming over in a few for a salsa canning party in a bit so I'm hoping he gets into a good grove with his game because I am going to have so much margarita.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
EQ4AllOfUs
You did his laundry and gifted him air miles. He stayed up late playing video games and missed his flight. He’s upset so he’s playing a video game to take his mind off of the situation. I think he derailed his trip on purpose.
NoeTellusom
Right? This guy is an adulterous loser. Why the hell she's sticking around is literally beyond all sense.
PrideofCapetown
”He confessed he didn't really want to be an active parent”
Perhaps he should have thought about that before shoving his peepee into someone who isn’t his wife? Honestly, what does OP see in this man baby?
NoeTellusom
No idea. She needs to cut her losses and hire a divorce attorney.
RaymondBeaumont
He cheated on you. He has never had a full time job.
He can't adult. Why are you married to him, again?
angrymom284710394855
OP. Wisdom is chasing after you, but you’re clearly way too fast.