'AITA for telling my husband I don’t want his mom in the delivery room?'
"AITA for telling my husband I don’t want his mom in the delivery room?"
I’m 35 weeks pregnant with our first child, and things are starting to get tense with my MIL. She’s been all over the place, saying it’s tradition for her to be there during the birth like she was for her other grandkids.
She’s even started assuming she’ll be in the room with us when the time comes. I’ve always planned for it to just be me and my husband. I want the moment to be calm and private.
I told my husband this, and at first, he was supportive. But now, his mom’s been pressuring him, saying it’s her grandchild too and she helped bring him into the world.
Last week, she showed up with a hospital bag for herself, ready to go. I told her nicely that I didn’t want anyone else in the room except my husband. She got upset and cried, saying I was taking away a special moment for her.
Now, my husband’s in the middle. He gets where I’m coming from but feels guilty about upsetting his mom. He even asked if I’d let her stay for early labor, but I said no. I need the space, and I don’t want to worry about her emotions while I’m in labor.
She’s been talking behind my back to the family, calling me controlling. My husband thinks I should reconsider for the sake of their relationship, but I feel like I have to set boundaries. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Tell your lousy, cowardly doormat of a husband that if he keeps pestering you about how mommy should be there, he won’t be in the room either. Childbirth is not a spectator sport and the only view that matters is that if the person undergoing a messy, scary medical procedure.
That’s you. Everyone else can eff off, including your husband. It would better to give birth alone than with people who will stress you out. NTA, but MIL and AH Husband sure are.
NTA. Your delivery, your baby, your choice. I would - to be safe - make the hospital aware of who you want in the room with you. If she does turn up (I assume she will) they’ll refuse her entry, and you won’t have to deal with having to kick her out, or have any stressful interaction during labour.
Her comment of helping bring your grandchild into the world, is wild! Sharing DNA and being physically involved in your grandchild being conceived are two VASTLY different things.
NTA. Your husband needs to remove himself from "the middle" and be firmly on your side for this. He's as much(if not more)of the problem for even entertaining her tantrum when you've expressly stated your wishes for when the time comes Child birth is stressful enough without having the added burden of someone else trying to hijack YOUR TIME.
NTA. Why do we get one of these posts every couple weeks about a MIL who demands to be in the delivery room? What is it with current MILs that they don't understand anything about boundaries?
NTA. Child birth is not a family fun time experience. It’s child birth, it’s painful and dangerous. You need to be prioritized here and his mom needs to learn her place in all of it and respect it.
Enforce your boundaries now with your husband or this will just be a series of upsetting situations when she’s next telling you how to raise your kid and your husband will be still unsure if his own umbilical cord was ever cut. “She helped bring him into the world” This is a weird and disturbing comment for any grandmother to make. Boundaries, now.
A little two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
It’s been 12 days since I posted, and things have been… a lot. After reading all the advice and taking some time to think, I sat down with my husband again to talk everything through.
I explained how much I need him to prioritize us right now and how important it is for me to feel safe and comfortable during labor. Thankfully, he seemed to understand more this time and agreed that his mom’s feelings shouldn’t come before mine in this situation.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
The fact that this is such a common issue BLOWS my mind.. I don’t have kids but have friends that do and a lot of them experienced this. Glad it worked out for you tho!
NTA, tell the hospital ASAP about who it allowed in the room. Those nurses will make sure your wishes are granted. She can be in the waiting room. You can throw my mom won't even be there so your mom doesn't get any special treatment.
NTA. Your MIL is an idiot. Your husband is an imbecile to even consider that she helped bring the grandchild into the world. Was she there for the conception? This is beyond violating boundaries and respect.
it amazes me how many people treat labour and delivery like a spectator event, instead of a medical procedure.
Every time this comes up I want to tell the woman to say to the man:
“I will consider it if you agree to get completely naked before lying on a table with your feet/legs in birthing position and let 5 strangers, my mom, and me watch you poop yourself first.”
Husband isn't in the middle. He's taking the path of least resistance like a coward. It's more uncomfortable for him to upset his mom than his wife, so he's trying to get her to lie flat and be a better doormat so mommy can have her granny experience.
Impending birth is a hell of a time to find out your husband and his mother both view you as just the incubator for their spawn, and not a full person with rights to privacy as well as the only person who needs to be in the delivery room... but it's more common than people realize. If hubs doesn't get in line, I hope OP ousts him as well.