'AITA for wanting my husband to give me equal access to our joint funds?' UPDATED

"Am I (23F) asking too much of my (27M) husband by wanting equal access to our joint funds? AITA?"

For context, I have ADHD and sometimes struggle with impulse spending. My mum struggles with this too and throughout their entire marriage my dad has been the sole controller and only one with online access to their "joint" bank account.

Last Christmas time, I impulsively spent $300 at one store and got home feeling sick so I texted my husband to say I was returning my items. After I messaged him I looked in our joint account and all of the money was transferred into his own account leaving only $0.53. I got home and told him I was sorry for spending so much but he didn't need to overreact that way and transfer all our money into his personal account.

He argued that he was just worried about me impulse spending again since we were trying to save up for a car for him. I told him never to do that again because that is just what my dad does to my mum. But he argued that he wasn't like my Dad and I could always have the money if I asked.

We ended up agreeing that he could keep our savings in his personal account so I wouldn't be able to spend it. But now he has his new car and he is refusing to transfer our money back into our joint account. Just this week alone, he transferred $650 out of our joint account and into his personal account without even telling me which was something I asked him to start doing.

There have been multiple times just this year alone where I've gone to pay for a $4 coffee thinking we had heaps of money in our account and it's declined because he transferred all the money out and I have to call him up when he's at work hoping he answers so I can ask if he can transfer over enough money.

After an incident today where there was no money for me to get my laptop I need for uni checked for $69 and having to call him up at the store counter I had enough.

When he got home I told him I want all our money back in our joint account or we should separate our money and start splitting bills. He outright refused to transfer our savings back into our joint account so I said we'll at least leave $200 each week in the account AFTER bills in case I need to buy extra things like coffee, extra groceries or a drs appointment.

He told me if it wasn't for him keeping our savings he would still be car-less. Then he said no to leaving $200 in our joint account and after more arguing we agreed to leaving $75 in our joint account.

For more info, yes I do work. I work a little less than him so my paycheck is half of his but we have a daughter who I look after 3 days a week on his work days and I'm also doing a full-time bachelor degree. So, was it too much of me to ask for equal access to our money...or even $200 left over in our account? AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

BestConfidence1560 said:

Lady - separate your finances as you suggested and quit letting your husband walk all over you. He treats you like a child, not a partner.

EaseInitial404 said:

This is wrong. Does he let you have visibility on how much money is in his personal account? Do you know what he is doing with your money? If something happened to him would you have access to that account in an emergency? Start putting your paycheck in your own personal account and think about an exit strategy. NTA.

GraceOfTheNorth said:

This is literally theft. He is garnishing all of your wages and taking financial control. You need to separate your money and only pay into the joint account an equal amount to h is. RIGHT NOW HE HAS ALL THE POWER AND IS ACTING LIKE HE IS THE BOSS OF YOU AND THAT YOU ARE A CHILD. This is not a relationship or a partnership if he places himself as the boss of you.

But of course you need to be trusted to spend your money wisely. Which is why you need to go 50/50 - or less, depending on how much more housework you do. Do not give him free labor if he's not contributing free labor to an equal degree. This is what causes burnout, sickness and divorce.

OP responded:

Thank you for this, I agree. It's what I grew up seeing my dad do to my mum and I needed you all to point out what he's doing isn't right either and I need to take back control.

And Away-Thing-1801 said:

Stop contributing to the joint account completely until he returns the funds, say you will only put money in for bills and rent, and the rest is your money....

If that wipes you out, only put in what you can afford to live comfortably (even if it's nothing). It's not unreasonable for you expect to be maybe to buy a coffee or fix your laptop. I kind of understand why he did it to begin with, but now what he is doing is incredibly controlling and unfair.

Edit from OP:

People in the comments ask for more context about my impulse spending. The only time I spent money that we needed for bills was that $300 Christmas time. That's why when I got home and checked the accounts I realized my mistake and immediately took the items back.

This is why he freaked out and took all our money out and I was honestly worried about myself so I agreed for him to have sole access to our savings. But, what he's doing now is beyond him being in charge of savings.

He constantly takes out hundreds of dollars without asking me after the main bills have been paid for which is why I am now constantly calling him up asking for him to transfer money back for things like medicine, nappies, fuel etc.

She later shared this update:

Hi all, here's the update. Thank you to everyone who gave me the advice to stop paying into the joint account, I know it must seem so obvious but sometimes when you're so close to something it's hard to see what to do if that makes sense?

I have redirected all my pay to enter my personal account which isn't even from the same bank as our joint account and his personal account on the night I posted this. He didnt say anything about it but he didn't look happy.

I told him that I spent all day while he was at work doing some maths. I found out I'm almost exactly to the decimal contributing 1/3 of all our household income so I would only be paying 1/3 of the bills. He said we'll if your plan is to split our finances we should do 50/50. I told him that's not how this works because I literally wouldn't be able to afford half.

I went on to try and show him how I had gone through every single transaction out of our account and where it went to and showed him the average for how much we'd been spending on different things and going over areas I reckoned we could cut back on like take away but he just told me when I showed him the paper

I neatly wrote everything out on that he didn't understand and just handed it back to me and started watching something on the TV. We haven't really talked about it since and whenever I try bringing it up he goes quiet.

And tonight, I said to him that since I earn a 1/3 of our total income he needs to transfer me 1/3 of the savings he's holding in his account which he said there's $1800 so I'd get $600. He just said no, I'll transfer your third after I get my car serviced. And then he walked away.

So, thanks to some commenters I have a solution to this. I'm going to tell him that I won't be transferring any money for bills until he gives me my $600. And I want him to show me exactly how much is in there and the transaction history because as much as I want to trust him, his actions and the way he's treating me and my concerns are forcing me to see him in a different light.

And I'll be damned if I get screwed over anymore than I already have. I'll update you guys if anything else major happens. Thank you all for chiming in to my life problems!