SIL accuses woman of 'competing in grief' when she discloses she has had more miscarriages. AITA?
"AITA For Telling My SIL That I’ve Had Four Miscarriages When She Said I Didn’t Understand Her Loss?"
Physical_Book_3940
34F. I’m married and a momma to a one year old daughter. My husband and I actually had a very difficult time becoming parents. I’ve had four miscarriages (four before my daughter was born), but I’m honestly just so thankful that we have her.
I don’t typically speak about my fertility issues, and the only people who know how about my miscarriages my parents, husband, and two older sisters. My husband has a SIL (31F) who we love dearly, but she tends to play the “woe is me” card and act like no one else is struggling as much as her.
She and her husband recently got pregnant, and about a month ago, she had a miscarriage. She’s been open about it on social media and at family events, and so I’ve reached out and expressed my condolences and listened several times. I can tell that she’s really struggling with this, and I genuinely feel badly that she’s suffering.
On Saturday night, we went to my in-laws house for dinner. My SIL was talking about the miscarriage, and how hard it’s been. My little girl was sitting on my lap, but she was playing and obviously didn’t understand what her aunt was talking about.
At one point, my SIL started crying, and my daughter noticed and got upset. She wanted to give my SIL a kiss to make it better (she always does this when someone is upset). I told my SIL that my daughter wanted to give her a kiss, and she said “no” pretty harshly and looked annoyed. My daughter was confused, and I told her to give me a big kiss instead.
My husband said that was rude, since our daughter noticed she was sad and just wanted to make her feel better. My SIL then said it’s just hard that both of her brothers have happy and healthy babies when her child is dead.
She said she loves her niece and is so happy that she’s here, but she’s sad she and her husband haven’t been blessed with a child yet. This deeply upset me, because I can’t believe she’d be triggered by her own niece.
I’ve never looked at my sister’s kids or my BIL’s kids and felt anything other than joy that they were in the world. My SIL must have noticed I was uncomfortable, because she proceeded to say that we couldn’t possibly understand since we haven’t ever lost a child.
I should have kept my mouth shut, but that comment and assumption was the last straw. I told my SIL that we do understand, since I had four miscarriages. I said that it took YEARS of trying before I brought my beautiful girl into the world.
My MIL (who’s very kind and empathetic) hugged me and said she was so sorry to hear I’d struggled with that. My SIL was shocked, and asked why we never told anyone.
I said I’m private, wanted to process it on my own, and have a hard time talking about my own hardships because I know everyone else is going through things as well.
Anyway, my husband told me that his sister called him and is upset. She said I was trying to compete with her by saying I had four miscarriages. She also said I was trying to make the conversation about me when her wounds are still fresh.
She also commented that I was being passive aggressive when I said everyone is going through things and that I was minimizing her loss. My husband was laughing when he told me, but I actually feel a bit guilty.
Maybe it wasn’t appropriate to bring up my miscarriages in that moment, but her comment really got under my skin.
AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Neither_Building_306
Your SIL is an emotional succubus. She is the one who took the drama to the next level, saying that nobody can possibly understand when, in fact, many people can understand, and miscarriages are much more common than it is realized.
Physical_Book_3940 (OP)
Thanks for the perspective. That comment came out of nowhere.
Buttered_Crumpet09
People tell you their feelings when they are making things about themselves. She said you were making it a competition because that's how she sees. Instead of thinking, "Oh my, I'm not alone.
My SIL understands me and it hasn't just happened to me," and looking at your daughter as proof that there can be a happy ending after such horrible losses, she now sees it as the grief and struggle Olympics. Her loss is more recent and so is more important than your four losses.
everdishevelled
You're stealing her thunder by revealing that you've gone through that awful experience 4 times. You ruined her woe is me moment as well by pointing out that people can go through loss without trying to drag everyone else down to be as miserable as they are (no, you didn't say that, but that's what she was trying to do). You pissed on her parade of pissing on everyone else's parade.
bluestoner87
Loss is personal and we all deal with it in different ways, but resentment, competing about who has had it rougher, trying to guilt someone for sharing their story instead of allowing themselves to be an emotional punching bag, which is what she was doing to you, and the playing victim because your behaviour backfired isn't the way. You're NTA.
Aynaking
She likes the attention, and it sounds like she didn’t like that you also have suffered. Probably feels attacked because you have handled it better or more private at least. You did nothing wrong!
Physical_Book_3940 (OP)
Thanks so much! I wasn’t trying to compete since everyone handles these things differently, but you’re probably right.
OttersAreCute215
NTA.
Someone once told me that suffering is not a competitive sport.
oopsydurz
It's never bothered you to be around children when you struggled with infertility, but that really isn't true of everyone. Your sister in law is upset because her brother has been able to have a child and she hasn't yet, and your daughter is a direct reminder of that.
Its okay for that to be upsetting for her, even if it doesn't bother you. She's not resentful your daughter exists, it's a painful reminder of what is so close, and still very far away. Your sil is no saint, but it is understandable why she might not want a kiss from your daughter in that moment. She has a ways to go in turning it down gracefully.