Fiancé’s debt and dishonesty shatter woman’s hope of engagement 'do-over.' AITA?
"TIFU by trying to reconcile with my fiancé after breaking off our engagement."
So, a little backstory, a while ago, I (28F) gave back my engagement ring to my fiancé, Merl (30M), after finding out he had been lying about our finances while planning our wedding.
Long story short, he’d borrowed a significant amount of money from his parents without telling me and lied about improving his credit score. At the time, I felt like trust was broken and needed space to figure things out.
Fast forward a few weeks, Merl and I have been talking and trying to work things out. He apologized and promised to be honest and transparent moving forward. I still love him, and I wanted to believe he could change, so we decided to take things slow and work on rebuilding our trust.
Things seemed to be going okay...until last night. I was at his apartment, and we were having a nice dinner when his phone buzzed with a notification from a finance app. Out of habit, I glanced at it, and the notification said something about a declined credit card payment.
It caught my attention because Merl had sworn he was tackling his debt and managing things better. When I asked him about it, he got defensive and tried to brush it off, saying it was just a small mix-up. But something didn’t sit right with me, so I pressed him a little more.
That’s when he admitted he hadn’t actually been making payments on his debt like he’d promised. Instead, he’d been using the money he got from his parents to cover some other emergencies and was now deeper in debt than before.
I just... lost it. Not in an angry, screaming way, but in that defeated, I can’t do this anymore kind of way. I told him I couldn’t keep putting my faith in someone who constantly breaks my trust. He tried to say he’s still figuring things out and asked me to just stick with him, but at this point, I don’t even know what I’d be sticking around for.
Now I’m back at square one, feeling like I wasted weeks trying to repair something that might just be fundamentally broken. I feel stupid for giving him another chance and letting myself believe he’d change so quickly.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
You are dodging a bullet. Congrats on figuring it out before actually getting married.
jaejasminee (OP)
Thanks, you’re probably right. It sucks to accept, but I think I needed to see this pattern for myself to finally let go. Better to face the truth now than live in denial and have it blow up later. At least I’m walking away with some lessons learned (and no shared bank account) 🙃
He screwed up and had to be on his best behavior. He not only didn't do it, but lied about it, repeatedly, after getting caught. Think about your future. You would never be comfortable or relax around someone like that.
Seriously dodged a bullet, not a mistake at all. Tough going through now this but he will not change. Better to find out now than 6 months or a couple years after you’re married and suddenly your credit is ruined because of him. My wife’s sister went through bankruptcy years ago because of her fiscally irresponsible dead beat first husband. She suffered from that years after getting rid of him.
Now you know this is pattern and not just a one time mistake. Walk away and forget this guy.
I can’t say right or wrong here, but this is what I can offer. It sounds like you have never been in real financial trouble before. I have. Took me a long time to figure out what I did wrong and fix it. Being a man and admitting we are struggling is A MASSIVE hill to climb. I didn’t share my financial details with anyone in those days. I dated, but wasn’t serious so there thankfully wasn’t a need to be that open.
There is no excuse for lying about anything. That’s 100% on him. My thinking is, just because he’s still in debt and seems to be sinking deeper does not mean he isn’t trying.
He likely doesn’t know where to go, what to do, and this damn male ego we are cursed with won’t let him just admit any of that. You’re probably not wrong in ending things. I hope for him it is the wake up call to get his shit in order. These things matter, and you are right to use it as criteria for life partner.
Nope, you are extremely lucky that he showed you the truth before you got married. He isn't financially responsible, and faced with doing something difficult, he lies. That's a character flaw, not a mistake, and not likely to change at the age of 30. Count your blessings and walk.
Let me get this straight, the person you have loved enough to want to spend the rest of your life with is having financial trouble and your first instinct is to cut and run? Not to support and try to help?
I get he lied but you literally broke off an engagement over finances, he was probably dealing with his own shame and finds it very difficult to talk about, let alone scared you would leave him again if he was honest.
People aren't perfect, just because someone has trouble with finances does not make them a bad person. OP if finances are a deal breaker for you and your not willing to roll up your sleeves to help so be it, you would probably be happier elsewhere.
If trust is the issue and this is literally the only thing that has ever broken your trust please think about that. Men have trouble opening up when they are in financial trouble, makes them feel like less of a man. More than likely support from someone he loves telling him it's not the end of the world is exactly what he needs.