'AITA for telling my son that I'm not his biological father after my wife cheated?'
"AITA for telling my son that I'm not his biological father after my wife cheated?"
I (37M) have been married to my wife (36F) for 10 years. When I started dating her, she was a single mom as her ex had fled the state after she got pregnant.
My wife never wanted to tell our son that I was not his biological father. She wanted to wait until he was an adult in his 20s, and we decided on that when we married. My son is 14 years old now.
I found out last week from one of my friends that was my wife was having an affair. I confronted my wife about it, she initially denied it, but after I told her I had physical proof (I lied), she admitted to it. I asked her how long, and she said a few months.
I then immediately went to my son and told him about the affair. I also told him I was not his biological father, and that my wife has a tendency to go for these terrible men, and that I made a mistake marrying her.
My son was shocked and asked my wife if what I said was the truth. My wife said yes. My son then came over and hugged me and was crying, and I told him I will always consider him my son.
I am now looking for a divorce lawyer, and my son has completely ignored his mom over the past week. She has tried to communicate with him many times but he has ignored her every time.
To be honest, I think it will really help me in the custody arrangements during the divorce as my son's preference will be taken into account. My son just wants nothing to do with his mom right now. However, I do sometimes feel a bit guilty about it, but I then remember that I am the one who is the victim. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
You didn't mention whether you adopted him or not. If you did not legally adopt your son, then there is no custody.
ExactTricks OP responded:
Yes, after marriage, I did legally adopt him. Even then, I know the courts usually favor the mother when it comes to these custody arrangements. But I'm hoping my son's really strong stance on his mother will give me a favorable custody arrangement. If it were up to my son, he would rather have just live with me and have nothing to do with his mom.
YTA. You pulled an innocent kid into your adult problems. You f^%$#d up his whole world just to spite his Mom. You're honestly a s%$##ty person.
he deserves to know
Please make sure to talk with your son to tell him none of this is his fault and would be a good time to tell him know how much you love him.
ExactTricks OP responded:
Yes for sure, I have been doing that a lot over the past week and will continue to do that. To be honest, we were always close, but we have somehow gotten even closer over the past week. He is also self assured, he knows it is not his fault and it is his mom's fault, and he has a steely determination on wanting nothing to do with her.
Maybe you got closer because you're bonding over mutual hatred of his mother. I'm not going to question your affection for him, as I'm certain you love and care for him. But what you did was morally bankrupt.
Your wife is a lousy cheater, yes. But you didn't simply inform him he isn't your biological son. You didn't just inform him of the affair. You told him things to get him to hate his mother.
NTA and that is proven by: 1. the kid, knowing you are not his biological father, still rather be with you than his mother. 2. you are not neglecting any of the duties you have as his father.
Yes, telling him the truth might be seen as a AH move to spite your SBTX, but to be honest, best he hear the truth from you than some twisted lie she might come up with to try to turn him against you and justify to him her affair.