'AITA For Telling My Future MIL That If She Wants Me To Have a Large Wedding, She Can Pay For It?'
"AITA For Telling My Future MIL That If She Wants Me To Have a Large Wedding, She Can Pay For It?"
Weary_Usual5332
I recently got engaged to my fiancé Ryan. He was actually my high school sweetheart, but we broke up during college, and have been back together for the past seven years.
Some context is that I am the youngest of three girls. My parents are both doctors, and they have done quite well for themselves. I think my future in-laws think they're much wealthier than they actually are.
Most of their money has gone into mine and my sisters educations, and so they still have to think about money and how much they're spending. My parents were kind enough to pay for my private college, but I had to cover law school on my own.
I still have close to 100K to pay off. I make good money now and will be able to pay it off on my own, but also, Ryan and I want to buy a house and have children, and so the debt is stressful. Also, a sizable percent of my salary for the past several year has gone towards paying off my debt.
My dad pulled me aside when I got engaged and told me that he set aside 75k for each of his daughters for weddings. My oldest sister had a huge, fancy wedding and spent most of the money on a ceremony.
My other sister had a modest wedding, and put the rest of the money towards a down payment on a house. My dad basically said the money is mine to do what I want with, whether I want to spend it all on a wedding or put all of it towards my student-loans or something else.
I spoke to Ryan about this, and we agreed that I should put all of the money towards my student loans. Neither of us care about having a huge wedding, and we'd much rather get my debt paid off quickly so we could start saving for a house.
My parents think this is a smart decision, and are happy I'm using the money sensibly. They also know I've never been someone who cared about having a fancy wedding, and always thought I'd use the money for something else.
When I told Ryan's parents that we're going to do a courthouse wedding, my future MIL Jan was upset. Jan said that my oldest sister had a beautiful wedding, and asked why I didn't want the same.
I explained the situation to her, and that I'd rather put the money my parents set aside towards my loans and have a small celebration with our close family and friends. When I say small, I mean our parents, siblings, one or two close friends, and that's it.
To be honest, if it was up to me, I'd just want it to be me and Ryan, but I think both of our families would be hurt by this, and so I want include at least parents and siblings.
Jan told Ryan and I that we were being selfish, since weddings are about uniting families and celebrating with loved ones, and we're putting our needs before that. She also said that we're both attorneys and aren't exactly struggling to pay the bills.
She asked if we'd consider putting half of the money towards a ceremony and half of it towards my loans, and we said no. She then started saying that she had a ton of relatives who wanted to be included in the ceremony and will be disappointed that they don't get to see Ryan get married.
Ryan told his mom she was being a hypocrite since she literally eloped and didn't include her family in the ceremony. Jan started crying, and saying it was a huge mistake to not have her family there, and she didn't want Ryan to make the same mistake.
I stepped in and told Jan that if she wanted to pay for a wedding where all of her relatives would be included, then Ryan and I would be happy to take her up on it, but the money would have to come from her since she's the one who cares about us having a large wedding.
This upset Jan, and she told me that the woman's family is supposed to pay for the wedding. She said that it's selfish that two doctors wouldn't help with my student loans and also pay for a ceremony.
This set me off, since my parents have been extremely generous with me, including paying 100% of my undergrad tuition. I told Jan that my parents have worked hard for my sister's and I to have everything we needed growing up and to pay for our educations, and I don't feel right asking them to contribute to a fancy ceremony on top of everything they've already given me.
Ryan was furious, and told his mom that he doesn't want her at our wedding if she's going to act like this. We ended up leaving, and Ryan hadn't spoken to his mom since. I talked to my oldest sister, and she thinks I'm being selfish too.
She says I should put some of the money towards a wedding and some of it towards my loans, so our families could enjoy the special occasion. But I've never wanted a big wedding and I'm stressed about my loans and just want them paid off. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Novel-Sprinkles3333
If she wants a $75,000 party, she can pay for it. You and Ryan want a stable future, which is a much more sensible plan than a huge expensive single day. Memories are great. So is financial stability.
Weary_Usual5332 (OP)
LMAO 100% agree.
primordial_chaos_007
Honestly OP, you've got a solid man on your hands who's not afraid to stand up to his mom for you. Stand your ground, you're not alone And frankly, I've never been one for elaborate decorations and fancy weddings. I'd much rather use that money towards a house payment.
PrideofCapetown
Completely agree. And please do not listen to the sister who blew $75k on a 1-day party.
UrSweetRainbowxoxo
You’re not the A-hole. Prioritizing your student loans over a big wedding is a smart choice, and it’s important to stick to what you and Ryan want. Your future MIL is being unreasonable by insisting on a large wedding, especially when it’s not your vision. Focus on your financial stability—you're making a sensible decision.
KeyHovercraft2637
If you and your fiancé don’t want a wedding then that’s all you need to know. No is a complete sentence. They can hold a big party for everyone to get together and “celebrate” your marriage.
With the economy what it is you are making a sound and reasonable decision. As you also pointed out your parents are more than generous with their children. Even if they were billionaires they aren’t required to finance anyone's wedding. While they may make great money they also earned it by themselves.