'AITA for telling my MIL she needs to back off?' 'That's just ONE example.'

"AITA for telling my MIL she needs to back off?"

I 28(f) have 3 children, 9(m), 5(m) and almost 1(f). My two boys are from a previous relationship and my husband is the father of our daughter. For context, we live with MIL due to her needing help with bills. I love my MIL, she's been a great support system and loves the kids but she has an issue with interfering a little too much.

Whenever there is a problem with the older kids (them not listening, talking back, doing something they know they shouldn't be) she needs to get involved. Even before my husband or I try to take care of the issue ourselves she trys to be the parent.

When we do correct them she still needs to always put her 2 cents in and also tells us what she would do instead. We've also caught her not listening to us as far as rules we've set in place and things we've asked her not to do.

For example, we've asked MIL not to place our daughter in MIL's bed for a nap because she can wake up at any moment and decided to crawl off but she continues to do so. That's just one example.

We continuously tell her we are the parents and need to be the ones to parent first, unless we aren't around to do so at the moment. She also does little things like calls our daughter "her baby," has seen something my daughter is wearing and has said "I have something just like that...

I could put it on and we could match" has said how much my daughter resembles her and she even mentioned to me one day how she "accidentally" told my daughter to "come to mommy" when she was on the floor crawling.

The last straw was when she had our daughter on her bed and my husband was standing in the doorway of her room, our daughter was crawling around and got a little too close to the edge for my husband's comfort, so he reacted and reached his hands out and slightly launched himself to the bed.

MIL started yelling at him about how "she's fine, I was right here" etc and my husband told her she's his daughter and it made him uncomfortable. MIL then continued saying " how do you think you survived as a baby" etc.

I lost my cool, I heard everything from the kitchen and stormed to her room, grabbed my daughter and told her she needed to back off and stop playing a parent role, she's not my children's parents, she's their grandma, and if we're not comfortable with something she needs to respect that. It's been super tense in the house the last couple of days, AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Relevant_Turnip_7538 said:

Oh heck no NTA! You are absolutely right to set, and enforce, boundaries. If she doesn’t respect that, then bills or no bills, she can’t live in the same place. I’m guessing she never had a daughter and sees your daughter as her chance to be a "girl mummy."

Squash that right now, it’s deluded and oh-so-creepy! She needs to learn to be the grandma (which I understand is a lot more fun anyway), and leave the parenting to you and DH.

FamiliarFamiliar said:

Make a different living arrangement where you don't live with MIL.

Saberune said:

NTA. But this isn't going away. You're living in her home. She feels a sense of ownership, and she doesn't respect your boundaries. You only have two choices: continue a never-ending battle for dominance, or move out.

And that's it. That's where it begins and that's where it ends. I know you were hoping for something easier, but you're not going to get it. And just for funsies, all this extra friction is going to poison your marriage, too.

I bet you've already started squabbling over stupid shit because of the extra stress, haven't you? You're going to begin to resent your husband for forcing you to live with his shrieking mother, and he's going to start resenting you for not working harder to keep the peace.

You have got to get your family out of there now, or it'll happen later under much more dire circumstances. And then MIL gets the satisfaction of having her baby boy all to herself again while she whispers into his ear how you were never good enough for him anyway. Get out.

Queen-Pierogi-V said:

OP, move out. You and DH are not responsible for her financial problems. Let her get an adult roommate to split expenses. She will ruin your marriage and blur the lines of authority over your children. You are NTA. You have laid out boundaries. She continually tramples them.

She is not interfering “a little too much”. She is defying every boundary you have. She may provide support, but she puts your LO in danger and contradicts your rules with your older kids.

That is not help, that is hindrance. I’m sure she says she loves the kids, but more she wants control. A woman who loves her grandkids doesn’t correct or contradict their parents I front of them. You need your own space.

Then_Penalty_460 said:

NTA, but since you live in her home (right? I guess it’s unclear if she moved in with you or you with her), and has been unresponsive to your (completely reasonable) requests that she change her behavior, you might need to reconsider your living situation as it seems unlikely she’ll change - so if you want a change you might have to make it happen yourself.

k23_k23 said:

NTA. STOP living with MIL - it is ruining her life. Help her find a nice roommate, and move out.