'AITA for telling my husband that I will divorce him tomorrow because he doesn’t clean anymore?'
"AITA for telling my husband that I will divorce him tomorrow because he doesn’t clean anymore?"
I'm at my wits end. Everything changed after marriage and I couldn't tell you why. Our biggest problem is cleaning. My husband used to clean up after himself but after marriage he just completely stopped with no warning. We were dating for 3 years, engaged for 1, and now freshly married. We're 28 and 29.
After we got married my husband stopped cleaning. He wouldn't pick up after himself, wouldn't do his agreed upon chores and suddenly became a slob. It was like he's been intentionally dirtying things up.
I stopped doing all of my housework out of protest a month into our marriage and I now live in complete and utter filth. I'm rarely home due to the mess. I part time live with my sister at this point and he doesn't even care. I come home only to sleep at night and sometimes I don't even come home at all.
It's like we aren't even married anymore and it's draining my mental health to the point where I've had multiple breakdowns this month. I'm completely over it. I wanted to get married but this is not the man I married. I would much rather be home where I belong, but I'm not a maid.
The mess is as follows: wet food in the sink from him throwing his plate (finished or not) in there, bugs, garbage littered everywhere, puddles of mystery substances, the trash is never taken out, all of his laundry is dirty, clothes unfolded, crumbs galore, takeout everywhere since he won't cook, dishes piled to the skies.
I can guarantee you there's more but I can't describe it right. It's like he's a toddler. It's exactly like mommy isn't cleaning up so he's tornadoing through our house and not caring. Before he would scrape his plate, rinse it, then leave it. He would take the trash outside and take the cans to the curb, he'd sweep, vacuum, occasionally do laundry and he would never eat in the bed. Now he does it all.
A few hours ago I told him that if he doesn't clean up tonight then I'm divorcing him tomorrow. I said if I don't see some progress on the house then we're over. He told me that I'm being an ahole for no reason and that cleaning is no longer his job. I nearly popped a blood vessel. We did not decide on that.
He's telling me that I'm throwing everything away over pride and that all new marriages go through this transition. B%ll f%cking sh%t. He told his mom and she called me not too long ago and told me that I need to calm down and reconcile. I really love my MIL and she's one of the most level headed people I know, hence the reason I'm writing this post.
She's making me wonder if divorce is too far because it's only mess, but it's mess. She told me that we can reach a compromise, need to take a breather and talk about it all, but I truthfully do not want to.
She reminded me of our good times and that life won't always be the way it is now, but I'm feeling incredibly skeptical. I cannot stand filth and I can't live like this even if it's for him. AITA?
EDIT:
After writing a long comment, I'm done. I know I just posted, but I truly am done. My MIL made me second guess myself but all I needed was to think about it all and hear an outside opinion even if it's just one.
He fooled me for 4 years and marriage is not trapping me. He used to clean up after himself and be the most wonderful partner. It's a real shame that he showed his true colors after we paid so much on our wedding. I'm not a maid and he's not a toddler. Even toddlers are more responsible and respectful than him.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Cocklecove said:
Walk away now. Think of how awful it will be if you decide to have children. Find someone who will respect you.
BabyyyyCute said:
NTA, your husband's behavior is completely unacceptable. It's one thing to have different cleaning standards, but it's another entirely to actively refuse to contribute to a shared living space. The level of filth you're describing is not just messy; it's unsanitary and disrespectful.
mediocreERRN said:
NTA. And it’s his complete change once he’s married. Like she is now his maid. You’re the one throwing it away? Because you aren’t tolerating this insane behavior? He’s the one. It makes me think he’s freaking out about being married and driving you to leave so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.
Substantial-Air3395 said:
This is not entirely uncommon, a lot of times people hide who they really are, until they get married, and then the mask drops. He fooled you, and I’m sorry that happened. NTA.
Atama_Mama said:
NTA. You’ve given him an extreme, but easily met ultimatum and he’d rather fall on gender roles and cry to his mommy than be an equal partner to you. Ignore anyone that says “try marriage counseling” a grown-ass man does not need a professional to know he should pick up after himself and respect his partner.
Datura_Rose said:
NTA. I've been there - same scenario, once we got engaged and moved in together, my ex let the house get disgusting because he felt it was not his job to clean. Later, after I left him but before I cut contact, he told me that his father told him to stand his ground and wait me out, and that eventually I'd crack and clean up and that he needed to ignore me and refuse to do anything I asked him to do so that I'd "learn my place."
Any man who suddenly expects rigid gender roles as soon as they're married/committed is a raging misogynist and is absolutely just looking for a bang maid. You deserve better. Don't let him change your mind and don't believe him if he tells you he'll change. He's just showed you who he is.