'AITA for telling my mom’s boyfriend that his kids will never be family?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my mom’s boyfriend his kids will never be family?"

Roughly more than a year ago my mother introduced me to her boyfriend. Since then me and my 3 siblings have been introduced to his three kids and our families have been "merged." Though we still live in separate homes, his family is over our house all the time, but it’s very obvious he is purposely leaving me and my other older sibling out of the "family plans."

Last year during thanksgiving, I was informed 3 days before that ALL of his kids (including his adult child) and my 2 younger siblings along with my mother were going to meet our grandparents 6 states over. Me and my older sibling were whiplashed as we didn’t have enough time to pull together funds or time off to join them, we brought this up to our mom and she simply said she guesses we can join them next time and she thought we knew.

That left me and my sibling alone for a week during thanksgiving, in which we each just ended up going to a family members house who we don’t see often. We were both very hurt by this incident, and brought to each others attention how many "family trips" they have had (whether it’s a weekend thing or not) without inviting us or telling us until the day of.

We’ve kept our mouths shut until now, but with Christmas coming around, we were getting nervous they were going to do the same thing. Thankfully they didn’t, but we were told to be sure to get his kids gifts as they are now "our siblings." Having to get gifts for 3 people who we aren’t even close to really sucked, but my sibling and I begrudgingly did so.

I don’t remember how it got brought up today, but I found out his kids weren’t getting ANY of my siblings gifts, not even the adult despite them all having jobs. This really pissed me off and I ended up lashing out on both of them, specifically my mother’s boyfriend.

I told him that I don’t care about him or his kids, but if he wants to play family he’s not playing the "father" act well at all. He retorted with he doesn’t need to share his life with adult kids and to him we’re just our moms past. I’ll admit I got nasty after this, telling him his kids are baggage enough and my mother doesn’t need anymore kids, and I’ll never look at his spoiled rotten brats as family.

This seemed to really hurt my mom and she started crying, her boyfriend screamed at me to leave so I did, I’m staying at a friends right now but I’m wondering if I went to far. I don’t give a f-- if I was the asshole to the boyfriend, I already know that part. But was I an ahole to my mom in this way too? I just don’t want her to forget that she has 2 kids who still see her as their mother and she can’t just forget they exist because her boyfriend won’t acknowledge us.

EDIT:

I am 20 and the “older sibling” is 17, I only said older because they are older than my two younger siblings who are under the ages of 10. I pay half the rent and half the household expenses in the house with my mother, and without me we wouldn’t be housed (I think everyone knows how expensive it is to live on your own right now, let alone with 3 kids excluding myself).

I will be going back home and understand he can’t kick me out of a place my names on the lease on, but I am trying to cool myself down. Did this update to clear some things up for people.

UPDATE:

I came home pretty early this morning to have a talk with her mom when her boyfriend left. I took a lot of your advice and told her how leaving me and my sibling out is not blending the family in any manner, and how I feel like my own home is being invaded despite my contributing significantly.

According to my mom, her boyfriend didn’t end up spending the night due to them having their own fight. My mother made it very clear that she was pretty ignorant to everything we felt, whether it was on purpose or not, but she started crying last night not only from what I said, but everything her boyfriend had said as well.

A big part of their talk after I left was discussing me and my sibling, she didn’t tell me everything they said but they will be taking time away from each other for a little while as my mom agreed that at some point he can’t just leave me and my siblings out...

...but she also feels I was rejecting him and his kids early on along with my siblings and it’s why she didn’t ‘invite’ us to a lot of things because she didn’t want to put us in uncomfortable situations.

This led to me bringing up the fact that I pay half the rent and I would prefer from now on they go over his house in the future, and how I need to see respect from him and his kids and not treat me like a ghost in a house I contribute towards. She understood and said that she herself won’t be seeing him for a while.

This then ended with her sobbing again that at some point I will be getting married and the kids need a father. Our dad died roughly 6 years ago due to terminal illness, at this point my parents were already separated but since then my mom has really only had flings, nothing serious.

And the older I get the more she fears I’ll leave her in the dust and she will have no one to help her with my siblings or the future. (I know a lot of people said this but I thought maybe you guys were just assuming but I guess she was feeling like she needed to secure herself). Similarly, his kids' mom has been dead a little less than 4 years for a similar reason though I don’t know all the details.

My mother said multiple times that she can’t expect me to live with her forever and take care of her at the drop of the dime, and how she has been wanting a full time companion for a long time for stability but also for companionship. By this point she had to leave for work and we decided to put a pin in the conversation.

I don’t think I’ll be updating much further than this. I thank everyone for the advice and the consideration they gave to my post. I still feel like an AH but I do feel a little less crappy setting the boundaries I did considering over half of you said I should have done it sooner. Thank you, I appreciate it.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

No_Philosopher_1870 said:

NTA. The boyfriend seems to be looking at you as more of childcare and extra food for his kids than someone with whom he wants to have an actual, relatively equal, relationship.

People who exclude you are fools to think that you will include them. I wouldn't give gifts to his children. A sad observation that I have long made about my family is that the PRESENTS that I brought mattered a lot more to them than my PRESENCE, so I stopped going years ago.

If the toll to attend is bringing his children gifts, you can do without that gathering. It sounds like Boyfriend did a hostile takeover of your family rather than a merger. It's sad that your mother chose her boyfriend over you. Get out when you can.

Natural_Garbage7674 said:

NTA. Your mom's boyfriend called you your mom's past. He is intentionally leaving you out and leaving you behind. But your mom is letting him. You need to have a serious conversation with your mother.

You may be adults, but you are still her children. If she doesn't want to be your family anymore, if her "future" is her boyfriend, his kids and your younger siblings, then she needs to face the harm she's causing. If she wants to pick her boyfriend and his kids then make her admit that she's doing it.

Make her face her own behavior. She doesn't get to abandon you, turn on the waterworks, and pretend she's the victim. She doesn't get to be a good person. The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.

wh1telotus_ said:

NTA. Boyfriend is showing blatant favoritism, and mom is enabling it. Neither parent is making any effort to ensure that you and your siblings feel included in any capacity, using your age as an excuse. Not an ahole for pushing back against favoritism and mom's boyfriend trying to push you & your siblings out of your own family, and your mom isn't standing up for you like she should.

curiousity60 said:

NTA. Your mom and her boyfriend are in a relationship. THEY can decide to include the other's children in activities, trips, gift giving. They CAN'T dictate that YOU treat the bf's kids as siblings, or anything other than your mother's occasional guests.

It's time for healthy boundaries. You aren't dating your mom's bf or his family. You are not your mom's resource for her to use to "treat" this guy's kids. Your mom is centering her life on this relationship. She's both pushing you aside AND trying to create an obligation for you to "date" his kids.

OP, plan your escape. Your mom is trapping you by relying on you to help support a household in which you are devalued, ignored, and have no influence. She will financially cripple and entrap you there. Plan on moving elsewhere rather than renewing or extending the lease. The end date of the lease is a great target for your independence day.

Start saying "no." "Your bf is not my responsibility." That extends to his kids. Limit where your money goes. Pay bills directly if you choose. Buy groceries. Do not just give her money.

Not for those things, not for anything. If you help with rent, send your contribution directly to the landlord. You are in danger of financial abuse, if not already experiencing it. She will find a million ways to "need" your money so you never have enough to be independent of her.

OwlUnique8712 said:

NTA - Wait! Did he kick you out of your own house? And if so did your mother actually sit there and let him do it? Because if so your mother, sounds like the one causing the issues in your home not just the useless boyfriend.