'AITA for telling my wife not to come to my ex-wife's funeral to support my daughter because my daughter doesn't want her there?'
"AITA for telling my wife not to come to my ex-wife's funeral to support my daughter because my daughter doesn't want her there?"
My ex-wife died a couple of days ago. We shared a daughter (14) together. Our divorce was not on the best of terms. We were both at fault. Nobody cheated. But we weren't the best spouses to each other.
For a long time we both tried to put our daughter first. But after I remarried things did change. My ex alienated our daughter against my wife. I did what I could to stop it and I made sure I tried to counteract what my ex was doing.
I did fight my ex in court over it. But my ex did successfully alienate our daughter against my wife. This was 4 years ago. My wife was pregnant at the time so it was stressful when we realized what was happening and my wife and daughter do not have a close or healthy relationship.
My daughter shuts my wife out because of what her mom has said. She has at times been rude to my wife and I have stepped in to tell her she cannot be like that. I told her I can't make her like, love or be close to my wife but she must be respectful. The rudeness was never a big problem but the rejection of a relationship has remained consistent.
Now my ex-wife is dead and my daughter's grieving. My daughter has stated clearly she does not want my wife or my son (3.5) there. My wife wants to go to the funeral. She said my daughter will always remember her not being there for her and keeping her brother away from supporting her if we listen.
She said at the very least she must be there. That maybe our son is too young. But as her stepmom if she doesn't show up and show she loves her things will never get better.
My daughter screamed at the top of her lungs yesterday because she heard my wife say she wants to come and support my daughter. My daughter stated it very aggressively and in a state of raw grief that my wife will not be a comfort because she hated her mom and nobody wants her there.
I told my wife not to come. I said I will be there. And I know my daughter has mixed feelings about me being there but she ultimately wants me there. My wife expressed that she worried it was a big risk and my daughter would remember it as her not being supportive later.
And I said potentially it could. But it could also show my daughter that she's willing to respect her boundaries. That she's not trying to take her mom's place. I told my wife it will be more difficult now because my daughter's mom is dead and it can be hard to see the flaws in people's actions when we lose them too soon and I feel deep down that if she shows up my daughter will turn against her more.
My daughter sought the advice of the family therapist we have visited over the years and the therapist agreed with me. But my wife was upset. She told me she wanted my support and that she felt like I was encouraging her to not be a good stepmom. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Your daughter made her choice clear. You and your wife need to respect that. If the therapist supports that, then there's nothing further to discuss. I say this as a stepmom whose stepson's bio-mom passed away.
NTA, your daughter is grieving and unfortunately your wife being there will not help her in that. She can be a good stepmom by respecting her stepdaughter in this time. Forcing her presence at such an emotionally charged time is just going to drive the wedge that exists further in. If your wife can step back for a bit your daughter might be able to gradually build a respectful relationship with her.
Why does your current wife want to be there in the first place? It's a room full of the ex's friends and family grieving. I wouldn't want her there either. What the ex said is irrelevant daughter doesn't want current wife to go respect that or damage your relationship with her.
Upstairs_Use_6837 (OP)
She wants to go so she can show visible support to my daughter. So my daughter knows she is always there. But I feel like it won't be viewed that way by my daughter even if that's my wife's intention.
Your daughter doesn't want her there. What your wife wants is irrelevant too. Your daughter doesn't see it as support she sees a woman forcing her way into the daughters life which is exactly what you're wife is doing. Your wife doesn't care about your daughter she cares about her image. There would no other reason why your wife is pushing so hard to be somewhere where she should not be.
NTA. Your daughter has clearly stated she doesn't want your wife there. Funny that your wife is trying to downplay the fact that your daughter will always remember that your wife didn't respect what she wanted at her mother's funeral. Her insistence is the exact opposite of 'being a good stepmom', it's pushing her own agenda on your daughter.
NTA but I hate your wife just by this post.
Your wife : me me me me me me me me me me me
That's it. Your daughter said no. It's a complete answer, she is putting more stress to your daughter while she is grieving just because she is mad that she can't come to the funeral of someone she did not like!!
Your wife has serious boundaries and control issues. Your daughter does not like her stop forcing it. And tell your wife to stay at her place your daughter is suffering enough !! Be a dad.
Your wife has main character syndrome. It’s disgusting she’s trying to insert herself into an event that has absolutely nothing to do with her. She needs to back off and get over herself.
Your wife needs to stop pushing her agenda. She’s ignoring your daughter’s clear wishes in this matter and thinks pushing herself forward where she's not wanted will create some kind of positive optics for her. That’s about the most selfish, self serving stance a person can take at a grieving child’s mom’s funeral as to be despicable. Shut your wife down hard.
She has no business being there and if this is her attitude I find it hard to believe that your ex was the sole cause of the alleged alienation. It’s your job to support your daughter so step up and make it clear to your wife that she is not your attend under any circumstances or there will be consequences. NTA but you will be if you don’t take control of this and let your daughter grieve in peace.