'AITA for uninviting my parents from my wedding even though they're grieving my late sister?' UPDATED

"AITA for uninviting my parents from my wedding and telling them that it's not an excuse for them to have the opportunity they lost when my sister died?"

My sister unfortunately passed away 2 months before their wedding day was set, last year. I hate traditions and I hate the concept of having someone give me away at my wedding. The problem is that my parents seem to see my wedding as an opportunity to get what they tragically lost when my sister died.

They hate everything about my wedding, there will be no flower girls, there will be no ring bearer since me and my fiance will have them in our pockets, I'm not going to be wearing a white dress and we will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen. The biggest thing with them is the fact that I don't want to be given away, they erupted and called me selfish when I told them this, and then they said.

"We are already compromising and letting you have your way with breaking a lot of other tradition, but this one is too important to your father and myself." I told them that they are not "letting" me do anything, this is my wedding and I'm the one paying for everything along with my fiance.

Then they started going on about how this isnt for me anymore, this is for my father and the opportunity he lost when my sister died and that if I don't let him walk me down, he'll never have an opportunity to walk his daughter down the aisle again.

I told them that with all due respect, I don't care about opportunities they are losing and that my wedding is not an excuse for them to live out the opportunities they lost when my sister died, and that if they can't see that and that if they can't respect my wishes then maybe they shouldn't come at all.

AITA? this all happened a few months ago and we haven't spoken to each other since, I feel a bit relieved if I'm honest and I don't miss them?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

DeiselRemo said:

NTA. I feel bad for you and them but your wedding is not for them. It’s super selfish of them to think and crazy that they’d consciously ask you to try and fill that role. Have they considered how you’d feel if every time you think of your wedding it’ll make you resent your late sister and your parents for making you do something you don’t want to do?

IF you want to throw them a bone, since you don’t like the traditional stuff, maybe you could come up with an more original way to give him a role.

lightwoodorchestra said:

NTA, and I'm really surprised that anyone is saying otherwise. It is incredibly inappropriate for your parents to treat your wedding as anything other than what it is-- your wedding.

You're not a substitute child and it's not a substitute wedding. And tbh, it sounds like they would be pulling this sh!t and trying to control your wedding either way and are just using your sister's death as a convenient excuse, which is alarming.They need counseling to learn to deal with their grief appropriately, but in the meantime it makes perfect sense you'd want nothing to do with them.

fuzzyfuzzyfungus said:

NTA. Using you as a proxy for your dead sister and then calling you selfish? It takes a lot to top the self-centeredness involved in the theory that not dictating every aspect of someone's wedding as gracious 'compromise' on their part; but that does.

On the plus side, they did display a degree of honesty and self-awareness when they outright said that your wedding was no longer about you; but about them. Most people who believe that are slightly less willing to say it in so many words; or even admit to it when called out. Still total assholes for it, of course.

pepperbeast said:

Look, ultimately, you can do what you want, but really? This is the hill you want to die on?

nan1ta said:

NTA. They seem pretty toxic. I think that uninviting them was for the best.

OP responded:

Idk, I don't think they are toxic, just still grieving the loss of their first born, which is why I'm questioning my actions right now

shabba10001 said:

Bringing up their dead child does make you vicious. That’s not normal behavior at all.

And OP responded:

I don't understand how bringing up somebody who is dead is vicious, I know it's sad but, when somebody in your life passes away, you can expect to go the rest of your life without somebody bringing it up in some instance

Update:

Some people in private message urged me to give my parents a call. I'm going to spare some details but I pretty talked about how my entire life, I was overshadowed by her and my achievements meant nothing in comparison to her and now after her death, everything in my life revolves around her death and revolves around my parents using me and my new accomplishments as a way to remember her.

At first they were defensive because they never saw it that way, but I listed off at various examples and they were just a bit silence, like they were thinking about stuff. I told them that if anybody has compromised, it's me for basically my whole life and for the year after my sister died, and not them by letting me have control over a wedding that I'm paying for.

We've been speaking for about 3 hours, I called them about two hours after the post and people were urging me to contact them oh, we are still in a call as I type this and I guess I can say that we are in a better place than we were before, I apologized for not inviting them to my wedding and they apologized for all the years of basic neglect towards me and for their actions revolving my sister's death and grief.

We also opened up about a lot of stuff they did to me as a kid that made it to where my relationship with them as an adult is strained, talking about it made things a lot better for me. We agree to go to family therapy and they are going to try grief counseling