Woman surprised by divorce after contacting husband's NC family, introducing their children behind his back. AITA?
"AITA for telling my sister to stop talking about her divorce around me?"
Radiant_Corgi_4716
My sister and her husband are getting a divorce. He moved out of the family home and filed. My sister didn't see it coming despite warnings that it could happen because she went behind his back.
The story basically goes, she married him knowing he had absolutely no interest in having his mom, stepdad or half siblings in his life. He didn't like his stepdad. He didn't want half siblings.
That was something everyone in our family knew. He was open about having no desire for contact. My sister married him, had kids with him, and then decided he was wrong to deny his family for being steps and halfs, so she was making contact and introducing the kids behind his back.
She argued with him when he found out and said if nobody else, his half siblings deserves to be included because they're the most innocent in his family. They didn't ask to be born and weren't a part of any of the wrongs his mom and stepdad did.
He told her he wanted nothing to do with them and they weren't his real siblings anyway. He also told her she had gone behind his back and betrayed his trust and he was not going to stand for it or allow their kids to see "that man" as grandpa or "those kids" as aunts and uncles.
My sister doesn't want her marriage to end but has also been pissed at her husband because he's "correcting" stuff she told their kids about the stepdad and half siblings and has told their kids they (stepdad, half siblings) are not family and stuff.
She's mad at him for that because the kids are more resistant now to contact with their paternal side and don't call them grandparents/aunts/uncles anymore. But she also doesn't want to divorce her husband.
It's a mess. It's crazy. My parents are encouraging her to open up and stuff. To talk about it. I'm less sympathetic and patient. It's six months on from him filing and I can't be around my extended family without hearing about this. My sister goes from badmouthing her husband to saying she hopes he calls off the divorce and they can work out and be a family again.
My sister also tries to talk to me just 1:1 about it. I think my reason for being so indifferent to this, annoyed about hearing it, is because she knew how he felt. She knew what his boundaries were re: his family. She had a choice not to marry him.
She had a choice not to go behind his back. To expect he'd be fine with it when she knew... regardless of what anyone thinks of his actions... hers were not that smart and should not come as a surprise and I don't feel bad for her.
I do, however, feel bad for the kids caught in the middle. When my sister tried to talk about the divorce again two or three days ago I asked her to stop talking about it with and around me.
She asked how I could be so cold and I told her it wasn't like people didn't warn her (my parents did before they got married because they didn't love how her husband felt about the half siblings). And hearing about this over and over is getting so old. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Timely_Egg_6827
NTA - Putting aside her actions which are deplorable, you don't get to decide who will be your emotional support human especially when they are conflicted. She has a wide range of people who can console her and let her rant.
You don't need to be one. You can't change the situation. If she doesn't understand why it is happening, she never will. "Getting old" is maybe a bit harsh - but refocusing from "I can't help you with that but what else do you need help with". Some people are better at offering practical support than emotional. I agree with you, the poor kids.
The OP responded here:
Radiant_Corgi_4716
It's going to be SO confusing for them. Mom says one thing, dad says another, mom says these are dad's family, dad denies them and refuses to be around them. Not to mention going from seemingly happy family to divorced family fast (for them). Ugh. I hope they feel loved and supported through all this regardless.
And what I still come back to is she knew. My sister's husband was clear. So this was no great shock to her. She just felt she knew better than him and she could get away with it, with nothing else changing.
TheMaStif
I'm entirely confused as to why it's so important for your sister that she and her kids have a relationship with his step-family. They mean nothing to her, they mean nothing to him; as far as the kids know they're just distant cousins; so why is she so adamant?
She knew it was going to cause issues, she did it anyway, and then doubled-down afterwards? I'm calling her lies; she sabotaged the marriage because she didn't want to be the one calling for the divorce and now she needs to play the victim to everyone and anyone she can possibly do so in order to provide her a cover story.
AnythingOk7886
NTA, man your sister is not an active listener at all, created this mess and now wants a hype crew. I would not want to listen either.
aheadcustard
You might want to gently remind her that while you care about her, you need to limit discussions on this topic. Encourage her to seek support from a counselor or therapist who can provide her with the professional help she might need.
zlittle16
NTA. The kids are only related to the mother, not the steps and her husband didn't have a relationship with his mother/step family by choice. HIS CHOICE which is his right. Sis had NO right to decide she knew better. I would have divorced her too.