'AITA for telling my mom to stop playing the victim and ruining Thanksgiving?'
"AITA for telling my mom to stop playing the victim and ruining Thanksgiving?"
My mom and I have always had a strained relationship. Growing up, I learned early that everything had to be about her, her needs, her feelings. I was expected to manage my emotions around her, tiptoeing through every interaction to keep the peace.
If something didn’t go her way, she’d somehow twist the situation until she was the one hurt, the one who’d “done everything right” and was never appreciated. I hated the way it made me feel, but I told myself that one day, I’d have a chance to set boundaries, to live my life without walking on eggshells.
But as an adult, nothing’s really changed. I still find myself anxiously checking my tone, weighing every word before I speak, just to keep her from making herself the victim. This year, I decided to host Canadian Thanksgiving for the family, and I promised myself it’d be a peaceful day. My mom could come, but I’d just focus on keeping things calm. No drama.
Things were fine at first. My dad was cracking jokes, everyone was catching up, and I started to think maybe this time would be different. Then, as we sat down to eat, my mom started in. First, it was the small jabs and comments about how I “never call,” how I’m always “too busy” for her.
I tried to brush them off, but then she moved on to bigger things, saying how “family means so much to her” but she feels like she’s the only one who cares. That’s when she launched into her usual spiel about how much she’s sacrificed, how no one appreciates her, and how she’s such a “good mother who’s never shown gratitude.”
I could feel my blood start to boil. I tried to hold my tongue, but I couldn’t do it. I snapped and said, “Mom, you really need to stop playing the victim. It’s exhausting, and it’s why we don’t get along.”
The room went dead silent. She sat there, shocked, before her face crumpled, and she started crying. She called me cruel, heartless, and said I’d ruined Thanksgiving. She said she’d only ever tried to love me, but I was too “selfish” to see it. She stormed out, and my dad followed her, giving me a sad look, like he knew this was coming but couldn’t do anything about it.
Now the family is completely divided. Some of my relatives have called me to say they understand, that she needed to hear it, but others think I was heartless, that I could’ve been kinder or more tactful. They keep saying she’s my mother and that one day I’ll regret speaking to her this way. But a part of me feels like I had to say it; if I didn’t draw a line now, I’d be stuck in this cycle forever.
I’m conflicted because I never wanted to hurt her, especially not on Thanksgiving. I just couldn’t keep pretending her behavior was okay. She refuses to see her role in our issues, and I’m tired of always being the one who has to accommodate her feelings. So…AITA for finally telling her the truth, even if it hurt her?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Tumbleweed_Jim said:
NTA. So you hosting Thanksgiving wasn't enough for her? Nah, she needed to hear it and AS A GUEST IN YOUR HOME, she was incredibly rude and bad mannered. Tell people that. That you were hosting her and she couldn't even be a gracious guest. Was it harsh? I mean not as harsh as you could have been but it's equally harsh for her to make YOUR dinner party about her.
Stranger0nReddit said:
NTA. Sounds like it needed to be said. Will she take it to heart eventually? I wouldn't hold your breath over it.
Sweet_Cinnabonn said:
NTA. You'd be to blame if you brought this up out of nowhere. But asking you to take this abuse while sitting in your own damn home is asking too much.
dvnmsm said:
NTA. You were in your home, hosting her oh by the way, and she decided to drag you at your effing dinner table. You had and have every right to tell her when enough is enough.
For those shaming and reminding you that she's your mother, remind them that being a parent doesn't entitle one to sh*t on your kids. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Keep doing it. You're worthy of respect and peace of mind.
Zealousideal-Web9737 said:
Oh honey, NTA. Sometimes, a mom can be self-absorbed. You did nothing wrong. Keep standing your ground. My mom tried this stuff with me for years. I stood my ground throughout. We get along fine now. Took her years to figure out her stunts wouldn't work.
CrazyOldBag said:
NTA. You know she will never change. The only thing you can control is how you react to her. You need to stiffen your spine and NOT crawl back to her. You may have to completely cut her off for your own peace of mind. She is not, and never will be, the loving mother you want, so you need to live your life your way.
ChatKat1957 said:
NTA! Wish we’d had the nerve to unload a few times, but we were a different generation. Next time she tries it maybe say it’s time for everyone to say what they’re thankful for…and just ignore her.
Dunstglocke said:
NTA, you did nothing wrong. Also, why didn't anyone ever tell her that her behavior was annoying and inappropriate? What about your father? Is he just sitting it out? Why do you of all people, as her child, have to explain to your mother that her behavior is childish, why has no one in the family ever done that?