'AITA for 'ruining' my mum's engagement party after she abandoned me when I was 11?'
"AITA for 'ruining' my mum's engagement party after she abandoned me when I was 11?"
UnlikelyAd5151
I (17M) have a strained relationship with my mum (35F) after an incident that happened about six years ago. My mum was super strict and a helicopter parent, so we fought a lot over my grades and the trouble I got into at school.
She had essentially abandoned me, signing over custody to my dad after I had told her something along the lines of "I hate you" and "I wish I lived with dad" - typical things an angsty preteen says to their parent.
But that fight seemed to have broke her and she cried before dropping me off at my dad's apartment. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal and I would just see her the next day after she proved her point, but she left me there.
After that, things got essentially worse for me. My grades dropped and I kept getting into trouble at school, almost to the point where I was kicked out. My dad never had job security, so money was tight. His girlfriend also wasn't fond of me, saying I was "dumped" on them. I wanted to go back to live with my mum.
I thought to apologise, but my mum had essentially moved on with her life. She went back to college to get her degree and was always studying, and later on was focused on her new work.
On the weekends I would get to see her, things were tense between us. She tried so hard to be the "fun" parent, eating takeout and leaving me to do what I wanted, but it was so unlike her, and we became more estranged.
Three years ago, she started dating Paul (39M), a widower with two daughter (9F and 13F). She started treating his daughter's like they were her own and they started calling her "mummy", which irritated me.
Eventually they moved into my mum's house and changed my childhood bedroom into one of the daughter's room. I was livid when I found out, saying some mean things about the girls, and refused to go back there for my mum's weekends, but she was confused on why was acting this way.
Because of this fight, she thought I wouldn't be attending the engagement party when she announced her and Paul would be getting married. Besides, she didn't want there to ruin the perfect picture of her new family. So I made it a point to go for the party, and called her out on her behaviour.
I wanted to confront her and tell her she wouldn't have to bother with me after I go off to college, but I may have taken it a tad too far. Everyone kept talking about how Paul's daughters were like her children and how it would be when she had more kids and it snapped something in me.
I called her a horrible parent and told her she was trying to replace me with "the little brats" after she had abandoned me, along with some other insults I don't really remember.
Paul kicked me and my dad out, saying I was a monster for making his fiancée and girls cry, and ruining the engagement party. He said I won't be allowed to the wedding unless I called and apologized.
I may have taken it a bit too far but my dad agrees she had it coming after abandoned a young child at an age when I needed my mother. So AITA and should I apologise?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
DadOfKingOfWombats
YTA. You were not abandoned; you were sent to live with your father. Mom stayed in the picture, but moved on with her life. And that seems to be your complaint.
"I thought to apologise"
But did you? And did you ask to move back?
"But that fight seemed to have broke her."
So what did you say to her leading up to this fight?
Cumslaps
Growing up unwanted is extremely painful and warps the way we see reality. I understand you’re hurt over her moving on from you, it is a pain no child should have to bare, your outbursts are your own actions though.
Do you really want to be a part of her family? Or do you just want to feel wanted? Are you crashing her engagement party because you wanted to celebrate her marriage, or did you just want to humiliate her in front of her guests because she doesn’t deserve to be happy after the hurt she’s caused you?
Because crashing the party just to celebrate shows her you want to be family. Doing what you did is just screaming your desperation to feel wanted. I really do understand, I did the same thing to my mother after she abandoned me.
Reading your story feels like looking into the past… I had to let go of her the same way she did to me, because I realized even if she ever finally wanted me that I did not want her as my mother. I didn’t want someone who could hurt me like that to want me.
That’s something you need to decide for yourself, but you do deserve to feel loved and wanted. I’m sorry the people who gave you life haven’t loved you the way you needed. You can only control your own actions.
Zavalac03
I’m gonna say YTA. After reading the comments I can see that you never apologized. Also you weren’t abandoned, you were sent to live with your dad and you’d watch your mom on weekends, she would try to do fun stuff with you but that wasn’t good either. As a 17 yo, what effort are you putting on fixing this relationship?
Menemsha4
ESH. Please go to counseling ASAP. You don’t deserve to carry this pain into adulthood.
cassowary32
Telling your mom you hate her and want to live with your dad isn't regular preteen angst. And if this is the story you are telling that puts you in the best light, I have a feeling you did much worse than this. You went to the engagement party with the expressed purpose of ruining it. Congrats, YTA.
You don't say your dad's age but you are the age your mom was when she had you. Could you imagine taking care of a kid right now? I do hope you get some help but if you ever wanted a better relationship with your mom, that wasn't the way to do it.
Boring-Cut7636
YTA, leaning towards E S H. I don't think this is the full story. You have given examples of her "helicopter parenting" but that's just NORMAL parenting and nothing too extreme. An 11y/o asked to do homework, pay attention in class and given limited internet access isn't abusive or even excessive.
Looks like you made it a point to express to your mom that you hated her. Otherwise why will your mom suddenly get up and leave you with your father? I mean, I could let you off the hook because you were a pre teen but then you described how she tried to be the fun parent (ie, try getting along with you) but you decided that you didn't like it...
Then you decide to be bitter and jealous and ruin her engagement party? Why need to do that at all? If you really wanted her to understand you, do u think making a scene would have gotten your point across? So yeah. You need TONS of therapy.
EnderBurger
ESH. Your mother and your father both suck. They have not done right by you at all. And I get you are angry with your mother. But even at 17, you should understand there is a proper time and place for everything. Ans you alsk should be mature enough to know you should not hurt and humiliate people because you feel vengeful.
You bulled your way into your mother's engagement party specifically because you wanted to hurt your mother and humiliate her in a public place to pay her back for all the ways you feel she has mistreated you over the years.
This is a base motive. It not help either you or your mother. In fact, it aggravated an already volatile situation. You should not have attended this party. And if you have things to say to your mother, you need to say them privately or so so in a space like therapy.
But mostly, you need to forget your parents and work on yourself. You have a lot of rage built up, and it is going to make you miserable until you can get past it.
Otherwise-Pirate6839
You would have had an ESH from me had you aired out your grievances against your mother in a more mature and private manner. But the fact that you used an event to do it and involve people who had nothing to do with your situation…massive AH move.
You didn’t want to live with her; she does you your favor and lets you be with your dad. You regret it and tried walking it back yet you felt things got worse. So tell me why exactly would you make things even worse than they already feel?
People grow. Perhaps she wasn’t mature enough when she had you and you refused to give her a chance (I don’t care if it’s a teenage tantrum; what’s said can’t be walked back as if nothing).
So now her life has stability with Paul and his girls; she has grown enough to be a caring person. If you truly wanted her love or attention, you would have been happy for her on that day; you could have said something along the lines of “despite our troubles and how we feel about each other, I’m happy you found Paul”.
THAT would have shown maturity from your part and allowed a chance to address grievances later on. Remember: YOU were the one who wanted to leave her. Welcome to real world, where actions have consequences, sometimes irreversible.