'AITA for telling my sister it’s not MY fault she has children?' 'Her son has MAJOR behavior issues.' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my sister it’s not my fault she has children?"

For background I (F28) have been working for a bank as a processor for the last 10 years and while I know I’m lucky to have my job, my working pattern is good and I have the option to work from home, the job itself is boring and can be stressful, and it’s not what I want to do with my life.

I could never decide what I wanted to do when I was younger and instead of going to college, I decided to work and gain experience for maybe a year or so until I could make my mind up before returning to higher education. But I got too used to making money and never did.

Fast forward 10 years and I’ve come to the conclusion that what I would like to do is write books full time. I have been writing and self publishing for a few years now. However, I would like to be able to dedicate more time to it, but up until now that’s never been an option.

My Husband (M30) was promoted almost 2 years ago now and is literally doing his dream job. He makes far more than I do but not quite enough to completely support us just yet. But recently he took me aside and said he knew I wasn’t happy in my job, and it was hurting him to see.

He suggested that instead of working a 40 hour week, I reduce my hours and maybe do 25 instead, as we can easily afford it. I was completely over the moon at the suggestion, and agreed. Work were also happy to accommodate due to my length service. My sister (F24) on the other hand, was not so happy about my decision.

My sister and her Husband (M27) both work full time hours and have two young children. My sister has accused me of being lazy and saying that I shouldn’t be taking less hours unless I have children, in order to do something that’s just a hobby.

She says that even she has to work full time in order to raise her children and that me “not feeling like” working isn’t an excuse to sit around the house and do nothing all day, while my husband is out making money.

I’ve told her that I’ve worked non stop since I was 18 years old and now finally know what I want to do with my life, which got me the response that if I took more initiative to find out before now, I could have been doing what I love professionally for years instead of just starting out.

This is where I think I might have been an ahole, but I basically told my sister that while I could sympathize with the fact she has a lot on her plate, it’s not my fault that she has children and I don’t.

At this point she raged at me, saying I’m clearly too irresponsible to understand the sacrifice and dedication it takes to have one child, never mind two, and that if I want to be a part time worker and write “silly love stories” then I can go do that.

I’ve spoken to my parents and while they don’t think I’m in the wrong, they say I should be more understanding of why me and my husband being in a better financial position is a sore spot. AITA?

EDIT:

I’m honestly overwhelmed by the response this has gotten and incredibly appreciative of everybody’s support so thank you all for your input. I’m feeling a lot better about things now and less angry overall as a result.

A slight update, I received a call from my Sister’s Husband about an hour ago. For context, the argument with my Sister happened on Tuesday (not Wednesday). He said that he’d noticed my Sister had been off for a few days but wouldn’t tell him what was wrong but finally caved today.

He made it clear on the phone call that he doesn’t agree one bit with what my Sister said to me and that he’s told her she needs to apologize for being cruel and judgmental over what was supposed to be good news in my life.

He didn’t elaborate but hinted that there was more to why my sister reacted the way she did, and that he’d come over tomorrow with my Sister so we can talk. Hopefully we can sort things out because I love my sister and ultimately want her to be as happy as I am in my life.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

eseus said:

NTA. Your sister’s logic is basically "If I struggle, you must struggle too," which is just misery loves company in disguise.

NTA for making choices that suit your life, especially since you’ve worked for it. Her frustration is understandable, but her entitlement isn’t. You didn’t make her life choices, so you don’t owe her an apology for yours. (P.S: Keep writing those "silly love stories," sounds like she could use one.)

Impressive_Moment786 said:

NTA - your sister is jealous that you don't have to work full-time but she does. If she doesn't have anything nice to say she shouldn't say anything at all because it really isn't any of her business how much or how little you work. That is strictly between you and your husband.

kirinspeaks said:

NTA. Your sister is jealous, and showing her a about it. Live your life, write your books, and be happy.

fiestafan73 said:

Your sister sounds like one of those people who when you post vacation pictures on social media will comment “Must be nice.” Those people are incapable of being happy for others because they are so miserable. The best way to deal with them is to not deal with them anymore. Don’t give her any more information about your life and she can’t be a joy vampire. NTA.

grayblue_grrl said:

NTA. Your sister knows far too much of your business. Put her on an information diet and put some distance between you. She is not happy for your success. She's jealous that you have control of your life and your husband is caring and thoughtful. She doesn't have that - because of decisions SHE MADE.

"She raged at me, saying I’m clearly too irresponsible to understand the sacrifice and dedication it takes to have one child, never mind two." OBVIOUSLY she regrets and resents making those "sacrifices" and her "dedication" is only skin deep. Because she sure isn't doing it out of love.

lmmontes said:

NTA. She's just jealous you have more breathing room than she does.

TarzanKitty said:

NTA. How you and your husband choose to divide the labor in your marriage is none of your sister’s business.

UPDATE:

I didn’t think I was going to write an update to this at all, but I got a few messages and requests for an update, so here we are. My Sister and her Husband came by today as promised. They actually came over much earlier than I was anticipating and left a couple of hours ago, so I don’t know if I managed to say everything I probably should have at the time, but here’s the gist for those of you who wanted to know.

It didn’t take a genius to see that my Sister wasn’t doing too well. She normally takes pride in her appearance and how she dresses, while I’m usually the one to prioritize sleep over putting on a full face of makeup.

But when she turned up this morning she looked as if she hadn’t slept in days, she had no make up on and she was just wearing some loungewear. Not overly important details except that she didn’t look like my Sister at all.

She immediately apologized as soon as she walked into the living room and hugged me before I could say anything. I hugged her back, because she’s my little Sister and no matter what, I love her to death.

It also occurred to me that it felt as if she’s lost a ton of weight and while she’s always been slim, this worried me a bit and any residual annoyance I might have felt dwindled quite quickly. A lot of you guessed that my Sister is pregnant with baby number 3. I’m sorry to disappoint, but this turned out not to be the case.

As it turns out my Nephew (M4), her eldest son, has been diagnosed with Autism and has been having some major behavioral problems as of late. He’s always been a rambunctious kid and prone to a tantrum, but I put this down to him being a child and didn’t think too much of it.

Apparently he’s been having huge meltdowns at nursery school, leading to him being violent with other kids and members of staff, and it’s led to my sister having to leave early from work on very short notice and has had to call in sick several times when he’s in a bad way.

Due to this, she’s been called in to a disciplinary meeting which might lead to a formal hearing, and it’s really worrying her. She’s also incredibly worried about what her son’s life is going to look like and how much support he’ll need moving forward.

Her Husband is there for her, of course, but he works a job where he needs to drive hours away at a time, so isn’t always at home in the mornings when things are at their worst. His Mother lives alone in another part of the country, and our parents aren’t able to do a whole lot of babysitting as our Mother still works and our Dad has bad problems with his back.

She acknowledges that her behavior was totally uncalled for, but that hearing about me being in a position to be able to cut my hours when she’s worrying about even having a job in a couple of weeks really triggered her, and that she’s been on medication for her mood for several weeks now as it is.

I told her that of course I understood how her position could be stressful and upsetting, but if she had trusted me with this info and confided in me as a Sister, of course I would have been there for her in any way I could have.

Her Husband cut in at this point and assured me that they were both incredibly grateful for every time I and my own Husband had helped them out over the years, and he didn’t want this to be something that caused our families to drift apart.

My Sister agreed and again she acknowledged her mistake and admitted that she feels like recently things have been really difficult for her while my life seems to be falling into place.

She said that even when I was at my lowest, I still did everything with an air of confidence that she has always lacked, and that even when I didn’t know where my life was going I always held my head high and saw the positives. Something she is really struggling to do right now.

She also told me that she told our parents about speaking to a doctor and being on medication for depression, but had asked them not to say anything to anyone, which is probably why they wanted me to go easy on her. Overall, I’m not mad anymore and I know that deep down my Sister is happy for me, she’s just in an uncertain situation right now and it got the best of her.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:

DBgirl83 said:

I'm sorry she's having a hard time. To be honest I still feel like they are trying to talk you into babysitting her son. Helping your sister is important, but if they ask this, please think about what your means for your dream.

Inside-Property-4579 said:

Being a parent of a child with intellectual and developmental delays is stressful. Please encourage her to find a circle of support. I worked for a special needs organization for just over 7 years and have the stress she’s feeling. And it won’t just impact her and her husband, their other child will also be affected by the diagnosis.

Depending on where she is in the world, there are a lot of support and resource organizations out there. If you want to help without babysitting, start with google and compile a list of organizations she might find helpful. I have a niece with Down syndrome and sometimes just taking the time to help my sister with research was the biggest help I could offer.

Fancy_Association484 said:

Good outcome. Stress causes all of us to make mistakes. Being accountable and sincere in an apology shows true character.

Far_Scholar1986 said:

Your poor sister, she seems truly remorseful. No one is truly prepared for a child with special needs and having to work full time on top of that is incredibly hard and let’s be honest life is easier without kids. Losing your job has a different meaning when you have kids who completely depend on you.

I would look into all the programs in your area that help with special needs and I know where I live special needs kids can start public school at age 3 where they can get the help they need. I really hope things work out for your sister in the long run.

EmptyPomegranete said:

Ahhh poor sister. Raising a child with autism is so hard, especially when their behaviors include tantrums and aggression. Please have her look into early intervention behavioral therapy.

It is essential he gets help now before patterns of behavior are set and he can learn how to utilize coping skills and strategies. Looking for places that are neuro-affirming and assent based are best. Good luck to her and I’m glad you guys have made up.