Teen’s 'evil' label sticks after rejecting parents’ sudden embrace at favored sister’s funeral. AITA?
"AITA for telling my parents I'm not a band aid for their grief and they can't slot me into the wanted place just because their favorite child is dead at my sister's funeral?"
My 16 year old sister died a month ago. We weren't close, because of our parents and how they favored her and turned her into someone unlikable. My maternal grandparents, who took me in a year ago because my parents were straight up ignoring my existence at that point, told me I (18M) had to go to the funeral 1) because she's my sister and 2) because I needed to support my parents in their grief.
I went reluctantly and mostly out of respect for my grandparents because they did take me in and got me away from my parents house. When we got there my parents were acting so different toward me.
They had stopped paying any attention to me when I was 7 or 8 years old and a year ago they told me they were disgusted by me and ashamed to call me their son because I wouldn't give my sister the love and attention she deserved.
So the attention from them was not pleasant and had been completely unexpected. There was a mini-fight before the service because I refused to sit with them. My grandparents attempted to push me into it but I ignored them.
Once the service was over my parents were trying to cling onto me and hug me and I haven't been hugged by them in 10 or more years. It frustrated me and I told them to stop and tried to shake them off.
My grandparents were telling me to calm down and my parents said they needed me and we all needed to grieve my sister together. I told them i wasn't a band aid for their grief now that she's gone and I said they didn't get to slot me into the wanted child place just because their favorite child is dead.
I told them I never should have come and I didn't want their fake BS. My grandparents lost their minds on me and kicked me out for saying what I did. My paternal grandparents, who live in another state, offered to let me move in with them so I made my way to them.
I hadn't graduated yet but that got messed up in the process so I'm not finishing high school like I was supposed to. But I did get closer to grandparents who not only saw how badly I had been treated before but spoke up and were pushed out for saying anything to my parents.
There have been lots of calls and texts from my maternal grandparents so I had to block them like I had my parents when I first moved in with them. But they want me to be ashamed of my words at the funeral and want me to apologize and make peace and forgive my parents and make up for my evil ways (their way to describe it) at the funeral.
My paternal grandparents said my maternal ones always coddled and babied mom and it was no surprise they'd do it even now.
But AITA for what I said?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Have your old school and your new school talk. You may be able to get your remaining credits in summer school. Although, it's only April, so you might be able to finish the school year and graduate on time. Depends on your transcript, I expect. Don't let it go.
You also might be able to go ahead and take the GED. Don't waste time on that, though, because the longer you're out of school, the less you'll remember the info they test.
There should be GED classes that are free. When I did mine as long as I took the classes then they gave me a credit for the price of the test. So everything was free. There was also a life skills program for anyone under 21 that got them a diploma. Luckily these were all free programs. Please use these resources, they will help you and everyone I came into contact with during my experience wanted me to succeed.
You were honest and stood up for yourself after years of being ignored and mistreated. You’ve got every right to protect your peace.
you weren’t cruel. you were honest. grief doesn’t erase the years they treated you like you didn’t matter. you don’t owe anyone your silence just because they finally started looking your way. protect your peace — you earned it the hard way.
NTA but get yourself back into school and finish it. Don't give up now, find a way to make it work before you ruin your future.
You are absolutely right they don't get to treat you badly and neglect you for years until they decide they need you now. I come from a family that has caused a lot of trauma to me so it really upsets me when people try to force someone to talk to or see family who have been harmful and abusive (neglect IS abuse).
NTA. Your parents created a golden child in your sister. It's not your fault that she passed, nor is it your responsibility to support them. They failed you as parents, your maternal grandparents failed you as well. You are an adult now so it's up to you what type (if any relationship) you have with your parents going forward.
NTA. Shame on them. And your maternal grandparents are horrible. They should have respected your no. Contact your high school and explain what happened and ask if there is a way for you to finish, maybe online or at a local school. I bet they be willing to work with you.
FlowerSwallyn (OP)
They weren't willing to work with us when we did try to figure something out. But my grandparents want to try to make something work before I give up and get my GED. Although I'm not really motivated to get that. I'd prefer to go do something instead of that but I will need a GED if not my diploma to get anywhere.
Well, I guess your parents finally found out that you can’t just swap out a kid like a broken remote! Sorry, but grief doesn’t come with a user manual for ‘How to Replace Your Favorite Child’!