'AITA for threatening to divorce my husband if he doesn’t tell his parents we are married?' UPDATED
"AITA for threatening to divorce my husband if he doesn’t tell his parents we are married?"
You read that right- my (22F) husband (22M) and I have been married for 3 years now. To sum it up, we were both young, dumb, and going to enlist in the military to get out of our small town so we eloped to the courthouse. We were both gonna keep it a secret at first and reap the benefits from the military, see how our relationship went, and go from there.
Ended up not enlisting in the military so I told my parents we eloped a few months after. He never told his parents and I’ve been asking him to tell them. They didn’t have a good relationship when we got married and that is why he didn’t tell them.
I gave him an ultimatum this past week that he has to tell them by the end of the week or I’m divorcing him because he’s crossing a boundary I have discussed with him multiple times over the past year. I am uncomfortable with them not knowing and I honestly feel like he’s not mature enough to be in a marriage if he can’t man up to tell them.
He said he’s scared to hurt them and I countered that he needs to get it over with, that he’s also hurting me. His parents love me by the way and I’m ve been tempted to tell them myself but he always stops me.
Well, I gave him the ultimatum and he immediately became defensive, told me that if I didn’t want to be married to him that he would return the wedding set he just upgraded for me. He told me I was being an AH for pressuring him when he wasn’t ready. I told him that I wasn’t saying that at all, I’m just tired of him not being an adult which makes me question our relationship.
I love him but it’s screaming red flags and I know I’m young enough that it won’t ruin my life if we divorce. My parents have a big issue with him keeping it a secret too and have brought it up to him.
The reason I haven’t already went home is because I live on the other side of the country away from both of our families and we have pets. However, he knows if he does not tell them by this Sunday that I will be making plans to move once my summer semester ends. So, AITA or threatening to divorce my husband because he won’t tell his parents we are married?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Last_Friend_6350 said:
I love that he says you’re pressuring him and it’s 3 years on! It might have got to the point that he’s left it so long that he feels it’s super weird now to say, ‘Mum and Dad we got married 3 years ago’ but that’s all on him. NTA.
bawtatron2000 said:
So NTA. Your husband needs to be an adult and tell his mommy and daddy he got hitched.
Actual-Clue-3165 said:
Nta You're not pressuring him into marriage, I don't see why it's such a big deal for him to tell his parents when he's had 3 years to sit on it.
Ashamed_Prune_9500 said:
NTA. Hubby and I married at the court house on day 6 of knowing each other. He was happy and proud. I had a little bit of shame because of how fast. Married 11 years now. Do you think he might have some shame? No disrespect. Or is he ashamed for not having a big wedding to please his family?
Super-Staff3820 said:
NTA. It’s icky to feel like his secret. If he doesn’t tell them by Sunday id probably get the divorce papers ready and announce the marriage and the divorce all at once to his parents.
opensilkrobe said:
NTA, but and I both know that he’s not going to do it. I’m petty af - after he doesn’t tell them, I would do the honors myself, and send a pic of your marriage certificate.
UPDATE:
I will begin with the update and then provide clarifications. I told his parents today and they confirmed that they have known since 2021. They had a hunch and found the marriage license/deed online. They have been waiting for us to tell them and were just wanting a valid reason. No, my husband, did NOT tell them. I told them.
Our relationship is up in the air right now. Both of our parents know what is going on and we are trying to figure out how to move forward whether that be attending therapy together, one of us moving back to NC, or both of us moving back home. We are actively communicating on our future and whether that future will be together or not.
Here are some clarifications:
No, we did NOT enlist. Yes, we were in love. We decided to enlist 6 months into our relationship and felt there was no point in waiting to get hitched because we could benefit from it as well. It wasn’t like the movie Purple Hearts lol!
We were in a relationship before enlisting and thought it would get us out of our small town quickly. His mother struggles with addiction, his father was an alcoholic, and his stepmom raised him. He and his stepmom have always been extremely close.
His father did not beat him, he was just absent because if he wasn’t working, he was drinking. Their relationship was bad in terms of not communicating with each other and his dad emotionally neglecting him by not being there. They communicate a lot better now and on a daily basis, we spend the holidays with them all the time and they call often.
They made up. To add to this, both of my parents were addicts which is why I went into foster care and was adopted by my now parents who I refer to in my last post as knowing. I completely understand the struggles and complications of addiction. My main issue is his lack of communicating in general.
I understand now that an ultimatum is not the best way to go about things when you want to make the relationship work. I let my emotions control me and gave him a harsh ultimatum. I am not sure if it will work out though. This is the hardest thing I’ve dealt with in my mere 22 years lol.
Both of our parents are supportive if we choose to stay together or separate, they want us to make it work but there are no hard feelings if it doesn’t. They are offering as much support as possible. My main issue is I’m still the only one communicating which is why I’m hesitant to continue the relationship even though I love him. I did come off as pressuring and I realize that now.
One reason I am having a rough time trusting him is due to finding out he was messaging OF models over the course of the past year and his reasoning was “we were having problems” which I wasn’t aware of.
I didn’t want to include it in the last post because I didn’t want to seem like a complete idiot and make it fair on his image since he isn’t on Reddit to give his side of the story.
No, he doesn’t know about the post because he broke his phone during our argument yesterday (no, I wasn’t yelling or cussing, neither was he). Here’s to hoping it works out as it needs to. I’m sorry for any grammar mistakes, I’m pretty torn up right now
Here's what people had to say about this update:
Loose-Chemical-4982 said:
I'm sorry sweetheart he is definitely not ready to be married if he's been messaging OF models. That could be why he didn't want to tell his parents he is married to you. He's been hiding a lot of things and that does not bode well for a happy future.
I understand that you love him but you need to love yourself more. Can you bear years of this non-communicative behavior, only to end up in a worse situation than you are now?
There's too many red flags here. Running away with someone else to escape a bad upbringing is understandable because you need support, but if he's continuing the pattern with you, you'll be worse off in the long run. I believe in you! You don't need him to break away and make a better life for yourself. Build yourself a good support system and don't look back.
Castelessness said:
Too many red flags here. One that stands out: somehow you've been convinced that you've done something wrong here. I think your ultimatum was extremely appropriate.
FairyFartDaydreams said:
NTA But lets be clear he is cheating and destructive and you honestly want to save the marriage? I consider the OFs thing cheating because he claims your relationship was in trouble when you clearly had no idea that is was.
ConsistentCheesecake said:
“One reason I am having a rough time trusting him is due to finding out he was messaging OF models over the course of the past year and his reasoning was “we were having problems” which I wasn’t aware of." Yuck. You’re wasting your time here.