'AITA for telling my dad’s GF the house she lives in is 0% hers and to expect nothing?'
"AITA for telling my dad’s GF the house she lives in is 0% hers and to expect nothing?"
5+ years ago I (41) used my 401k to put a down payment on a house for my dad (69) and his longtime gf (73). I am co-owner with him. She pays 400$/mo. They’re poor and on fixed incomes. I grew up poor but have good job. Dad was a good dad. She has always been incredibly negative full of complaints and obvs has huge unhealed childhood trauma.
They are aging poorly. I wanted to look at selling their house and buying a large multi generational home this year. Dad told me she was freaking out and I said she can keep freaking out.
She apparently thought I was selling their house and leaving them homeless and buying myself a house, and yelled at me through the phone i could freak out cause “she wasn’t going anywhere”, and after the call made comments about how much rent she has paid and how she deserves something and threatened my dad with or I’ll get a lawyer.
I was absolutely devastated she would even think I would do that. I have been quite generous, always fair and forward. Paid the water bill at almost 200/mo. Buy a pallet of pellets each winter. Got them new kitchen appliances a few years ago. When she realized she had the wrong end of the stick she tried to pretend like it didn’t happen. No apology, just try to sweep it under the rug. I couldn’t let it fly.
I realized there was no way I could now share a roof with this person. I gave it month and then sent her an email explaining I owe her nothing.
That's not how rent works, she has no say in the sale or share in the proceeds, and she should reconcile with her own child (local, al%$^olic, also poor) so if my father passes first she will have some support, because I will not support her in any way including rent the house to her.
That she will never be welcome to share my roof after this and there will be no further offer of a multi generational home. And that im not comfortable paying the water bill any longer bc it’s in her name and also I just bought my dad a truck for 5k (in my name) im now paying insurance and maintenance on it.
She called when she got the email and tried to pretend half of it never happened, that she never insinuated it would take 20k to make her go away. My dad chimed in and she caved. Then we had it wrong. That she didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t believe her and she called me evil.
Then it was dad’s fault for not giving her enough detail and that’s why she flew off the handle. I told her it didn’t matter and have a nice life.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
It sounds like they had reason to believe you would strand them or at least her. You don't seem to like her much and you apparently didn't make it clear what your plans were. You can see how they would be nervous and feel at your whim.
OwlOOIis OP:
A long in person conversation with my father alone happened days before the call where she freaked out he was not under the same impression as her at all. He was on board after we addressed issues of compromise like location. At that point I did make sure to verify with him that he wanted to continue to live with her.
She’s 73, has limited income, and is afraid of being homeless. She panicked. Can’t you sit down and talk this out like … and I know I’m commenting online, but I’m gonna suggest it anyway… adults?
OwlOOIis OP:
I feel like a month sitting on it with her answering the phone a few times and just la de da like it never happened gave her all the opportunity to talk. I answered when she called after reading it. She still had zero apology and zero ownership. What would a 3rd chance to talk like adults look like do you think? I really just don’t think she’s capable of it honestly.
YTA. You didn't communicate with her and made a 73 year old think she faced being homeless. It all stemmed from that.
OwlOOIis OP:
I didn’t find out until later that’s what she had even thought. If she had said on the phone “where are we going to live?” “We’ll be homeless” or anything like that I would have immediately corrected her.
She jumped straight to “I’m not going ANYWHERE”. Which made more sense after I found out what she was thinking. Why is my fault she was super wrong and assumed I’m horrible? Was it wrong to let my dad be the one to discuss it with her?
Sounds like you tried to talk your elderly dad into abandoning his long term elderly partner and he told her about it which caused her to freak out in fear of becoming homeless. But hey if you find it morally acceptable to throw your dads long term partner to the streets if he dies because she had a meltdown over fear of abandonment then I guess that’s your call.
OwlOOIis OP:
Well I definitely didn’t try to talk him into it and I doubt very much he told her it came up. They owned property and a business together before and went bankrupt. This woman has never done anything to attempt to be close to me. The point of buying the house was specifically 3 fold. To get them to a better more affordable climate.
To lock in a mortgage they could afford just the two of them on fixed incomes. For my dad to be able to leave me something since he otherwise has nothing. She can start planning now and she’ll still get 90 days when the time comes.
She said what she said out of fear that you intended to make her homeless in her old age because you don’t like her. Now you’re confirming that she was exactly right about you and your intentions.
She knows now, too, that your father can’t be considered a reliable partner anymore, so I wonder how much longer their relationship will last. Not long, I’m guessing. That would be a big bonus for you, though, wouldn’t it? Almost the point of this whole saga, I’ll bet.
OwlOOIis OP:
I can’t imagine my dad has been considered reliable for sometime now. All they do is complain about each other. It’s been that way the 5 years they have lived out here for sure. Part of the reason i was even thinking of a multigen home for us at all is because of house much she’d been complaining that my dad can’t do various things the prior 6-8 months.
Not that he won’t or they don’t agree- he can’t. They are 2+ hours away. Her kid is local. I would be shocked if they split unless she thought she found someone else and frankly she could probably do better.
It’s not that I don’t like her or she’s a terrible person she’s just got endlessly unpleasant input at almost every interaction. My empathy ran out not at the moment she thought I would do that to her. But the moment she attempted to go away for 20k.
Why are you doing this? No way in hell I’d get into these kinds of financial arrangements with family. I wish you luck
OwlOOIis OP:
My dad was a construction laborer. Broke his body to make ends meet for the fam and have my mom stay home Trailer on a dead end dirt road. 10 year old cars. Mom drank herself to death at 49 after dealing with my brother for 10 years.
Brother is paranoid schizophrenic homeless guy. Dad is all I have. Never married, no kids. He’s got a chronic form of cancer but he’s made of fortitude. Yes I’m in therapy. Yes we’ve talked about this, it’s so much.