'AITA for telling my wife her decision to become a SAHM is making me lose attraction and respect?'
"AITA for telling my wife her decision to become a SAHM is making me lose attraction and respect?"
I'm really struggling with something and could use some perspective. I (34M) have been married to my wife (32F) for six years. We both have college degrees and work full-time jobs. We don’t have any kids yet, but we’ve been talking about starting a family soon.
Recently, my wife told me she wants to quit her job and become a stay-at-home mom once we have kids. This completely blindsided me because she’s always been so career-driven and ambitious. Her job has been a huge part of her life and identity, and she’s worked incredibly hard to get to where she is.
I tried to understand her perspective. She said she wants to be there for our kids and provide them with a stable upbringing, which I respect. However, I have to admit that I’m really not okay with this plan for a couple of reasons.
Firstly, I don’t want to be the sole breadwinner. The financial pressure of supporting our family on my income alone is overwhelming. We’ve built a certain lifestyle together, and maintaining that on one salary would be extremely challenging.
Secondly, and this is the harder part to admit, I’m losing attraction to her because of this sudden lack of ambition. When we first got together, her drive and determination were some of the things I admired most about her.
The thought of her giving up her career to stay at home makes me feel like she’s letting go of a huge part of what made me fall in love with her. It’s not just about the money; it’s about the shared values and goals we had.
When I told her this, she was really hurt. She said I wasn’t being supportive of her desires and that being a stay-at-home mom is a natural and fulfilling role for her. While I respect stay-at-home parents, I never saw that as part of our plan.
I was honest with her and said that her decision is making me lose respect for her, and that if she follows through with it, I’m seriously considering divorce.
She thinks I’m being unreasonable and unsupportive, but I can’t shake the feeling that this is a fundamental incompatibility.
So, AITA for telling my wife that I’m losing respect and attraction for her because she wants to become a stay-at-home mom and considering divorce if she follows through with it?
Readers were torn, let's take a look:
sagh12 writes:
NTA. Ideally, this is something that should've been discussed before marriage, but the main thing is you've discussed it BEFORE any children are in the picture.
Everyone has preferences. You are allowed to have yours, and so is your wife. How she feels on this subject probably isn't going to change, and it probably won't change for you either. If she goes back to work because of your feelings about it, she'll resent you for it. If she stays home, you'll probably resent her for it.
You're already considering divorce before children are in the picture, so it probably is the better option. You shouldn't have children with someone who you are so unsure about. It's not fair to her, it's not fair to you and it certainly wouldn't be fair to a child.
ghyooul writes:
Ya, I didn't expect it, but YTA. Let me start by saying it is totally fine to not want a partner who stays at home. I wouldn't want to be fully financially responsible for my partner, and I think it would breed resentment in me. It is also fine to desire ambition and success in a partner.
The two of you probably should have spoken about how you each planned to raise children before getting married. So neither of you are the AH, or you both are, for missing that important conversation about kids before joining your lives together.
Where you become the as^%$#le here is tying work to ambition, and after 6 years of marriage, having such a large part of your attraction to your wife be tied up in her...job?
By the way, I am a childless woman for some of the same reasons you probably don't want your wife to be a SAHM. But I also didn't marry someone with the idea of having children without thinking at all about how to raise them.
bepsin writes:
NAH- however, I do think you are overreacting a tad bit. First- Did the two of you sit down with numbers and go over logistics of how long she wants to be a sah parent? What are the financial ramifications of that plan, including the likely hood that she will be able to role back into her career when she is ready?
Second- changing her desires and goals does not make her less ambitious, she is shifting her focus. What are her hopes/dreams/goals of being the sahp? I think you are slightly the A H, by making the assumption that someone who gives up or pauses a career to care for their family lacks ambition.
Find out what instigated this. If she truly is an ambitious person with a plan, I highly doubt she just said “whelp, don’t feel like working anymore. I’m just going to pop out some babies, eat Bon bons and watch my stories while OP supports me”
Eta: since you don’t have children yet, it is possible that the two of you start saving now to cover “her half” of the expenses for the time she will be a sahp, don’t start trying for a kid until you have that amount saved. This should help with the financial pressure.
homeche writes:
I'll provide a different perspective here. Working full time outside the home and raising children is challenging. She probably knows you won't be helping with your children because you are self centered.
As far as no longer being attracted to her, SAHM will be using her sexy drive, determination, and management skills on the next generation... your biological children. I understand your issue with being the sole financial provider but you can live on less.
You will save the money which is expenses associated with her working outside the home. She will probably want to return to work in the future either part time or full time. So, YTA.