Hospice care mother shuts down MIL's secret plan to take toddler on weeklong vacation without them. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for telling my mother in law my toddler will not be going with her on a vacation she planned without asking?"
I have an almost three year old beautiful little girl. She’s just a few weeks shy of her third birthday. My baby was out in hospice four weeks ago after having gone into remission late May.
Unfortunately, the cancer has returned except it is now crushing her optic nerve and is about 8cm long. Multiple doctors recommended we make our daughter as comfortable as possible as they do not believe removing the tumor is a good option. I have so much to say in regards to her diagnosis but heartbroken will suffice for now.
My husband and I have been making tons of memories with her for the past few weeks. We’ve included family in some of these memories but we both feel that we want to spend as much time with our daughter as possible.
My mother in law called me yesterday to tell me she booked tickets/hotel/airfare for a trip next month. I thought it sounded fun until she said she was taking our toddler with her. Just her, my daughter, and her husband. She did not invite my husband and I.
My daughter isn’t even three yet. She has never stayed overnight anywhere and mother in law wants to take her for one entire week across the country, alone. I suggested that my husband and I both go that way our daughter is comfortable and for gods sake in the event she dies? She can’t be gone for a week. Her nurses are here. Her care is here.
I suggested what if we all go for a shorter amount of time. I came up with various suggestions to which all were turned down. I should add that if my daughter was not in hospice I still would not be comfortable with our toddler being across the country for a week alone without her parents. My child being in hospice adds another layer of complexity to the situation.
I told my mother-in-law that her decisions that she made alone without consulting us was a solid no. She called me a few names and hung up on me. She then called my husband and called me a few names and suggested she would fight for rights before my daughter dies.
I’m already grieving. My husband said we should acquiesce to his mothers trip to avoid drama (even though he agrees that our daughter is too young). But I want to spend time with her before the cancer takes her, she’s too little etc. I said no for various reasons not just to say no.
Edit: Thank you to everyone who took the time to share their thoughts and insights. I appreciate the outpouring of messages and I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to reply to them all.
I wanted to add a few things. My mother in law lives in the same county as us. In the same city as my parents. It’s only about a 20 minute drive without traffic. However, my in laws have always been very adamant that we visit them.
So I usually take my daughter over every other week for a few hours for a visit. Rarely do they ever come to our home. My parents like to visit and always have. My daughter is much closer to my parents for this reason.
Anytime my husband and I go to date nights my parents come over and watch her because they like for her to be in her comfort zone. This is before the cancer. Since the cancer diagnosis we’ve been in and out of the hospital for weeks at a time.
My parents have still been very much involved with helping but I’m the form of dropping off meals, helping with laundry, etc. I’m very close to my family and my family has been very respectful of us needing space as a family during this time.
I think my in-laws may be expediting guilt because they haven’t made much of an effort yo visit us, see us, or accommodate us. It’s always about what I, their daughter in law can do for them. Have always felt like an incubator who’s just there to facilitate a relationship between them and my child.
Also, to add, I am set on distancing myself as much as I can. I’ve cut off contact with my mil and I do not want her around after this fiasco. I’ve completely blocked her from my phone and I communicated this to my husband. He is sad but says he understands. A few of you mentioned that this was an eye opening situation and it really has been. On many levels.
Second edit: I saw various commands about mother in law possibly wanting to taking my child on a trip to get her alternative treatment. Mother in law planned to take my child to Disney World in Florida which is across the country from where we live.
Mother in law lives in the same state, in the same county as us. My husband and I have taken our child to Disneyland a few times in her life and most recently once. Going for one day was exhausting, and my daughter was spent after the day.
I can’t imagine my daughter handling Disney world for more than a day but also I would like to be there for said trip. Even if my child wasn’t dying I would still not be comfortable with her going without me. It’s such a bizzare situation.
My mother-in-law isn’t one for alternative treatments and I haven’t out right asked her but I wouldn’t be shocked at this point. Either way, my child isn’t going anywhere with her. Supervised or not. I’ve already made that clear to my husband.
She wants to come and visit it will have to be at our home. Even then I’m still not on board after everything that has transpired. I’ve been thinking really deeply the last few months but even more so in the last 24 hours.
I don’t know how I can continue being part of this family. I’m trying not to think too far ahead but I’m seriously doubting continuing on in this marriage. Thank you again everyone.
Third edit: I am really close with my family, specifically my mom and aunt. They know the wishes I have for my daughter. My husband and I argued about where our daughter should be buried for a good week. It was awful.
He wanted her buried with his grandma and where his parents and him will be buried. I wanted her buried at the cemetery my grandparents are buried at and where I plan to be buried at.
My husband is in the military so I’m confused as to why he does not want to be buried with his combat brothers but that’s entirely up to him. After this fiasco with his mother I put my foot down about where I would like my daughters final resting place to be.
I just never thought it would be so much back and forth about where she will get buried, the week long trip we weren’t invited on or consulted about, and acquiescing his mothers wishes. Dumpster fire to say the least.
I love my husband but I am appalled by his behavior. I should also add that my family was very supportive about where I wanted my daughter to be buried at when the topic came up. They even said wherever we want because it’s not their choice.
I even entertained cremation just to try and come to a middle ground of sorts. I didn’t even want to discuss burials and cremations until I absolutely had to. I’ve been avoiding it. Now it feels morbid to discuss it because my daughter is still alive.
My husbands family was upset when they brought the topic up. Because I didn’t automatically want my daughter at their cemetery of choice. Their main argument was that my daughter carries their last name so she should go there.
My argument was my family already has four open plots and I want to make one a double for me to be when my time comes. I’m even exhausted writing this. Because this is my life and it shouldn’t be. We should be a team. United in grief. Now I feel like all I have is my baby and my family to hold me up.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. Nope. Just no. She wants to take your terminally ill daughter across the country for 7 days? And your husband would rather go along with it than tell his mommy no? Has everyone in your life lost their damned minds ?!? Absolutely not. Your daughter isn’t going anywhere without you. Period.
I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened to my daughter while she was gone if I were in that situation. OP your husband is being ridiculous by even suggesting that you just go along with this. This is YOUR child and no one should feel entitled to take her for that amount of time when she is already on hospice. Your MIL in insane.
Mind blown that the mil would even suggest it. What is wrong with her.
NTA & tell your husband to get his s&&t together. You don’t take a 3 year old on hospice on vacation without their parents. My heart breaks for you, I’m so sorry your MIL is adding stress to this situation.
melodybeepbop92 (OP)
Him and I had a discussion this morning while our daughter was still asleep. I told him that I currently do not foresee myself staying married to him once my daughter is gone. Not after this. Not if he doesn’t stand up for his daughter, his wife, and our family. He looked pretty shocked.
But I’m pretty set on not having anything to do with his family and him included. I thought him and I were a team, but he’s been spineless with his mom most of our marriage and I’m usually the one who is setting boundaries. I think my daughter having cancer and being in hospice is what broke this camels back.
NTA. Your husband is though.
"My husband said we should acquiesce to his mothers trip to avoid drama"
Under no circumstances do you do this. Remind your husband that if she does start drama, she will be using your dying daughter to do so. I can't think of a more vile and selfish way to act towards a family that is suffering a tragic loss.
"suggested she would fight for rights before my daughter dies"
This is a guaranteed way to destroy an entire family, extended relatives and all. People will take sides on this depending on how much or how little of the truth they know. And people will disagree. Strongly. And this will last for years.
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
It’s been a few days since I’ve been online and I’ve read some of the messages. Truly, thank you to everyone who has sent their warm wishes, support, encouragement, etc. It’s been very touching and I’m so grateful.
My daughter has begun slowly deteriorating and it’s become all very overwhelming. My husband now realizes that this time is precious. That we are on borrowed time and that our time (mom and dad) is the most important time.
We’ve had two sessions of grief counseling/couples counseling while my daughter sleeps. Our therapist has really helped us both understand how borrowed our time is and how this time truly is for us. Everyone else is secondary.
Not to say that extended family isn’t important. They are but there is allot of extended family. A lot. However, I’m not sure I will be staying married in the long run. Although, this isn’t the time to make such a deep decision.
I am emotionally drained from all that has transpired not only this past week but this past year. You truly see peoples true colors when shit hits the fan. An example of this is on my phone I have eight different alarms each day for my daughter for all of the medication she takes daily. Daily.
I have been the one who flushes ports, administers medication, cleans up vomit, gives back rubs, and the like. I have been in this through the thick of it. Having to learn everything. Because no one else will.
My mother has been the only person who has asked how I’m doing. Who has brought me coffee, meals, held me when I’ve cried, who’s been a rock. My husband will sometimes be emotional present but usually he’s not.
Other than my mother I have never received a text from any other family asking how I’m doing or how they can help. Like I said earlier I see everybody’s true colors. My focus right now is my baby. I will focus on the rest when the time comes. But for now we are surviving and we are trying our best. Thank you again.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's posts:
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m glad your husband saw the light so to speak, about his mom. But his lack of support during this most difficult time is both alarming and terrible. I’m glad that you are able to focus on your baby. Sending prayers your way.
I’d be surprised if that marriage was able to recover. Many marriages can’t survive the death of a child when the marriage was in a good place before the death occurred. It sounds like dad dropped the ball well over a year previous to this incident by not really being emotionally present or helping mom shoulder the burden of caring for a sick child.
Then he absolutely betrayed her by trying to get her to give into his mother. He stopped being a safe person at that point. I’d never be able to trust him again, let alone after the only thing that held us together was gone. That poor family. I hope they all found healing, whether together or apart. Except that MIL, she can fuck right the hell off.
Well, we already know who is winning Most Rage-Inducing for 2025.
Who in this god forsaken world would be insane enough to TAKE A DYING CHILD OUT OF HOSPICE? OP, if you see this, I’m so sorry. I’m crying for you. Losing a child is something no one should endure. I can’t imagine.