'AITA for telling my wife the day before our daughter’s graduation that I'll be divorcing her?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my wife the day before our daughter’s graduation that I'll be divorcing her?"
My wife and I have been married for 20 years and we have a daughter who’s 18. She graduated high school a few months ago.
Around 6 years ago, I found out that my wife was cheating on me and having an affair which lasted for a couple of months. I really wanted to divorce, but my wife was really remorseful, she quit her job, she started going to therapy, she promised all reconciliation steps I asked for. Ultimately I did decide to stay with my wife for her sake and for our family’s sake too.
For around 5 years, everything was actually going great, and we had date nights, romantic vacations, and we really loved each other. However, on the 6th year, the whole thing resurfaced back on my mind, and I just couldn’t get my mind off it. I finally made my decision after a particular line from my sister struck a cord with me.
She said would you really want use the gift of life and spend it with someone who had betrayed you so badly? She told me this a couple of days before my daughter’s graduation and that’s when I finally decided I couldn’t do it anymore.
A day before my daughter’s graduation, I informed my wife of my decision and told her that I would be filing for divorce soon. My wife was shocked, and she cried a lot and told me she would do anything but I told her that my decision was final. My daughter’s graduation in itself was great, and I was really proud of my daughter.
And my wife seemed happy too, but my daughter could sense something was wrong and asked me why her mom seemed down and trying to fake a smile. I told her not to worry about it and to just enjoy the day.
The next day however, I told my daughter I would be filing for divorce, and my daughter seemed shocked. She said how I could do this to her mom before graduation and that’s why her mom couldn’t enjoy the graduation. I told her it’s none of her business, but we’ll both always love her regardless. My wife and I are now going through divorce proceedings. AITA?
Here were people's initial reactions:
get it's tough, but the timing was terrible. Your daughter deserves joyful memories, not family chaos on her graduation day. She’ll remember this forever.
YTA. You could have waited a few days. Also if you were happy, why did you let that line from your sister affect you so much? Are you easily influenced by others? Is the appearance of having always had a perfect marriage so important to you? Isn’t the point to get a deeper and deeper understanding of the other person and ourselves?
WillingActs OP responded:
It wasn't just that line, and it wasn't a spur of the moment thing. I was dwelling on it for the past year or so and talking it out with my sis. She told me that it was finally time I put myself first, and that I deserved to be with someone who would unconditionally love me, someone who would be there for me through thick and thin, and someone who would never betray me.
I would have waited a bit after her graduation, since you already waited so long. Her graduation was marred due to her mom having to fake joy (your daughter clearly picked up on it). Now, she finds out the day after, further marring her memory of that day. You’re not the asshole for deciding on a divorce but your timing was a bit “a$#holish.”
WillingActs OP responded:
I just wanted to be honest and transparent with my wife once I made the decision. I was also able to enjoy my daughters graduation, and a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. My daughter's graduation day was the proudest day of my life.
Wait…. OP has found a girlfriend and is doing the very thing he’s leaving her for now. With the benefit of zero child support.
But with ALL the alimony which in many cases adds up to more than child support . The divorce could have been amicable if he walked away at the point of the affair. The courts would have even swayed in his favor. Now he has a bitter ex and daughter on his hands. This won’t end well for him.
WillingActs OP responded:
No, not really, I'm not even looking to date right now.
Are you having a mid life crisis? You FORGAVE her! You waited 6 years? Did a young chick make it so these memories resurfaced? And then you made the graduation about the divorce!! Your daughter will forever remember that! Yes, YTA
WillingActs OP responded:
My daughter did have a really good time, and the graduation party was great too. We took lots of pictures, and I'm sure she will remember the day fondly.
The next day however, I told my daughter about the divorce because she kept asking me about why her mom seemed so down. I did not really want to break the news to her so soon after graduation, but I really had no choice because she wanted to know the truth.
My daughter of course was really sad about hearing it, and she even broke down in tears, but divorce is just a part of life, and both me and her mom still love her. She is at college now, and I'm sure she'll get over it soon.
And I don't really have a mid life crisis or some other woman. I'm not even looking to date, at least for the next few years. My focus is on myself, and my family of origin.
4 days later OP came back with this update:
My daughter called me last night and told me she came across the post I had posted, and after reading my comments, she asked how I could be so cruel to her mom. She then told me she was going to temporarily go low contact with me.
I did tell her I know she’s going through a lot and I’ll always be there for her but I’ll respect her decision to go low contact. So that’s not really the best news but life does move on.
Here's how people reacted to OP's update:
This is Exhibit A in how not to handle this situation. You successfully made your cheating wife the victim and gave your daughter every reason to hate you.
I made a similar comment on the original post. If he can’t get past the cheating the he should divorce his wife but waiting until right before his daughter’s graduation was not the time to let his wife know.
At least you’re giving her a graduation gift she’ll never forget: the art of dodging awkward family dinners!
NTA, for wanting a divorce but YTA, for your timing you pick the worst time to say something maybe you should have waited a few days after the graduation for you said something
I'm wondering if maybe he was kinda hoping daughter would go no contact. He wants out of this situation - primarily from his wife, but if he can escape being a dad too, that's just a bonus.
You need therapy dude. You are so indifferent to your wife’s and daughter’s feelings to a scary point. Your actions and words SCREAMS narcissism. Too wrapped up in your own happiness and benefits. Don’t get me wrong. You are entitled to your own happiness but you really didn’t have to achieve it through your loved ones destruction
I feel sorry for the people who are still around you. They will get a hell of a selfish person, who wouldn’t hesitate to step over them to get to his “happiness” and all you get to say to them is “well, that’s non of your business and life moves on.”
We've an idiom in hindi, translatef to "Strike your own foot with an axe" And if op ain't the biggest example like created a problem out of nowhere.
In English, it's "hoisted by his own petard" ...from Shakespeare
Back then, you could attack your enemies castle by blowing up the castle gates...so some lucky soul got the job of running up to the gate (dodging arrows, hot oil etc) and planting a bomb, to destroy the gates.
If the fuse was too long, solders from the castle would pop out and push it away ...if it was too short, you risked getting blown up by your own bomb. Hoisted, lifted, by your own petard, the old name (from the French) for a castle gate bomb. basically the same idea as the Hindi axe, foot thing.
I didn't expect to learn something in this update haha. Thanks! Definitely a better fit for this situation than "cut off your nose to spite your face."