'AITA for ruining Thanksgiving after my MIL told everyone about my miscarriages?'
"AITA for ruining Thanksgiving after my MIL told everyone about my miscarriages?"
32F. I spent Thanksgiving with my in-laws and it was one of the most upsetting days of my life. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for around three years. Last year, I got pregnant and miscarried twice. It was devastating and my greatest fear is that I’ll never be able to have a child with my husband.
In October, I found out I was pregnant for the third time. We were thrilled, but also cautious because of my history with miscarriages. Originally, the plan was to keep it between us until I made it to the second trimester.
Unfortunately, I have a well-intention yet nosy mother-in-law. We were at dinner one night with my in-laws, and my MIL noticed I wasn’t drinking. My MIL asked if I was pregnant, and I’m horrible at hiding my emotions, so my reaction to her question gave it away.
I admitted that I was pregnant, but explained that we’re very cautious and want to keep it private until I make it to the second trimester. My FIL and MIL said they understood and agreed to keep it between us.
Sadly, I miscarried around a week ago and I was crushed. It’s been terrible, but I’m trying to stay busy to keep my mind off it. Initially, I wanted to skip Thanksgiving, but I wanted my husband to see his family and I thought it might lift my spirits to be surrounded by loved ones.
I wanted to tell my MIL about the miscarriage in person since it felt strange talking to her about it over the phone, but she wasn’t free to see me this week. My plan was to talk to her the day after Thanksgiving when we could have a moment alone.
Almost immediately after we arrived at my in-law’s house, my MIL’s sister hugged me and congratulated me on the pregnancy. I was shocked, since my MIL agreed not to tell anyone. I considered saying thank you to not draw attention to myself and put a damper on the night, but I couldn’t hide my emotions, and told her I miscarried.
She hugged me and apologized for my loss. A few minutes later, my SIL came over to us and congratulated me. I started tearing up as I explained for the second time that I miscarried. They were both kind, but I was very emotional and frustrated, since my in-laws agreed to keep it private, and this was the exact situation I was seeking to avoid.
A few minutes after I spoke to my SIL, my MIL pulled me to the side and asked why I didn’t tell her about the miscarriage. She said it hurt having to hear the news from her older sister instead of from me directly. I said that I wanted to tell her in person, and was planning on telling her in the morning when we had a moment to ourselves.
I said I wasn’t expecting to be confronted about the pregnancy since she agreed to keep it private. My MIL said she only told her sister and daughter, which was to be expected in the situation since she was so excited. I was furious, but didn’t have the energy to argue about it, so I said we should talk about it later and enjoy the holiday. I left my MIL and went to socialize with the other relatives.
When it was time to eat, my MIL stood up to give the blessing. She started to talk, but then got emotional and began to cry. She asked the family to keep me in their thoughts and prayers since I recently miscarried.
She added that I’ve miscarried twice before and it’s been an emotional experience for everyone. I’d only told my MIL and FIL about the previous miscarriages, so she was once again broadcasting my personal medical information.
My MIL started talking directly to me and said she knows I’ll get through this and that I’ll make an amazing mom some day. I couldn’t control my emotions and started sobbing in front of the entire family. I was crying so hard that I was practically choking on my tears and I couldn’t catch my breath.
My husband was furious and asked his mom why she thought it was appropriate to tell people about my pregnancy and miscarriages. My MIL responding by saying she loves us so much and was just very excited to be a grandma.
With respect to the miscarries, she said we deserve the family love and support during this difficult time. My husband announced we were leaving and we left before the turkey was even served.
I cried myself to sleep and woke up feeling horrible. This morning, my MIL showed up at my house unannounced. She said she wanted to talk to us about what happened. My husband was still fuming, and I told him to let me speak to his mom privately to avoid another fight.
I was still upset about what happened, but I wanted to make peace and was willing to accept her apology since the situation has been hard on everyone.
My MIL and I sat down together, and instead of apologizing, she lectured me about how I should have told her about the miscarriage before sharing the news with other relatives. She said it was hard to hear the news from her sister when she was looking forward to a happy Thanksgiving.
She was also upset that I dropped this horrible news at dinner and that I should have found a way to tell her before the holiday, even if it was over the phone. She also said that if I was still so emotional over the miscarriage, I shouldn’t have come to Thanksgiving and risked upsetting all the guests.
She said she knows I’m going through a lot and forgives me, but she wanted to be honest about her feelings.
I was floored. I told my MIL that I may have made some mistakes, but all of this could have been avoided if she had followed through on her promise to keep the pregnancy private. I said she owed both my husband and myself an apology.
My MIL asked if I would also apologize for making a scene at Thanksgiving. I didn’t think I owed her an apology under the circumstances, and I expressed that clearly. She left in tears and said I was lashing out because of the traumatic pregnancies.
My husband said I shouldn’t apologize and also cancelled our Christmas plans with his family. While I think my MIL behaved poorly, part of me wants to apologize to defuse the situation. I also know that this has been challenging for my MIL as well and we don’t always react perfectly in these situations. I also feel badly that I let my emotions get the better of me and put a damper on the evening.
AITA for how I handled the situation and for refusing to apologize when my MIL visited our home?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Holy s*&^. Nta. Take the time you need to heal.
Thanks so much… it will take time but I’ll get there.
Please do not go to Christmas dinner. Your MIL disrespected and dismissed your privacy and feelings. I AM FUMING from reading this story and honestly, it sounds like your MIL doesn’t like you.
What she did was cruel and humiliating. You do not need to keep the peace with anyone who disrespects you. And don’t you DARE apologize to that woman, you did nothing wrong. BTW - your husband rocks!
-NTA
She broke your trust.
She shared your medical situation with other without your consent
She announced the miscarriage in the middle of a holiday, without your permission.
She blamed you for her mistakes.
She blamed you for your very valid reaction.
She made herself a victim, when she f&^%d up over and over.
She gaslighted you.
You deserve better. This isn't about your pregnancy, this isn't about your hormones, this isn't your fault.
The only person that is responsable for your MIL actions, it's your MIL. She chose her actions. And she chose to keep blaming you. She chose to disclose your privacy in front of everyone. She chose and keeps choosing to disrespect you.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful response and reassurances… I needed to hear this.
Miscarriages are personal and often traumatic experiences. The decision of when and how to share that information with others rests solely with the person who has experienced the loss.