Staunchly child-free husband refuses to support wife during surrogacy pregnancy for sister. AITA?
"AITA for telling my wife I will not support her while pregnant?"
My 29M wife 31F and I have been together since 21 and 23 and we have both mutually decided way before even discussing getting married that we don’t want kids and we still this way.
However my wife’s sister is the opposite, very much family oriented wants to have a big family. And listen, I do like kids and I am fine looking after them for a day or two or being with them at family events.
But the idea of a lifelong commitment and responsibility is something I’m too selfish for as I want to travel and relax on weekends and when I’m old I want to enjoy peace and quiet so having kids doesn’t sound ideal to me.
My SIL has had trouble conceiving and has tried other options but they have had to resort to surrogacy and they have asked my wife to be there’s. My wife has pretty much made up her mind that she is going to do it and I am vehemently against it.
They haven’t gone through with anything yet and I have voiced that I’m against this to my wife a few times but she’s brushed me off each time and the last time said ‘you have no say in this matter it’s my body and if I choose to help my sister I will and you just have to suck it up’
After that I laid myself bare for her. I told her if she goes through with this I will not support her, I will not offer sympathy when she’s crying feeling fat and ugly, I will not be leaving at 12 midnight to go to the petrol station to get her something she might be craving.
I said I would not clean up her sick or other fluids during and I would not be her birthing partner. She was crying by the end and tried to bring up the ‘in sickness’ part of our vows but this isn’t sickness because as she said it’s her choice to help her sister.
I’m standing firm on this but she’s locked me out our bedroom and is ingoring me, I just can’t help but feel lied to as I said I’m too selfish to deal with pregnancy and kids and she knew that and she’s disregarded all that because her sister can’t have kids but AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
In most places they don't let women who have never had a child be a surrogate so it may be a moot point.
It doesn't sound to me like they are going through an agency. It sounds like the sisters are just doing it between the two of them on their own.
NTA.
"And the last time said ‘you have no say in this matter it’s my body and if I choose to help my sister I will and you just have to suck it up’".
So it's perfectly fine for her to make a decision against your will. But when you do the same, she locks you out of the bedroom? What a load of BS. And how are you actually accepting her behaving like this towards you?
I’ve seen the same issue posted before, and my favorite comment was that the couple that will be raising the child should be the ones that will do all of those pregnancy-related support activities you mentioned.
You're not so much the AH for being upset this is a big life choice that involves both of you, particularly since you both agreed on a childless existence. But how you went about it denying all help and making it punitive was cruel. She's doing something altruistic for family, and even if you don't agree, empathy counts. You're both hurt, and this requires honest communication, not threats.
While she is right that it’s her body her choice thing, but also it’s selfish and dismissive of you. If she wants to make this huge decision for both of you, she does so knowing she is doing it alone. I don’t like the “you have to suck it up” nonsense statement from her. I’d be using that the next 9 months, every effing day.
She complains about being pregnant and id throw the “I’m pretty sure the advice here was ‘suck it up’, right?” She is being selfish and putting her sister before you. It’s not like she is the only viable womb that can carry this baby.
Also, not sure of your country - but in most (all?) first world countries you can’t be a surrogate without first having successfully given birth anyways. So your wife likely can’t do this at all in the first place. Has wife/sister-in-law actually done any research here, or is this just a half-baked uninformed decision?
Um do you pay half the mortgage??? Go back to your bedroom and sleep. She doesn’t get to run the show. Also be prepared for a baby trap.
Your wife agreeing to this over your objections show that you are not foremost in her considerations and she does not consider her vows to hold you above all others as anything other than empty words.
ESH. You are behaving like an ass, but not for feeling the way you do. Instead for being rude to your wife about it. And she’s just as awful to tell you there is no say from you. There is because while it effects her more, it will effect your life too.
This isn’t a child you will be raising, so your like or dislike of raising children really doesn’t apply to the situation. And while I understand it will affect your wife’s ability to travel for a bit and therefore yours too, is that really the issue? You two need to talk about this. Don’t throw demands or insults at each other. Have a conversation like adults.
If you can’t do that, I don’t think she’s in any position to carry a child because she’s behaving like one. And you’re in no position to be a husband because you care more about what you want and what your life looks like than finding out why this is so important to your wife.