'AITA for telling my husband to stop using his weaponized incompetence?' 'He’s going hunting all day.' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my husband to stop using his weaponized incompetence?"
We got into bed and my husband said “if you find yourself in the kitchen tonight can you program the coffee pot so I don’t have to wake up earlier and do it?” And I told him just to go to do it now so it’s done in case I’m not awake during the night. He said he didn’t know how.
I told him he does, since he was the one who taught me. That was the end of the conversation. 10 minutes later, my blood sugar goes low (I’m type 1 diabetic) and I asked him if he could get me some juice from the kitchen to help. He said “no you’re fine, go do it” I said “really? I’m already at 3.1."
His response was “yeah well I asked you to make a pot of coffee and you said no, I’m not getting out of bed unless you’re at 1.5” (which is dangerously low blood sugar). The situation escalated and he said he’s not helping me since I won’t help him.
I told him I won’t help him if he doesn’t get utilizing his weaponized incompetence because he simply doesn’t want to do something. He got mad and said he’s telling my doctor who I see for my diabetes how I don’t take care of myself because I went low.
A low blood sugar is often times out of my control and can be unpredictable. Keep in mind he isn’t waking up early and wanting coffee for work, he’s going hunting all day while I stay home with the kids. He refused to help me, we’re both mad. I got myself juice. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Divine_Freya said:
NTA. Your husband's behavior is manipulative and concerning, especially considering your health condition.
TroublesomeTurnip said:
NTA obviously. But tit for tat is dangerous when your health is limiting you. Keep glucose tabs by your bedside. But your SO should want to help you. You guys need therapy because I bet this is a pattern.
enchantedeveee said:
NTA – you’re not asking for unreasonable help, and his refusal to assist you in a moment of genuine need while trying to manipulate you with "weaponized incompetence" is unfair and selfish.
sangrealit7 said:
NTA. This person is clearly not interested in being with you “through sickness and health."
honeybeesparkle said:
NTA. Your husband is weaponizing his incompetence as a way to manipulate and control the situation. It's not fair for him to put your health at risk just because he doesn't want to make coffee. Don't let him use your diabetes as an excuse for his actions. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions and stop being lazy.
pinkpeachflufff said:
NTA. It sounds like your husband is using his "weaponized incompetence" to manipulate and control you. Low blood sugar is a serious issue and it's not something that you can always control.
His behavior is unacceptable and it's not fair for him to use your health as a bargaining tool. He should be supportive of you, not punishing you for not doing a task that he could easily do himself.
PotatoMonster20 said:
NTA. But you should make sure you have an easily accessible source of sugar next to your bed for the future.
Glitch427119 said:
If your husband actually thinks coffee is equal to medical care, then he’s just a massive idiot at best and a manipulative POS at worst. NTA.
UPDATE:
I know there are lots of comments questioning the legitimacy of my diabetes. This is a very much true post. I’ve been diabetic since 2010, and have been using an insulin pump since ~2013. I use a Freestyle Libre2 sensor, I don’t have benefits for a CGM that connects to my pump.
As for my husband, we’ve been married since 2020, together since 2018. Up until last year, our marriage and home life was beautiful and there was never a doubt of his love for myself and our children, his willingness to help, support, encourage every aspect of my life and our children’s lives.
This past year has been challenging for our marriage and there has been an uphill battle of medical concerns for one of our children, and an added financial strain. It just takes a toll on a couple and it can feel very draining.
I genuinely just wanted somewhere to post for an outside perspective because I know that when (I specifically) low blood sugars happen they can come along with irritability, non-compliance with taking food/juice/sugar, and all around a shift in personality.
Yes, I should have had juice at my bedside. I typically get some on my way to bed, but I ate 1/2 hr before going to bed and (mistakenly) thought I would be fine.
Marriage counselling is something that has been mentioned over the course of the past year, and it’s something that we need to address because we obviously both have our faults. I appreciate the concern, insight, words of guidance, wisdom and the people who call it as they see it.