'AITA for wanting my girlfriend to stand up to her mother?'
"AITA for wanting my girlfriend to stand up to her mother?"
Grouchy-Put-7968
I (25m) have been trying to get my Gf (24f) to tell her mom no sometimes. Her mother is very demanding and controlling, and whenever my GF wants to do something she has to “ask permission” as if she’s not a fully grown adult. Im guessing it stems from her mother having her at a young age (18yo) and wanting better for her, but my girl is already doing WAY better than she was at her age.
My GF and I havent been able to spend weekends together because she only work week days and would have to come up with an excuse to leave the house. Anytime we are during the day as soon as ger mother texts her “where are you” my GF tells me “I have to go now” mind you its like 7pm on a Friday!
My GF is has a bit of weight to her (nothing dangerously unhealthy and definitely not obese) and her mother makes her feel like shit about it and is constantly putting her on medications that cause her pain and difficulties when using but also making my GF pay put of her own pocket for them!
There was one incident about a year ago from now when her mother gave her a higher dosage than usual and my GF almost had an over dose. And all i can think about is how can you do that to your own daughter?
A few monts ago they took a vacation that my Gf didn’t want to go on and they wanted her to pay for half of everything. Mind you my gf has 3 younger sisters, so why should she have to pay “Half” of all the expenses? Before they went i kept asking her “if you dont want to go, why dont you just stay home??” And the answer I get is the same every time…”you know i cant do that.”
I don’t to be the person or thing that makes her choose between me or family. She treats her like Cinderella having her clean up messes she doesn’t make and treating her like a 3rd parent to her younger siblings.
My GF complains about wanting to move out but she wants to save up for a house, and not to crush her dreams or anything but I’ve been trying to tell her that the market is trash right now, so maybe we could get an apartment together so she can at least distance herself and have privacy. I haven’t even met the woman yet but i already despise her based on what my GF tells me.
She can’t even take vacation with me if she wanted to, and in a few weeks i will be leaving to go work out of state, I asked her if she would come visit me and the response I get everytime is “you know I can’t do that” and all i can think about is her mother holding puppet string over her trying to control her every move.
I guess what im trying to say is my GF needs to grow a pair and tell her mother “NO” sometimes. So my question is: AITA for wanting my GF to stop doing everything her mother tells her?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
trolleydip
NTA, but how do you see this relationship progressing? Have you both discussed this? Your gf is still living at home with a mother with control issues. Its been 24 years like this, and her simply 'standing up for herself' without having a plan to get out and be independent.
Or emotionally guard herself isn't going to help her at this second. It may actually cause a bigger issue at this moment. If she isn't ready to rent an apartment together, she isn't serious about moving out.
LeaJadis
Your girlfriend has been abused by her mother her whole life. It’s Stockholm syndrome combined with the desire to make your parent (finally) proud of you. I think you wanting her to stand up to her mother without any preparation is like throwing a rabbit to a hungry wolf.
There is a huge reason she stays, and it’s not about the housing market. Try and get to the bottom of the matter. And remind her that the housing market will be trash for another five years and you are not willing to wait that long.
Decent-Dig-771
NTA. Your g/f needs to learn to stand up for herself, move out and get her own place.
Malicious_blu3
Your gf needs therapy to help her draw boundaries with her family. As you said, she’s an adult but she’s been infantilized to the point she can’t say No. She may feel powerless in her life and needs help understanding where she has agency and control.
You need to decide for yourself what her being a doormat means for you and your future. It sounds like she is still living with her parents and that they control her finances. What happens if you move in together? Will that control extend to your household? Will you experience interference from her parents with every decision you try to make as a couple?
baddie_estella
It's totally understandable to want your girlfriend to stand up for herself and have more independence. Her mom's behavior is controlling and unhealthy. Gently encourage your girlfriend to set boundaries and say "no" sometimes. It's important for her growth and for your relationship.