Woman uninvited from wedding after it already started, boyfriend stays. AITA? + UPDATED 2X EXPLAINING WHY
"I [24f] was just uninvited from a wedding that had already started. Am I overreacting?"
VittoriaVici
Today, my 24m partner and I 24f (let's call him Eric) were invited to the wedding of one of his oldest friends from school. We received our save the date months ago, and the invite was addressed "to Eric and Vicky".
Our invite stated we were invited for the whole shebang, the service, the breakfast and the evening reception. Our RSVP required both of our dietary requirements for the breakfast, which we replied to ages ago.
I thought this was pretty awesome and generous of the bride and groom, as I had never met either of them and Eric was only close with the bride, so it was a very nice gesture.
The wedding is a few hours away from where we live, and since neither of us drive, I booked train tickets in advance which came to about £60 each return and an air bnb, which worked out at £90 between us (we don't earn a lot so this is quite a big spend to justify, however since they had invited us to the whole wedding we thought it would be rude not to go).
The bride also specified colours we should wear, so I bought a new outfit since I didn't have anything formal that would be suitable. Not the end of the world, but with Christmas coming up it was a bit difficult and I had to be really frugal all through November to make it work.
Total spend was probably double what I would spend monthly on "fun" stuff like going out for dinner or drinks or new clothes. We got to the service and it was beautiful, the bride looked lovely and it was very emotional. I get nervous at weddings (couldn't say why!) and so I hadn't eaten beforehand, figuring the 4 course breakfast would fill me up nicely.
After the ceremony, we went straight into the venue to have drinks and sit down at tables. We were towards the back of the line into the venue and so half the congregation had already sat down. We glanced at the seating plan, saw Eric's name and headed over.
There was no place setting for me. Eric found his name but there weren't any free seats at the table. Eric sat down, and I asked an usher whether there was a mistake. He didn't know, so he waved over the bride.
She and I had never met before, but she seemed friendly - until she opened her mouth.
"Oh no, you're not part of the breakfast - the invitation was just for the reception and service. You're welcome to come back later."
This was in front of most of the guests who had already sat down, in a big venue - probably 140ish seats. The usher suggested I go to the pub. Eric didn't know what to do but didn't want to cause a scene, so he stayed put and quiet.
I quite literally have never felt so embarrassed and humiliated in my life. I left, and it was raining heavily (hadn't brought an umbrella, since it was an indoor wedding) and being in a rural place, I had to walk about 20 minutes to get anywhere else.
The usher had suggested a pub where "the other guests are" so I just kept walking, but my shoes were literally ruined and soaked through. As well as it being pretty damn cold because it's December and I was dressed for a wedding.
I get to the pub to find a handful of merrymakers drinking heavily (at 2pm) in wedding clothes, introduced myself kind of awkwardly as they were total strangers, and they were luckily really nice.
They invited me to sit with them and tell them about the service - all of them had only been invited to the reception. I asked one of them if I could see their invite, and it was crystal clear that they were evening guests.
There was no mention of the service or the breakfast, nor their dietary requirements. I apparently was the only person who was invited, and then uninvited, to the whole 'do. I sat with them and had some food, because I was starving, but they all started leaving to "get ready" at about 4pm.
Being a total stranger, I didn't think it best to ask to come with them, but I had never been to this town before and besides Eric, I didn't know anybody. Since being ejected at 1.30pm ish, I was expected to just hang until 7.30pm when the reception started.
So I left. I felt so unwelcome and unwanted that I just wanted to go home. The evening do will start in about half an hour, without me, but I just can't bring myself to attend knowing that half the guests watched me being asked to leave by the bride herself.
I traded in my train ticket, which was a return for tomorrow, and now I'm travelling back alone. I texted Eric to tell him, but he didn't respond. I've been holding back tears since I was ejected, 6 hours ago, and I feel completely torn.
I don't understand what happened with the invite, whether it was a mistake or whether I was just supposed to know that it was only for Eric - despite being addressed to both of us, despite asking for both of our dietary requirements, despite explicitly stating we were invited to the whole wedding.
Part of me feels like I should have gone to the evening reception too, but I'm soaked through, my hair and makeup look awful, my shoes are unwearable (I am barefoot on a really gross floor right now) and I'm freezing. I look a mess and I feel so stupid.
Did I mess up here? I feel like I've just been totally humiliated, and I'm really upset that Eric didn't stand up for me or say anything or leave the breakfast with me, although I think that's less because of malice and more that he's just a bit hopeless when put on the spot.
I've never heard of a wedding where you invite a plus 1, by name, but then they aren't invited to as much of the wedding as the other half of the couple. Nobody else at the wedding had this happen.
I don't see how it can be personal since I've never met any of them before. I'm really upset and can't wrap my head around how weird today has been. If this happened to you what would you do?
The OP then added more information as the comments streamed in.
VittoriaVici
So, this blew up way more than I expected. Thank you everyone for your words of support, it's really helped and I've gone from a for wobbly wet mess to a cackling harpy with my big glass of wine. You guys don't hold back on your opinions and I kind of love it.
It's now nearly bedtime here, Eric stayed at the party and presumably is still there. I came home and feel a lot better for knowing how a horrible a situation this was. Karma's a beeeotch, and when they go low we go high -so l'm going to go to bed and sleep on it and think about next steps in the morning.
A lot of people think I should dump Eric, whereas that had never crossed my mind, I was mostly ticked off with the bride and the MOH who may have been involved too, I don't know. Eric will be coming home sometime tomorrow, and we're going to talk.
I want to hear his piece because he's been drinking since lunchtime, he might just be a dumdum rather than a a full blown asshole. Either way, no wined-up sudden decisions right now. I will try and come back and update as and when anything else happens. Thanks everyone <3
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
TwoOranges
This is the tackiest thing I've ever heard. There's a chance that there WAS a mix up or oversight with the invitation - but in that case, the bride should have taken you and Eric aside to apologize and see what could be done to fix it.
But the way it was handled was completely unacceptable. I'm so, so sorry for you. Also, despite your boyfriend being put on the spot... it's been hours now, right? He should've leapt into action by now.
hc600
Even if it was a mixup, it's tacky to invite a plus-one to some things, but not something in the middle, imo. Like, expecting someone who's purpose is to keep the guest company to then leave them and find something to do in a strange city???
Kralexi
WTF Eric. What a dumbass. He STAYED and let you LEAVE ALONE oh my god.
Ten days later, the OP returned with an update.
VittoriaVici
I hadn't expected the big reaction to my first post, and just want to say thank you to everyone who gave advice and was supportive. I was feeling super shitty when I initially posted, and after an hour of drinking wine and reading your comments I felt a lot more sane and calm. I wanted to clarify a few things that people were confused about or that weren't clear in my first post:
I'm in the UK, and our weddings are different to the way weddings are held in the US. Traditionally, there is a ceremony, the wedding "breakfast" which is a sit down three course meal (although it's called breakfast it is usually in the afternoon), followed by speeches, and then an evening reception which is like a disco.
It's not uncommon for people to invite only relatives and close friends to the ceremony and breakfast, then invite lots of evening guests for the reception. However it is uncommon to invite somebody to the ceremony and reception, but not the breakfast, as then they are kind of left to entertain themselves somewhere for 6 hours.
Having talked to friends and coworkers since last weekend, what happened to me was a serious no-no in terms of etiquette. Me and Eric have been together for nearly a year and a half, we live together, and we have a pretty strong relationship.
He had no past romantic connections with the bride (I'll call her Marie), which some people were asking about - they went to school together from the age of 4-10, and remained in touch as penpals/facebook friends since then. They rarely see each other in person and the wedding was the first time he would see her in about 2 years.
There was zero phone signal at the venue, we noticed this when we arrived for the ceremony and were a little annoyed as the wedding had a hashtag which we couldn't exactly tweet about with no signal. This is important later.
We didn't know this until we arrived at the wedding, but the Maid of Honour, Helen, was Eric's ex girlfriend. They were together for 3 years, and she cheated on him and dumped him. They have a lot of bad blood and do not have any contact with each other.
Okay, so on to the update.
After leaving the ceremony I got straight on the train and went back to my hometown (I was on the train when I wrote my first post).
When I got home, I told my parents everything and they weren't particularly impressed, and like most of the posters here they were perplexed that Eric hadn't come with me. My mum gave me a big hug, ran me a bath and poured me a glass of wine, and I just tried to relax and forget about my day from hell.
I still hadn't heard from Eric, but texted him to let him know I was home safe and would see him tomorrow. Eric texted me back at about 9pm, asking me what I meant by home (home or the air bnb that we had booked nearby to the venue).
I clarified, and he said "okay, I'll see you tomorrow. love you so much x". Didn't really know what to make of it since the whole day had just been such a massive fuck up, so I finished my wine, watched a disney movie and went to bed.
The next morning, given I still hadn't really heard from Eric at all I assumed he would be getting in at about midday, so I got up early and started wrapping Christmas presents.
At 8am, I heard a key in the door and whaddayaknow it's Eric, still in his creased suit, with red eyes and looking like death. He wasn't really making sense so I made him have a shower and warm up, made coffee and decided to talk once he was looking human again. We sat down together and pieced together his side of the story.
Basically, once I had left Eric was absolutely livid with Marie. He had frozen like a deer in headlights when she was asking me to go, and was kicking himself that he hadn't done the right thing.
About ten minutes after I left, Marie turned around and said "oh, actually, a few people haven't turned up. Get Vicky to come back, we have space for her now!" and Eric had tried to call me.
Because there was no phone signal anywhere near the venue, he couldn't get through, and Marie pretty much immediately said "oh well never mind, she didn't want to be here anyway!" (which obviously was a pile of crap) and made Eric feel rubbish.
The meal was a very formal, sit down affair so he just kind of grinned and beared it, assuming I would be coming back in the evening. Eric was the only person mentioned in the speeches (by Marie's father) who wasn't a family member, and apparently it was clear to everyone how disappointed he was that I wasn't there to share it with him.
When I texted him at about 6pm to let him know I was going home, he never received it - he was only able to text me at 9pm by hiking down the road for 5 minutes to find a signal.
All the while his ex Helen was being sickly sweet, asking where I was, why didn't I want to come and enjoy the party, was I shy? Apparently with quite the evil glint in her eye like she had got exactly what she'd wanted.
Neither of us knew she was the MOH until we got there, and given their bad relationship Eric was pretty pissed off that Marie had failed to mention she had such a prominent role in the wedding. Whether Helen was behind the seating error, I don't know, but if she was then Marie was just as bad in enabling it to happen.
So Eric stayed at the wedding, miserably, and went back to the air bnb afterwards alone. He barely slept, feeling angry at Marie and Helen for fucking with us and at himself for not sticking up for me, and left at 4.30am to get the first train home - hence why he was back at our place so early.
He wasn't really apologetic to me at all, he didn't really seem to see how it was shitty for me. He more felt like he had been insulted by the situation and let down by his oldest friend. He is cutting off Marie and doesn't want anything else to do with her.
So... yeah. That was Eric's take on the whole thing. To be honest I was pretty pissed that in all of this, he hadn't really considered how I felt, or what it had been like for me getting thrown out of the wedding.
While what he had gone through was pretty crummy, he at least had been warm, dry, and well fed - the indignation of your girlfriend being removed from an event you're at isn't really as bad as being the girlfriend, getting soaked in the rain, feeling humiliated and all the rest.
So, we talked, and I laid out why I wasn't okay with what had happened and why his reaction wasn't okay. He can be a bit of a lemon sometimes and this feels like one of those times, he didn't step up to the plate, he just let the world wash over him and acted as a bystander.
I'm still hurt by his actions and he still hasn't really apologised properly. I don't know if he understands that he did wrong too. But this isn't a dealbreaker for me. It's a heavy straw on the camel's back, but the camel is still standing.
We have a really lovely Christmas coming up, and after a really long autumn of working hard all I want is to go back to the happy place we were before this blow up, and honestly I don't want to think about it.
So, I know a lot of you guys are going to drag me over hot coals for this one, but we're still together. I'm not going to break up with him over this, but it's a big dark mark on his record.
As far as I'm concerned he needs to get a lot of extra credit to get a "pass" this year (to use a terrible analogy) and I expect him to step up and really try to do better from now on.
It's not really an ultimatum, but I'm willing to put this behind us if he can prove to me that he's invested and trying harder in this relationship from now on. If he doesn't, then I won't be sticking around. I love him a lot but he needs to have my back, and be empathetic to what I'm going through.
I'm sorry that this wasn't the victorious break up update so many of you wanted, but I want a nice happy Christmas together. I'm not ruling it out as an option if things don't improve. But I want to give him another chance to prove this relationship is worth it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
charliesownchaos
Why on earth didn't he leave with her? I can't wrap my head around it.
twistedspin
He saw himself as the wronged person. It's a different perspective. He never really thought he should try to make her feel better; he was just dealing with his humiliation at how his girlfriend was the pariah of the wedding.
Eldest_Muse
Imagine being publicly humiliated and then told to walk 20 minutes in the winter rain to hangout alone for hours at a pub and your SO being fine with it. They filled their guts with multiple courses of food and drink.
Then stumbled home ages later and saying sorry that they were forced to have such a good time but to understand that eating, drinking and being merry inside a warm venue was the only option unless they wanted to be wet, miserable and hungry like OP.