'AITA for telling my sister-in-law the reasons why my wife will not be her surrogate?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my sister-in-law the reasons why we were not going to surrogate (mother) for her?"
Note: I dont want to start a discussion around surrogates, I respect every posture and I think it ends up to the specifics, so please, keep that in mind when commenting.
We’ve been married for 10 years (M40-F32) and have two children. About 5 months ago my sister in law (I’ll call her Donna) and her husband(Jake) started “joking” around with us about the chance of my wife being a surrogate mother for Donna (39) who was recently told by 3 different medics that she cannot have kids on her own.
I didn’t like the tone of the conversation but did not mention anything as it was a “joke”. 3 months passed and the jokes became a direct ask (to my wife only) from Donna and Jake, her mother, Jake’s Mother and a “close friend”.
When my wife and me started to discuss this we both agreed it was the best to gather everybody together to decline (we scheduled it for spring-break as all we live a couple of flights away from everybody).
From time to time we talked about our decision,never changed our minds, but discussed the situation. During one of this talks I mentioned I did not agree due to different factors(my wife agreed on two of them):
- Pregnancy is not a game, mother/baby life are literally on risk.
- Although Donna and Jake always mentioned they would cover the cost of everything, what would happen if at some point they just turned around and said “we changed our minds”. (Not to mention we have no idea of the legal implications of the process)
- Some background on Donna: she decided not to have kids until now, when my first child was born there was this small talk around her plans for family and she told us that it was not in her plans(not with Jake yet) because she wanted to travel and meet all kind of different places (which she did).
When my second child was born she (and Jake now) told us the same and even said they were not sure they wanted to become parents. I’m not judging her decision, I’m just mentioning the fact that pregnancy becomes more difficult with age and that is something you need to consider if having family is on your plans.
Last week we announced them we would decline their offer and everybody just froze, when we gathered them they thought we would announce we were accepting and this shocked them. Her family started blaming me and my wife about it, saying the common “family first” speech.
They made us feel like sh!t and we decided to leave. I’ve been receiving calls every 2-3 days from Donna, Jake and all her family saying that I don’t have a word on it (even we are married and she is the mother of my kids) that she should be able to decide this on her own.
During one of this talks with Donna I mentioned the reasons why I didn’t wanted to do it and she hung up on me and since then all her family completely shut down communication with us (not complaining on my side), but it affected my wife and the kids also started to ask why they dont get calls from her grandmother. AITA for telling her?
Edited to add info on what I told to Donna:
While I was explaining that we had two childs and didnt wanted to take any risk on my wife health she just kept interrupting me with “facts” about how small that chance was in the present time, and just kept talking about all her research.
I got tired of having my(and my wife) actions questioned and told her (not verbatim): “This is a personal choice, I don’t like to justify my actions as I don’t like to ask for other people justifications. You and Jake decided to wait until now to have a family and we respected that can you do the same and respect our decision?”- that is when she hung up on me.
The first call from a third party was from my wife’s mother. She started the conversation (according to my wife) with “we talked to your sister and she told us they asked you to....”- nobody else knew at that point so we assume this is true, then Jakes mother and then my wife (and sister in law) friend.
At that point this became a regular topic during any call, we thought it would be a good idea to let everybody know at the same time as everybody was involved at that moment (not by our choice) and also because we felt it would make them feel better to have this delivered face to face. Huge mistake, but we never thought they would react the way they did.
We always talked to them together. The initial approach was with my wife only but they didnt looked surprised when I mentioned it, so I just assumed they were relying the communication through her. My wife was clear on her position , they just assumed I was behind it. (I think they still do)
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
[deleted] said:
NTA. This isn't a game I would want to play either. There is a risk to it and I fully understand the reasons of why you would be against it.
[deleted] said:
NTA holy shit pregnancy is no small task. Assuming and demanding your wife be a surrogate for them is major @$$hole.
throwaway_123n said:
NTA : Pregnancy is so hard on a women, if your wife doesn’t want to do it she should not feel forced into it. What if any complications occur and her life is on the line? They could always go though an agency, adopt, ask someone else. I think they were just looking for someone to blame about their inability to get pregnant and are now lashing out on you guys.
TheRealDTrump said:
NTA. Extremely rude (and dare I say abusive to wife) to guilt her into being a surrogate. It seems as if everybody all made up their mind that she should be the surrogate even before asking her. She has every right to refuse and you also have the right to weigh in on the situation
JDburn08 said:
NTA. “No” is a complete sentence. That you and your wife explained your reasons is kindness to them, not an invitation to argue.
They are not entitled to the use of your wife’s body. If she (in consultation with you, as a partner in her life) chooses not to do so, that is her choice and they have no say in the matter. That they are trying to pressure and guilt her into doing so is inconsiderate and disrespectful.
OP responded:
Totally agree, when we left my in-laws house the first time we told them no we felt so demoralized. We never expected that kind of reaction, when we opened the door (to leave) they just stared at us and closed the door after we left. I dont what gives them the right to decide over others people body. In my opinion this should be offered and not asked for.
He later shared this update:
I want to thank you for the support provided on this post, over PMs and for all your different opinions, it really helped us to see things with perspective and provided some comfort to my wife(I shared this post with her). We are sticking to our decision, we’re not surrogating for them.
For those worried for my family (specially my wife) she is doing more than ok, as I mentioned we live far from everybody else (for the last 4 years) and although distance can take a toll on the family in this case is a blessing, we dont need that toxicity around us (specially around our children). No updates so far in the situation, we don’t have interest in resuming the relation with my SIL and BIL.
As for my MIL well... I think my wife has the final word there but it doesnt matter what she decides I’ll be standing next to her side. [I’ll provide an update if anything changes hoping it helps somebody else in the same/similar situation I also think is the least I could do given the support we received, sincerely thank you all!]