'AITA For Telling My Wife That Her Wanting a Biological Baby so Badly Is Illogical?'
"AITA For Telling My Wife That Her Wanting a Biological Baby so Badly Is Illogical?"
Practical-Buy9804
38M. Have been married to my wife (37F) for 8 years. I love her, and our life together is overall great, but we've had a lot of challenges. My wife has miscarried four times and hasn't been pregnant for over two years. We both have fertility issues, and have tried almost everything (including artificial insemination) to get pregnant. Last week, our doctor asked if we'd consider IVF.
We have the financial resources to do it if it's something we both want, so that isn't the issue. My wife and I talked about it, and she really wants to try. I, on the other hand, feel uneasy about it for two reasons.
First, I don't like the idea of my wife having to go through an invasive surgery and then possibly going through stress of more miscarriages/heartbreaks. I told her this, and my wife said it was her body and decision to make, which I agree with. Still, it's hard as her husband to think of her suffering more.
My second reservation is the part that really upset my wife. I want to preface this next part by saying that I fully support other couples who want to go through IVF/ feel the need to have a biological child.
But, for me personally, I'd be just as happy adopting as having my own biological child. I think this is large part because my younger sister is adopted, and she's such an integral part of my family and life.
To be honest, when I think of my sister, I feel a bit guilty jumping through all of these hoops to have a biological child when there are already so many kids out there who need homes.
Also, my last name isn't Windsor, and I don't feel there's anything so special about me that makes me feel like I NEED to pass my genes down. My wife and I have spoken extensively about adoption, and it's something she's open to, but she really wants at least one biological child.
Here's the conflict: I feel we've reached the end of the road and should start the adoption process. My wife doesn't feel we've reached the end of the road until we've tried IVF.
Our last conversation about this got heated, and I told her she was being illogical for wanting a biological baby so badly when there are so many kids in our own city who need a home.
I told her she'd love the child we adopt just as much as a baby we bring into the world, and that there's no need to put her body and mind through more stress. Needless to say, she's very unhappy with me right now. AITA, or do I have a point here?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Noovaaa23
It's understandable to want to avoid your wife going through more pain, but telling her she's illogical isn't helpful. This is a deeply emotional topic for her. It's okay to share your views, but do so with compassion and understanding.
Ambroisie_Cy
I'd add this too: "I'd be just as happy adopting as having my own biological child." Then if for you, you don't care one way or the other and your wife is ready to go through that process, why is it still a problem?
FoundationWinter3488
YTA for saying she is illogical. NTA for wanting to adopt. Ask the doctor why she would be able to carry a child conceived through IVF, if she miscarried so many times. IVF can help someone get pregnant. Carrying the pregnancy is another matter. Does the doctor know why she miscarried and how to prevent it happening again?
Gullible_Research669
It’s her body, her choice. HOWEVER, you also have the right to tell her that you aren’t interested in continuing to try and try and try for a biological child when it doesn’t really matter to you.
You can’t make her not do it, but you don’t have to support it either. Just make your stance known, and stick with it. NAH. Everyone has their right to their body and feelings.
Open_Platform2533
Mild YTA. If she’s willing to go through it and it’s important to her, I don’t feel you should dismiss the option or make that decision for her. If that fails, you can still adopt a child.
Her chances of naturally having a baby certainly won’t be improving as the years go by, so from a female perspective for her it’s a now or never kind of moment. A pregnancy is full of risks and it really messes up our bodies, but at the same time there’s also something magical about growing a new life inside of you.
Maybe for a guy that’s hard to comprehend, because you’re always a “bystander” biologically speaking, but as a woman I can relate that it’s part of the experience of having a child I wouldn’t want to miss.
Temporary_Analysis55
Listen. Your opinion on this does matter (except not about how you’d be worried about the physical impact of all this on her body). It’s that you said “illogical” where you messed up.
I can almost guarantee that what she heard was “your feelings are illogical and invalid”. Doesn’t matter what you MEANT by saying that, it matters how she interpreted it. Aside from that, I don’t think either of you are TA, this just sounds hard.
bmotherobo
honestly, yta. you are more than entitled to your own opinion, but obviously your wife very badly wants her own biological baby, enough so to the point where she’s putting her body through a lot of pain and discomfort to get that baby. and that, in no way shape or form, is illogical.
neither is adopting a baby, and by the looks of it she wouldn’t mind adopting either! do the IVF, if that doesn’t work you can adopt a child. it is her body, her choice, and something she wants.
i don’t think this is useful to argue about when you don’t really have much of a point other than you don’t want her to be in pain. a lot of women would love to adopt, but also want their own biological baby.